by Tim GOODING
1st performed by Theatre ACT on 24 August 1984
Characters
- Chook Fowler
- Vikki Fowler
- Horace Fowler
- Pearl
- Hank Henderson
The "Blue Dogs" Band
Lester band leader
Residents played by band members
Radio Voice "
Auctioneer "
Country Announcer "
NB: The band should be bass, guitar, and 2 or more specialist country instruments: fiddle, pedal steel, mandolin, banjo. Able to cover a variety of styles.
Setting
A broad flat space capable of representing various tracts of land, from quarter acre block to outback expanse.
Sidestage: a car, Australian, late 50s vintage. Dusty, battered. On the side in faded letters:
"Chook Fowler's Country & Western Show
Featuring The Blue DOGS!"
Elsewhere: a band podium, with esay offstage access.
Songs
Act 1
Sc 1 King Of Country Chook
Sc 3 Town & Country Waltz Pearl/Chook
Sc 7 It's Not The Same Pearl
Sc 9 New England Highway Lester/Chook
Sc 11 When you Go Horace
Sc 13 Creek In Flood Pearl/Chook
Act 2
Sc 2 Haunted Hills Pearl
Sc 4 Stranger In Town Hank
Sc 6 Waste Of Time & Tears Vikki
Sc 7 Salt Of The Earth Chook
Sc 8 Common Touch Pearl/Chook
All songs (words & music) written by Tim Gooding.
ACT ONE
Scene 1
(Blackout. A suburban summer soundscape, Cicadas. Lawnmowers. Revving engines. Splash of backyard pools. Children shouting, squealing. Throughout a radio plays desultory country music. A mower fails to start. Repeatedly.)
CHOOK
Mongrel! You mongrel! Yo flaming mongrel!
(He kicks the mower.)
CHOOK
You bastard!
(Solo guitar introduction to:)
SONG: King Of Country.
CHOOK
I never thought I'd live to see the day
I'm surrounded on all sides except the sky
But if I squint my eyes the rooftops look like clay
The colour of the heartland far away
The river cuts through sandstone to the sea
Sheffield Blight it takes care of the trees
Soil so thin it slips right through your hand
Nothing grows but houses on this land
Everybody knows the King of Country
King of County knows this country best of all
East of the mountains
West of Drummoyne
South of the Doyalson lights
Sydney or the bush I used to say
Doesn't seem to mean the same today
Somewhere thee's a rider & he's never seen the sea
Never seen the city but I bet he's seen TV
Maybe soon he'll mow the lawn & whistle just like me
Nothing grows but houses on this land
Everybody knows the King of Country..etc..
Scene 2
(A suburban backyard that has been "let go". Overgrown, fallen fence palings, soggy cartons of empty bottles. A few bedraggled Christmas decorations. The overturned & abandoned mower. Heat & flies..
On the radio: a Hank Williams song.
CHOOK begins to clear the yard.)
RADIO ANNOUNCER
The late great Hank Williams. Unfortunately Hank can't make it up to Tamworth for this year's country music festival, which is a shame, cause neither can Hank Cochran, Hank Locklin, Hank Snow, Hank Thompson and a whole lotta other late great country Hanks. But the VERY latest Hank, the Oklahoma Outlaw, Hank Henderson, latest and wannabe greatest in a long line of Yank Hanks WILL BE THERE! So will his Aussie sweetheart, Vikk Fowler. And so will I.
(CHOOK collects a soggy carton. The bottom falls out, spilling bottles/cans.)
CHOOK
You bludging mongrel cow of a thing!
(He kicks the rubbish.)
(HORACE enters in a wheelchair at top speed. A small cardboard box on his knee.)
HORACE
What's up you, son? A man can't hear himself listen to the races! The doctor said I could kick off at any time. I'll miss the Welter. Why don't you clean up this mess? Why are you cleaning up this mess? Is Norma coming back?
CHOOK
No.
HORACE
Are you sure Norma's not coming back? She left on the 6th of september. At 8.30. That's 3 months ago. You're over the worst now, son. It's like smoking. What happened to my sunday drive?
CHOOK
I'll just do the lawns first.
HORACE
That's what you said about making a comeback. It just grows back into bush, you galoot. Then you can chop the lot down all over again. Will you sunday drive me back to Tamworth?
CHOOK
That's a bit further tan I was thinking.
HORACE
(re cardboard box) I have to scatter Enid's ashes. Norma's gone now. Why can't you just leave the mess, son?
CHOOK
Because I can't leave the mess! They'll be here soon. Are you wearing that?
HORACE
No. I'm wearing a barrel and braces. I always wear this. Who'll be here son?
CHOOK
Vikki and Hank.
HORACE
Hank? Who's Hank?
CHOOK
Vikki's husband.
HORACE
Who's Vikki?
CHOOK
Your granddaughter.
HORACE
I remember her from last Christmas. What's his name again?
CHOOK
Hank. HANK.
HORACE
Is he that dopey banjo twanger?
CHOOK
No. This one plays guitar and sings.
HORACE
I hope he does it better than you did. What's his name again?
CHOOK
HANK. Rhymes with Yank. Which is what he is.
HORACE
Did she marry a septic? Why didn't you stop her?
CHOOK
I didn't know till I got the press release from the states.
HORACE
You shold've married Pearl instead. She'd never let her daughter marry a septic.
CHOOK
Dad. Let's leave Pearl out of today's proceedings, all right?
(CHOOK drags a bin across the yard. He casually collects Enid's ashes in passing.)
HORACE
ENID! Enid! Don't throw that box away!
CHOOK
Jesus. That was close, dad, wasn't it? Strewth.
HORACE
Give her to me. Give her to me.
CHOOK
Settle down. I'm just tidying up.
HORACE
Putting your mother in the bin and your father in Belsen is just tidying up, is it?
CHOOK
Are you talking about the retirement village now, are you?
HORACE
If that's a village I'm a shearer's armpit. Matron said there's a vacancy coming up in May.
CHOOK
Nothing's decided yet.
HORACE
She's poisoning someone in April.
CHOOK
I only took you there to see what it's like.
HORACE
It's like a prewash for the crematorium. If she comes near me with her sponge, I'll stretch her neck like a rabbit.
CHOOK
Nothing's decided yet, dad, all right! So let's get just right off the subject.
HORACE
Don't you want my granddaughter to know you're having me put to sleep?
(CHOOK walks away.)
HORACE
Son? Son? I have to scatter your mother in Tamworth. I promised her on her death bed.
CHOOK
Dad. You know we've got a lovely spot set aside for mum at Rookwood.
HORACE
Have you got a lovely spot set aside for me too?
CHOOK
It's a fine piece of land, dad.
HORACE
I can put in some wheat and run a few sheep while I'm down there. What if they slip someone else in beside Enid, before I get there?
CHOOK
Mum won't stand for it.
HORACE
Is it all paid for?
CHOOK
Yes, dad.
HORACE
The bank can't get it?
CHOOK
No, dad.
HORACE
They got my farm. Up near Tamworth. Have I told you about that? Pommy bastards. I was a soldier settler. What about the army? Can they take it?
I saw tanks go through a cemetery in France.
CHOOK
It's sacred ground, dad.
HORACE
That's what the abos thought.
(CHOOK seeks refuge in collecting loose palings.)
HORACE
You mother and I never brought you up to be tidy. Norma tidied you up. Good and proper. Enid ws faithful for 63 years. I have to scatter her in Tamworth.
CHOOK
Hank and his band are playing at the festival. He's a big star and he'll be very busy, but if you ask nicely maybe he'll do it for you.
HORACE
Are you going too?
CHOOK
What do you think?
HORACE
You could see Pearl.
CHOOK
Button it, dad.
HORACE
You could make a comeback with her.
CHOOK
Button it, dad.
HORACE
She could sing like a bird.
CHOOK
BUTTON IT!
(CHOOK hurls palings to one side, with a crash.)
HORACE
She could sing like a bird.
Scene 3
1960. Maguire's Pub. Tamworth. Pearl & Blue Dogs band.
SONG: Town and Country Waltz. Pearl.
PEARL
He bought a new car like the one that he saw in the city
With duco the colour of Patterson's curse
It's downhill from here he said a he drove up the mountain
The money is better but the weather is worse
In between the town and the country
In between the city and the soil
Town and country waltz
With a man who can't make up his mind
(CHOOK joins, on guitar, in his backyard, in the present.)
Don't give your heart to a man who can't make up his mind
He'll only take it and leave it somewhere on a train
He says he once knew this land like the back of his hand
But he's wearing a glove and it all looks the same from a plane
In between the town and the country...
Instrumental break.
PEARL
(nervous)
Hello ladies and gentlemen. I'd like to thank Mr Maguire for letting us play in his hotel..
(Lester passes her a schooner.)
PEARL
Thankyou Lester. Cheers. Sorry Chooky isn't here tonight. He left town in a hurry.
(Disapproving murmurs from band.)
PEARL
He got a new car. And he forgot where the brake is.
LESTER
He'll be back.
PEARL
Chooky never could make up his mind. This is me and Chook's brand new song. Lucky last. I mailed him the words and he threw a tune at it. Cheers.
(sings)
He bought a new house and now he's a man with a mortgage
And a car and a kid and a good quarter acre of ground
He cut himself loose from the past and he's tied to the future
I hope he remembers just why when he wakesup alone
In between the town and the country...
(Song ends.)
PEARL
Thankyou.
Scene 4
(CHOOK'S backyard. Car bonnet up. Ricketty portable barbecue on lawn. HORACE is in his wheelchair: eyes shut, head back, mouth open.
VIKKI and HANK enter. VIKKI has acquired a slight US accent.)
VIKKI
Granddad? It's Vikki. Merry Christmas.
(No response.)
HANK
I think that old boy's done celebratin', honey.
VIKKI
Granddad? He'll boil what's left of his brain out here.
(She tries to push the chair.)
HANK
His foot's in the spokes, darlin'.
VIKKI
Dad! We're here! Coo-ee!
(HANK tries to free HORACE, in vain. Puts his own hat on HORACE'S head.)
VIKKI
He's probably turned his hearing aid down.(shaking him)Granddad!
(She removes, listens to HORACE'S earpiece.)
VIKKI
The 3rd at Moonee Valley.
(She listens to HORACE'S chest.)
VIKKI
I don't know about this, Is he breathing?
HANK
Can't tell. Yeah! No. Sh, honey.
VIKKI
My assthma. Where's dad? Maybe i should call the repat.
HANK
Say what? What's a rePAT?
(VIKKI locates the hearing aid in HORACE'S pocket.)
VIKKI
Aha. Yo, granddad! Wake up! GRANDDAD!
HORACE
WHAT!? WHAT?! What's up you, Norma?
VIKKI
I'm Vikki, granddad. Norma's not -
HORACE
(clutching hearing aid)
WHAT!?
VIKKI
Never mind.
HORACE
WHAT!? Speak up, Norma.
VIKKI
I'm VIKKI - forget it. Where's dad?
HORACE
What's up her? What're yo doing back here anyway? What happened to your Fancy Man?
VIKKI
Read my lips. I'm Vikki, granddad. Settle down.
HORACE
I am settled down.
VIKKI
You were asleep.
HORACE
I was not water skiing, I was asleep. Are you him? Are you Norma's Fancy Man?
(He raises his fists.)
HANK
Hank Henderson, sir. You can call me Hank.
HORACE
I oughta knock your block off. Hank who? Are you Hank? Were you here last christmas?
HANK
No, sir. I was not.
HORACE
You're her dopey banjo twanger. You gave me a pair of socks.
HANK
That wasnt me, sir.
HORACE
Nylon socks. I only wear wool. Are you the septic tank?
VIKKI
Granddad means a citizen of the United States.
HANK
Yes sir. Elk City, Oklahoma.
HORACE
Never heard of it. Are you Hank?
HANK
Yessir. Short for Henry.
HORACE
Who's Henry? Are you Henry?
HANK
Yessir. I was named after Mr Henry Fonda. Cause my mama brought me into the world halfway through a matinee of "Mr Roberts".
HORACE
Rabbits! I shot all the rabbits.
(CHOOK enters, bearing groceries and a slab.)
HORACE
He was born during a rabbit plague.
VIKKI
Dad. Good to see you. How're you doing? I'm really really sorry about you and mum. We need to talk. Are you ok?
CHOOK
Careful Vix. You'll crush the chips. I'm fine. Did you bring little Marilyn?
VIKKI
She's too young to fly. We left her with Hank's mum and dad.
HANK
Henry Hendrson, sir. You can call me Hank.
CHOOK
So you're the one that's taking my little girl away from me, eh?
HANK
It's an honour to join your family, sir. I've been to 3 state fairs an' a goat-ropin', and I ain't seen nothin' come near this little filly. Sir.
HORACE
You oughta knock his block off, son. You've got a nerve bringing your Fancy Man round here, Norma. Yo oughta buy him a beer, son. He did you big favour.
CHOOK
That's Henry, dad.
HORACE
I know who he is. You don't look like Henry Fonda.
HANK
My daddy liked ole Henry ever since that movie bout Okies in the Depression dustbowl. An' when I saw that movie, you know straightaway I had to write a song about it.
VIKKI
"From the Dustbowl to the Rose Bowl". I helped write it. Was it a hit out here too?
CHOOK
It sounds like it should've been.
HANK
Bout how my daddy got dusted out and headed for California, and 50 years later I was doing the exact same thing with my band. How both of us was followin' our dreams.
HORACE
You know what a rabbit plague is?
HANK
Sure. It's a plague of rabbits.
HORACE
He's the full quid, Norma. (to CHOOK) She's found a brain surgeon to sponge off now. You can sell the house. Go back to Tamworth. You can make your comeback.
HANK
Well now, Viki tells me you're still a hot Country singer, Chuck.
CHOOK
Chook. No, Vikki's got it wrong there.
HORACE
He's a TV repairman.
CHOOK
I occasionally make a fool of myself with a couple of Hank Williams numbers down at the bowling club. If that's still hot, I'm it.
VIKKI
When I was little, you told me you were the best singer to come out of New England.
CHOOK
When you were little, I was the only singer to come out of New England.
HORACE
Eveybody else had brains. They stayed. You should've married Pearl instead.
VIKKI
Pearl? She the one in that photo?
CHOOK
What photo?
VIKKI
The one in the bottom of the suitcase on top of the wardrobe in the garage. Mum showed me. Did you almost marry her, did you?
CHOOK
No. I used to sing with her. Years ago.
HORACE
Before he met you.
VIKKI
I'm Vikki, granddad. Norma - that's my mum - sends her love.
CHOOK
Have you seen Norma, have you? How is she?
VIKKI
She's good.
CHOOK
How's our Cliff?
VIKKI
Dad, we need to talk. Can we talk?
CHOOK
I better get this meat on before it goes off. What do you think of this place, Hank?
HANK
Well now, Chuck -
(CHOOK tends the barbecue.)
CHOOK
Chook. Did Vikki tell you the first postman in this suburb rode a camel?
HANK
Shoot.
CHOOK
Fair dinkum. I remember the day it died. Poor bugger couldn't take Bass Hill and keeled over. And for heavy parcels, specially after the war when all those TVs and electric frypans and modcons and that started flooding in from over your way, they used a bullock team. 'Parramatta' is aboriginal for 'far from the shops'. You know what a bullock team is?
HANK
Sure. It's a team of bullocks.
CHOOK
Not so long ago, we couldn't pay people to come out this far. Even when Blaxland Wentworth and Telecom put the phones on. That's what 'Cabramatta' means. Far from taxis.
HANK
You wouldn't be funnin' ole Hank, now would you?
VIKKI
Sweetheart, how about you take granddad for a quiet spin around the block? dad and me need some quality time together.
CHOOK
The doctor said he could go anytime, Vikki.
VIKKI
Hank?
HANK
If I'm not back in half an hour, tell them to rush release my Greatest Hits.
(He exits with HORACE.)
VIKKI
Dad. I don't think you're dealing with your problem.
CHOOK
Norma's not a problem any more. Norma's gone. Did she say anything to you? About coming back?
VIKKI
You need to do something. You haven't done anything for a long while.
CHOOK
I've been busy.
VIKKI
Drifting between the house and the garage, tinkering and listening to the races. Yeah? You know how crazy that drove mum and me?
CHOOK
You mentioned it from time to time.
VIKKI
You need to get away from this house. Just for a break. What about Bali?
CHOOK
That's overseas, isn't it? I don't like needles. Chinese food upsets my stomach.
VIKKI
Noosa then.
CHOOK
Bit trendy for me.
VIKKI
Tamworth. Come up for the fstival.
CHOOK
With you?
VIKKI
Without granddad. A week in the old stamping ground. See a few mates, sink a few beers in the sun, listen to some good old country music. Sound like heaven?
CHOOK
Close.
VIKKI
All that and the old boy back in Sydney, driving Auntie Val up the wall.
CHOOK
I'll think about it.
VIKKI
Make up your mind now. Quickly. Before he gets back.
CHOOK
The old bus could do with a good long run.
VIKKI
Oh no, you're flying up.
CHOOK
We have to take the old bus, Vix.
VIKKI
Are we talking we here, are we? I don't think Hank will be comnfortable with an old bus situation.
CHOOK
It's only 5 or 6 hours, Vix. It wouldn't feel the same without the old bus.
VIKKI
I wouldn't mention it to Hank just yet, ok?
CHOOK
Don't you mention I'm going to Tamworth in front of dad at all.
(HANK and HORACE return.)
VIKKI
Would you like some Christmas cake, granddad? It's home made.
HORACE
Who made it?
VIKKI
Me.
HORACE
I'm full. (to HANK) Will you take me to Tamworth with you?
HANK
I reckon our airplane's booked solid already, sir. But hey, Chuck, we got a great idea -
(CHOOK and VIKKI initiate diversion.)
CHOOK
Poor old Bluey. Remember old Bluey, Vix? Named my band after him. He was a good dog.
VIKKI
Except he smelt.
CHOOK
So did the band. Bad exzema, Hank. Poor old Bluey. Got snappy in his old age. Bailed himself up under the house. He's still there. Along with a thousand rolled up Daily Telegraphs. And those fluffy slippers you gave me.
HANK
Bluey stole them. huh?
CHOOK
Nope. Christmas beetles.
HANK
Say what?
CHOOK
Christmas beetles. Haven't you ever seen a Christmas beetle? It's not a pretty sight. Big buggers. Wingspan like THAT. Carry 200 times their own weight.
HANK
Shoot.
CHOOK
Eat birds, rabbits, small sheep. That's why I never buy fluffy brown slippers. I'd keep my hat on if I were you, Hank. They're not called Christmas beetles because they come round at Easter.
(CHOOK ducks. Everyone else ducks, involuntarily.)
HORACE
They're not as bad as the dive bombing magpies.
(HANK produces a brochure.)
HANK
Say now, here's that 50 hectares of land we're looking at. Up near Tamworth.
HORACE
Tamworth? Are there twilight homes in Tamworth?
VIKKI
Great, Hank. Excellent.
HANK
Hold on honey, I want the boys to take a look at this.
HORACE
Whereabouts is it?
HANK
Out on the Man-illa road.
VIKKI
The Manila Road.
HORACE
Near the old army huts? We lived in them after the war. Housing Commission took them over.
CHOOK
The hut's'd be long gone now, dad.
HORACE
Before that we lived at the shanty town. Fairview. When I lost the farm. I was a soldier settler. Have I told you about that?
CHOOK
What are you going to do with 50 hectares?
HANK
Well, sir, at the moment we're leaning toward an 18 hole County Club with Drive-In Rib Joint longside..an maybe a little ole honky tonk disco with international artists performing. Maybe get one of them mechanical bulls like they got at Gilley's. And not right away but eventually a Water Works for the kids and a Frontierland if we can get us a Disney franchise. I tell you, we're gonna turn Tamworth on its head. Gonna be busy as a tick in a tarbucket, ain't we honey? Gonna call the whole shebang "Nashville South".
(CHOOK and HORACE are mortified.)
HANK
Hoo-wee! Hoo-wee! If that don'y beat all! Seems I ain't the only sucker for a good story hereabouts, Chuck. Fact is, I don't know doodley squat about Country Clubs. Fact is, we're kinda hoping you'll take a look at that land and give us a vfew ideas. When you get a spare moment at the festival. Chuck? We thoght - no? - we didn't?
(CHOOK flinches. VIKKI signals.)
HORACE
Are you going to Tamworth? (clasps CHOOK'S hand) I could scatter Enid's ashes.
CHOOK
I'll only be gone for a few days.
HORACE
I'll help you with your comeback, son. I'll carry your banjowhatsit.
CHOOK
Enough. I'm just going for a bit of a squizz, maybe run into a few old fsces, that's all.
HORACE
Don't run into a real ugly one and marry her this time. Are you going to see Psarl?
CHOOK
Enough! All right!
VIKKI
We should get going. You can take your hoof out of your mouth now, Hank.
HANK
Little darlin, you oughtn't to keep secrets from ole Hank.
VIKKI
I'll let ole Hank in on another one. The airplane to Tamworh isn't booked solid any more. It's only 5 or 6 hours, isn't it, dad? In the old bus?
CHOOK
I'll get onto the Paradise Caravan Park.
HANK
Hell no. I ain't stayin in no trailer park.
CHOOK
Hope there are no floods this year.
HANK
The hell I am.
(VIKKI loads HANK with presents from under a gum tree. She hands CHOOK a large boxed present.)
VIKKI
Happy Christmas.
CHOOK
Will you be seeing Norma?
(He fetches a present. VIKKI sniffs it.)
CHOOK
Her favourite.
VIKKI
Bye dad. Bye granddad.
HANK
We're staying at the Travelodge, You hear me? I ain't sharing airspace with no mosquitos and other Aussie creepy crawlies. You hear me?
Scene 5
(The present/1960
CHOOK plays guitar introduction to "It's Not The Same". PEARL enters opposite. Initially they sing across time/space but converge as argument develops.)
PEARL
It's not the same any more
It's not the same since you met her, that's for sure
(CHOOK stops playing.)
PEARL
Don't you like it?
CHOOK
Have you written the verse?
PEARL
(sings)
Summertime wee found a special place
Underneath the Mulla Creek bridge
In the ruins of the Nundle church -
What now?
CHOOK
Nundle and Mulla Creek.
PEARL
What about them?
CHOOK
They sort of go clunk when you hear them.
PEARL
You don't mind San Antonio Rose or Blue Moon of Kentucky.
CHOOK
Everyone's heard of Kentucky.
PEARL
It's about time eveyone heard about Nundle. Are you embarrassed, singing about round here? What's got into you, Chook? That city girl put ideas in your head?
CHOOK
It's 1960, not 1890. We've got aeroplanes and radios now.
PEARL
So?
CHOOK
So we're not cut off from the rest of the world. We're not out back any more. Pretty soon there won't be any outback.
PEARL
So?
CHOOK
So if we're ever gonna make a quid -
PEARL
Ah.
CHOOK
If we're going to make a quid, we've got to make the songs less..clunky. Less..
PEARL
Australian? More American, you mean? About honky tonks instead of pubs? Bugger that.
CHOOK
No, not American. I would just like people in Sydney, say -
PEARL
Is she pretty?
CHOOK
I'd just like people in Sydney to have a clue what we're singing about -
PEARL
Bugger people in Sydney. They're not country.
CHOOK
The record company's in Sydney.
PEARL
Bugger the record company. They're not bloody country either. What's her name, anyway?
CHOOK
Leave it, Pearl. Let's finish the song.
PEARL
Hasn't she got a name?
CHOOK
Norma. Can we finish the song?
PEARL
Norma at the record company?
(CHOOK plays an intro.)
PEARL
Is that how come we got to make a record?
(PEARL sings a line or two, then stops.)
PEARL
She can't like you that much. They put our song on the B side.
(She sings another line.)
PEARL
Norma, the typist at EMI. She looked like a rooter.
CHOOK
For Christ's sake! LEAVE IT. We've got to keep work separate.
PEARL
Norma at EMI. Call that separate? Are you going to see her again?
CHOOK
I don't know. Probably not.
PEARL
But you're not sure.
CHOOK
I don't know.
PEARL
When will you know?
CHOOK
I don't know.
PEARL
Could she get or song on the A side next time, if you ask her nicely?
CHOOK
Get off it! Just get off it!
PEARL
What's happened to you, Chook? I want to do songs about here, about bloody us. That's how we started. Bugger it. THis is where we bloody well live!
CHOOK
Mind your language, Pearl. Dad's in the next room.
PEARL
Thee's no point in calling yourself bloody country if there's no bloody country in your songs. And we can't sing about bloody us if there is no bloody us. You're a traitor, Chook. You sold us all down the river.
Scene 6
(CHOOK'S backyard. CHOOK lost in thought. HORACE enters.)
HORACE
You going to bring another woman in here when I'm gone? Might as well. Get one that can sing this time. Where's Pearl?
CHOOK
Thirty years in the past, dad.
HORACE
She likes me. I like her. She's a fine country lass, son. She can milk a cow. Why don't you marry her?
CHOOK
Dad, you're getting all mixed up.
HORACE
Is there someone else, son? Is it that city girl? You can't have it both ways. A man has to make up his mind.
CHOOK
It was made up ages ago. Let's talk about this later, eh?
HORACE
Why didn't you marry Pearl?
CHOOK
Because she threw the ring in the river, didn't she?
HORACE
Good for her. Where's my earpiece?
CHOOK
In your ear.
(CHOOK goes inside.
HORACE leaps from his wheelchair, whips off his dressing gown, revealing an old suit. He dons his hat and exits, leaving the dressing gown.)
Scene 7
(1960. Maguire's Hotel.
A resumption of the earlier gig, but later. PEARL holds a new 7" single in one hand, a schooner in the other.)
PEARL
We made our first record, Chook and me. They made us do an old Hank Williams song for the A side. That's because radio stations prefer songs by well-known dead foreigners. Took a bit of work, but in the end they got Chook sounding just like a well-known dead foeigner. I recon our song's better. Went down to Sydney to record it. It's not as nice as here, eh Lester? But thee's lots of pretty girls there.
SONG: It's Not The Same
PEARL
(sings)
Summertime we found a special place
Underneath the Mulla Creek bridge
The planks they rattled under passing cars
We swam and dust hung in the air
And the sun it still shines and the grass it still grows
And the willow still weeps as the river still flows
Once or twice it snowed at Hanging Rock
Winter in the Hills of Gold
In the ruin of the Nundle church
We threw our prayer books on the fire
And the fire still grows cold, I still turn out the light
As the wind it still howls round the house late at night
Instrumental verse.
And sometimes looking west from the New England Range
I can almost believe that nothing has changed
And on saturday night in the City Of Light
The only thing missing is you
It's not the same any more
It's not the same since you walked right out that door
It's not the same since you met her that's for sure
It's not the same any more
(PEARL takes a small bow and staggers from the drink..)
Scene 8
(CHOOK'S backyard. CHOOK returns, carrying his Christmas present, to find HORACE'S discarded dressing gown. He hurries to the CB radio in his car..)
CHOOK
Blue Dog to Combined Taxis. Over.
WARREN
This is Combined Taxis. Come in Blue Dog. Over.
CHOOK
Warren? The old man's gone walkabout again.
WARREN
Cripes. That's the 4th time this month, Chook.
CHOOK
It's the hot weather. Put out an APB, will you? He'll be heading somewhere between northwest and southwest. And lok, if he kicks up a fuss, tell him OK, he can come up to Tamworth with me. Thanks Wazza. Over and out.
(CHOOK unwraps his present: a pair of exquisitely detailed American cowboy boots. He tries them on. Admires himself..)
WARREN
Combined taxis to Blue Dog. Over.
CHOOK
This is Blue Dog. You found him?
WARREN
On the great Western, just past Emu Plains. Heading for Bathurst.
CHOOK
Bathurst? The bastard.
Scene 9
(On the road the Tamworth.
VIKKI and HANK enter with suitcases. HORACE follows, with Enid's ashes and swag. They pile into the car with CHOOK.
The car fails to start, breaks down regularly en route, and stops due to HORACE'S incontinence, wandering off. Breaks in song structure represent these stops.)
HORACE
(frequently)
Are we there yet?
SONG: New England Highway
CHOOK AND CAST
(sing)
There's a town on the New England Highway
It's a town where troubles disappear
It's the country music jewel with guitar-shaped swimming pools
It's the Nashville of the southern hemisphere
It's not Hexham, it's not Maitland, it's not Muswellbrook or SCone or Murrurundi
It's not Singleton or Branxton, Willow Tree, Wingen, Woop Wioop or Wallabadah
There's a town on the New England Highway
It's a town with a heart made of gold
With a down home feel it's the city on the Peel
When they made it well they must've broke the mould
It's not Armidale or Guyra, it's not Tenterfield, Glen Innes or Uralla
It's not Dundee or Deepwater, Bungulla, Bluff Rock, Black Stump Buggerdifiknow..
(Tempers fray, doors slam, as the car undergoes major breakdown and is pushed to the side of the road for the night. Car lights go out. Darkness.)
HORACE
Are we there yet?
SFX: Mopoke.
HANK
What's that?
CHOOK
It's a Mopoke, Hank. A type of snake.
Scene 10
(1960. Maguire's Hotel. PEARL'S gig, continued.
PEARL has a few beers under her belt now. Drunk for the first time.)
PEARL
I've got this photo. There's Chook, he's about ten, up at Anzac park this was. Looking pretty cute, 'cept he's got on this all black cowboy suit, fringes and black hat and that. It's got little Hopalongs on the vest. And a Roy Rogers Deputy badge. And he's got a Aene Autry Junior Guitar in one hand and a Western Star Colt 45 cap gun in the other. And he's standing under the Lest We forget gate in Anzac Park. Whadya reckon? Won the war, lost the peace.
LESTER
Take it easy, Pearl.
PEARL
He'd crawl naked over broken glass to be a well known dead foreigner. Bloody Hank Williams only had one song. About how h got cryin' drunk down the honky tonk when his divorce came through. What's country about that? Sold bloody millions. "Gotta pay for the groceries". That's what Chook says. Anyway, what's Norma got that I haven't got? Groceries. And him. And a secret.
LESTER
Steady on, Pearl.
(He leads her off.)
PEARL
Fill 'er up, Lester! Know what I reckon? He might be over there, whee he comes from, but round here, Hank Williams's not country!
Scene 11
(Night. On the road.)
HANK
Hank Williams NOT COUNTRY? Whoa!
CHOOK
That's what she said. Dad? Coo-ee! But when we played his songs, the hat always came back full. That got up her nose even more. Coo-ee! Only Slim and one or two others could pay for their own groceries in those days.
HANK
Hard times. Slim who?
CHOOK
Coo-ee! Yeah, I thought old Hank was the greatest thing since tomato sauce sandwiches. Pesarl went off her rocker. (whistles) The arse was falling out of touring anyway because of tv and rock and roll and Menzies. Then I met Norma and had Vikki and got married.
VIKKI
In that order?
CHOOK
Thought you were asleep.
VIKKI
Was I a scandal, was I?
CHOOK
I just got lucky.
VIKKI
Was I what made up your mind? Between mum and this Pearl?
CHOOK
It was what you did in those days. DAD! Coo-ee!
SFX: Mopoke
HANK
Snake, Chook.
CHOOK
No, it's dad, He talks to them.
VIKKI
Dad. Hank and me've got this idea. Hank's headlining the three biggest show at the Workmen's Club..
HANK
Fact is Chook, we need a support act and so far they ain't come up with one we like. Catch my drift?
CHOOK
Go on.
VIKKI
It's only a fifteen minute spot, dad. But how about it?
CHOOK
You want me to support you?
HANK
There ain't a lot of money in it, you understand.
VIKKI
But it'll be great exposure.
CHOOK
Beggars can't be choosers, eh?
VIKKI
We just want to help.
(HORACE enters, from the dark.)
HORACE
We don't need charity!
VIKKI
It's not charity.
HORACE
Need someone to make you look good, do you?
HANK
I don't need this.
CHOOK
Settle down the lot of you.
VIKKI
You know you miss it. Here it is, GRAB it! For god's sake, it's what you need!
CHOOK
I've been out of the game for thirty years. The last thing I need is to play support to my daughter and her big star husband in my home town.
HORACE
He's already supported you for twenty years.
CHOOK
Dad, put a sock in it.
HORACE
Otherwise he wouldn't've stopped in the first place.
VIKKI
Don't lay that on me - !
CHOOK
Shut up, both of you. Drop the subject, all right? Sorry about this Hank. Happens every Christmas.
(Blackout.
A car door slams. Another. Another. HANK strikes a match.
HANK
Say, you guys, when's sunup?
VIKKI
In the morning.
Scene 12
(Dawn. A faintly illuminated sign: Paradise Caravan Park.
Early morning sounds: a guitar being tuned. Coughhs, gargling, other ablutions. Clatter of cans. Cursing. A voice: Shut up! Shadowy figures stumble through..
As the car is pushed into the park..
REPRISE: New England Highway (chorus)
CHOOK AND CAST
(sing)
But if you don't know where I'm bound
You must be six foot underground,
Because it's Tamworth
Tamworth my home town
Yeah if you haven't guessed by now
You've never seen a horse or cow
Because it's Tamworth
Tamworth my home town
(VIKKI and HANK take their luggage and exit.)
HORACE
Are we there?
(CHOOK propels HORACE with toilet bag towards the ablution block. Then unwinds with a beer.)
HORACE (OFF)
(anguished scream))
Aaaaaah!
RESIDENT
Musta run out of hot water again.
HORACE (OFF)
Aaaaaaah!
RESIDENT
Must be back on.
HORACE (OFF)
You @#%!*&^!!
RESIDENT
Probably dropped his radio down the dunny.
(HORACE enters. Spuced up, hair slicked.)
HORACE
I dropped my radio down the dunny.
(CHOOK sniffs the air.)
RESIDENT
Can't be the pong from the starch factory. Wind's not right.
CHOOK
Flyspray?
HORACE
Aftershave.
CHOOK
MY aftershave.
HORACE
Flyspray.
(HORACE disappears behind the car.)
CHOOK
Hey dad! You want a beer now?
RESIDENT
He just went out.
CHOOK
Where?
RESIDENT
Dunno. Just saw him go.
CHOOK
Did he have his hat on?
RESIDENT
Yeah, he had his hat on.
CHOOK
Shit.
(CHOOK finds HORACE'S dressing gown behind the car.)
CHOOK
I'll kill him.
RESIDENT
That's a bit harsh, Chook. Where's he gone?
CHOOK
Bourke. Blayney. Birdsville. Buggered if I know. He's a BASTARD.
Scene 13
(Oxley Lookout, Tamworth. Atop a hill overlooking the town. HORACE sings as he travels, arrives at the lookout..)
SONG: When You Go, Don't Leave A Note
HORACE
(sings)
I'm hanging like a rabbit on the fencewire
I'm cracking like a shirttail on the line
Nothing in my pockets 'cept a mortgage
And a photo of the girl I left behind
And when you go, don't leave a note
Cause it's written all over your face
I'm hanging like a chicken on the clothesline
I'm drifting like a bottle on the tide
I don't really like them but I love
And I kinda miss them when they don't arrive
And when you go, don't leave a note
Cause it's written all over your face
He looks out over the town.
HORACE (CONT'D)
(points) Chook was born there. There's a motel there now. After I lost the farm. I went back at night and stole the big tank. We rolled it to the shanty town. There wasn't enough room in it to swing a car. We didn't have a cat. Chook was born in there, I waited outside for fourteen hours. Enid knew what she was doing..
(He turns up his pocket radio.)
RADIO VOICE
Here's a curly one. A Lost Octagenarian Announcement. Horace Fowler, 89, went missing from the Paradise Caravan Park this morning. Horace is 5 feet 10, grey hair, wearing a blue suit. hat, and slippers and is dscribed as "a cunning old bastard". You heard it first on 2TM.
HORACE
There was an open season on possums. Ha'penny a head. I owed the bank 20 quid. That's a lot of possums. After the possums ran out, they got us to build the road up to the lookout. After we finished we all pissed off the top. I got 2nd furthest. Then we built the Town Hall and the abattoirs. If the Depression hadn't ended they'd've got us to build all their bloody motels too.
RADIO VOICE
Aha. We don't usually do Want Ads but this one's especially appropriate, seeing as this is Country Music Week in the country Music Capital. It's addressed to Pearl, if she's listening:
(HORACE reacts.)
RADIO VOICE (CONT'D)
And the message is: "Lonesome muso wishes to meet lonesome lyricist". Kinda sweet, kinda country. OK, this one's for Pearl..
HORACE
It was Hitler ended the Depression. Killed a lot of people and the rest got jobs. I didn't get the farm back.
HORACE
(sings)
I'm comfy as a sparow with a black snake
I'm fading like a portrait of the Queen
You never know you're luck until you lose it
When you find it, well you don't know where it's been
And when you go, don't leave a note
Cause it's written all over your face..
Scene 14
(Paradise Caravan Park. VIKKI and HANK wait. The car radio is on.)
RADIO VOICE
We have a further news flash. Dubbed by prominent historians as "The Last Of The True Bushmen", Horace Fowler has eluded the widest search operation seen in New England since the famous Stephen Walls duisapearance in 1960. Run, Horace, run!
(CHOOK enters, distressed.)
CHOOK
Run, Horace, run?! He's got a bad heart. I'm going round the station and thump that bloke.
VIKKI
Stop. Relax. Breathe calmly. Centre yourself. The police will find him.
CHOOK
They couldn't find bananas in Queensland. Dad's a bushman. If there's one totally isolated spot left in this country, he'll find it. He knows people who'll hide him, you know.
VIKKI
We're talking paranoid here.
CHOOK
Other bushmen. Thee's lots of them. Been hiding in the hills for donkey's years. Hairy old bastards. They'll hide him.
VIKKI
Until he drives them up the wall. Gran died of exhaustion. He'll do the same to you.
CHOOK
He wants to die out there.
VIKKI
He'll turn up when he's hungry.
RADIO VOICE
Remember yesterday's "Lonesome muso wishes to meet lonesome lyricist" dalliance? We've got another. It's for "Chook" this time. Chook? Fowlyard romance.
CHOOK
(turns up radio) Dad.
RADIO VOICE
Listening, Chook? Here's the message. (fowl noises) Bok bok bok bok. Excuse me. It gets very lonely in here too. I'll read the message. "Chook. Got any new songs? Be at the Hing Nam cafe, Spring Street, Gunnedah tonight". The Hing Nam cafe?
CHOOK
The Hing Nam cafe? In Gunnedah? I don't know any Chinrese songs.
RADIO VOICE
Old Chook is going to be very busy this weekend. There's a VERY strong rumour he'll be guesting at the Workies, supporting the Oklahoma Outlaw, Hank Henderson -
CHOOK
What?!
HANK
Just a rumour, Chuck. The publicity machine runs by itself sometimes, goddamit. We can take down the posters, can't we, honey?
CHOOK
POSTERS?
VIKKI
You've got us all wrong, dad, Hank and me'd be really proud if you'd play with us.
CHOOK
I wouldn't be. Proud.
VIKKI
So how come being the support act sticks in your craw? You're tempted, aren't you?
CHOOK
I'll think about it. Get off my back and I'll think about it.
VIKKI
We start tonight. You know you want to do it. Just make up your mind. You know what I mean?
CHOOK
It is mae up. I'm busy tonight.
VIKKI
You'll probably blow us offstage. You're the local.
CHOOK
Lapsed, Vikki.
(CHOOK exits.)
Scene 15
(1960. Maguire's Hotel.
PEARL staggers in from outside, drunk and spinning out. Clutching the "Chooky and Pearl" record.)
PEARL
Oh god, make the room stay still. Bastard. Probably thought they grew under cabbages. Bastard. Treacherous. Bloody. Bastard.
(LESTER proffers a glass of water.)
LESTER
Don't worry about the guitar. It'll clean up.
(PEARL accidentally drops the record and breaks it.)
PEARL
When're they gonna make these things unbreakable? Thee's a song in that.
(She leans on the microphone stand. CHOOK appears opposite, strumming guitar.)
PEARL
Hard times make good music, don' they?
(CHOOK and PEARL duet, in different time/place.)
SONG: Creek In Flood
PEARL/CHOOK
(sing)
When the clouds are bruised and swollen
Bedroom's airless and the moths bang on the lightbulb
40 days and 40 nights of pouring rain
And warnings from the bureau, distant news about a car washed off a causeway
I start to wonder where you are
Come on home, just come on home
If you live by the river, you're gonna get wet
Are we staying? Are we leaving?
Take a look up at that floodmark on the ceiling
Left in 1954. Still it pours
Stock are heading for the high ground
Nothing for it, gotta let the horses go
And hope the high ground's high enough
Come on home, honey, come on home
If you live by the river you're gonna get wet
You can mine the mountain, you can drain the sea
You can tear the bark right off the tree
You can live in hate and you can die of love
But only a fool fights a creek in flood
Trees and cattle foam and fencing
Floating by me as I sit here on the rooftop
One mistake that's all it takes
That's all it takes
You can say it's in the schooling
You can say the foolishness is in the blood
When you're up to here in mud
And pouring rain, it's all the same
If you live by the river, you're gonna get wet..
END of ACT 1
ACT 2
Scene 1
(The Hing Nam Cafe: "Chinese and Australian Meals". Bare except for a few laminex tables. CHOOK enters with guitar. He sits, nervously checks time, spills soy sauce, checks lengthy menu. The waitress - PEARL - enters behind him. Now past 50, she is barely recognisable in a lurid Cheong Sam, Chinese slippers, wig.)
PEARL
What'll it be, cowboy?
CHOOK
(startled) Oh. Excuse me.
(He removes his hat.)
PEARL
Leave it on. I don't care. Those hats leave a funny mark round your head, don't they? You ready?
CHOOK
I'm not sure.
PEARL
I've got all night.
CHOOK
I'm waiting for someone.
PEARL
Bus stop's down the road.
CHOOK
I'll have a mixed grill, please.
PEARL
A mixed grill?
CHOOK
Yes, please.
PEARL
Thought you might. How'd you like it?
CHOOK
Medium, please.
PEARL
One medium mixed grill. Eat here or take away?
CHOOK
Eat here, plesae.
PEARL
Menthol or plain?
CHOOK
Eh?
PEARL
Anything to drink?
CHOOK
What've you got?
PEARL
It's on there. Coke, Fanta, tea Chinese and Australian, Nescafe.
CHOOK
I'll have some tea, please.
PEARL
Chinese or Australian?
CHOOK
Ah, Chinese.
PEARL
Devil. That the lot? Will your friend be eating?
CHOOK
What friend?
PEARL
The one you're waiting for.
CHOOK
Don't know. Mightn't turn up.
PEARL
It's a tough life.
(She exits. Returns with knife, fork, plate with two white slices.)
PEARL
Mixed grill'll be a while. Cook's night off. Have to slaughter the ox myself. Have to catch him first.
(They stare at each other.)
PEARL
Chook?
CHOOK
Pearl?
PEARL
Fuck me dead. You, ya bastard.
CHOOK
Shit, eh?
PEARL
Think I'm gonna have a coronary occasion. Chooky Fowler. Of all the chinese cafes in all the world..
CHOOK
Shit, eh?
PEARL
Bloody hell, Chook.
CHOOK
Shit, eh?
PEARL
You could've warned me. What are you doing here?
CHOOK
What are YOU doing here?
PEARL
I own the place.
CHOOK
You own it?
PEARL
Yeah. Hing Nam's Chinese for Pearl. Got the place off my third Chinese husband - Chinese third husband, when he kicked off.
CHOOK
Oh, I'm sorry.
PEARL
I'm not. I could've wound up with the laundry, which his sister got. Bugger running a laundry.
CHOOK
Third husband? You've been busy.
PEARL
Never a dull moment. Yeah, I got the caff from him, I got a car from number two, and I got a depressed fracture of the cheekbone from number one. Bastard. Still, mustn't speak ill of the dead.
CHOOK
They're all dead?
PEARL
Yeah. Although it was hard to tell with number two. Yeah, buried three of 'em. They had two things in common. They all hated country music and they're all dead. Musta been my cooking. Listen, you don't want a mixed grill.
CHOOK
I don't?
PEARL
You could be number four. The soup's safe. It's just hot water. I wave a chicken feather over it. You still singing?
CHOOK
Not much. Christmas party at the club. Shower at home. I;ve got a job. You?
PEARL
My solo career lasted one night. I got pissed down at Maguire's, threw up in Lester's guitar, and trod on our record. I took it as a sign. How's Norma?
CHOOK
Fine. OK. We're separated. Three months ago.
PEARL
Oh I am sorry. What took you so long?
CHOOK
Vikki's all grown up and left home. My daughter.
PEARL
Oh right. The bun in Norma's hot little oven. Pardon me.
CHOOK
She's a singer.
PEARL
Country?
CHOOK
Whatever. You name it, she can sing it.
PEARL
She versatile or confused?
CHOOK
Mum died. About a year ago.
PEARL
She was a good stick. How's Horrie?
CHOOK
He's run away. It's not funny! He's out of his tree. Pretty tough old coot for 89, and his legs still work, sort of. But he's off with the pixies. He's driving me up the wall, Pearl. I can't handle him on my own. I'm going to have to do something with him, you know? So he's trying to blackmail me.
PEARL
Is he succeeding?
CHOOK
He's a bloody regional hero! They're printing "Run Horrie Run!" T-shirts! At last one Sydney channel's got a whiff of it. Offering more money than you can poke a stick at for the story.
PEARL
Take it.
CHOOK
Money's not going to help him now.
PEARL
I used to fancy your old man.
CHOOK
What?
PEARL
He knew it, too. Keep your shirt on. It was harmless. I fancied you more.
CHOOK
Anyway..what about this gig or whatever it is? Not much of a crowd.
PEARL
Come again?
CHOOK
I heard your thing on the radio.
PEARL
What thing on the radio?
CHOOK
I wasn't expecting you.
PEARL
Oh. You mean that ad. Now I'm with you. Was that you?
CHOOK
Was what me?
PEARL
On the radio.
CHOOK
I wasn't on the radio.
PEARL
Pull the other one. The ad. "For Pearl. Lonesome mso.." Pretty corny, even for you.
CHOOK
I never heard that. I just heard "Be at the Hing Nam Cafe tonight".
PEARL
Where'd you hear that?
CHOOK
On the bloody radio.
PEARL
That was on the radio? Hasn't done much for business. Why would that be on the radio? I rang and left my address when I heard your message, which I didn't know was yours..
CHOOK
It wasn't mine.
(Pause.)
CHOOK
The bastard. He's a bastard, Pearl!
Scene 2
(HORACE enters, with Enid's ashes. He removes his coat and tie, rolls sleeves, surveys the land: site of his lost farm.)
SONG: Haunted Hills
PEARL
(sings)
Took a walk beside the Peel
Dry with dust and cracking mud
Driftwood on a picnic ground
Thrown up by a flood
Just a chimney in a field
Jonquil growing in the hearth
Walls and floor are long since gone
Underneath the earth
This is familiar country
Lost between the wars
Yankee Doodle and Empire Day
They ride the same old horse
Something buried in the past
Just a ghost with time to kill
Lonesome a the sound of falkling rain
In the haunted hills
Instrumental under.
HORACE
I pulled out the blackberries. I shot the rabbits. Half the farms didn't have water. The blocks were too small. Government bunnies. The drought of 1919 was a beauty. No harvest. Carcases everywhere. Don't like to complain but, Enid could cook anything. Good on you, enid. Joe's Creek was full of eels.
PEARL
(sings)
This is familiar country
Lost between the wars
Yankee Doodle and Empire Day
They ride the same old horse
These hills are haunted
Memory clears the land
Ghosts of tribal people
Making camp on the river bend
These hills are haunted
Memory clears the land
Ghosts of old time bushman
Only bones beneath the sand
HORACE
I owed the bank twenty five quid. Neve figured out what it had to do with them stock exchanges. We lost the lot between the wars. Same horse, different rider. That's what Enid used to say.
(He scatters Enid's ashes. Removes his slippers, rolls up trousers..)
HORACE (CONT'D)
The creek better not be full of eels.
(HORACE shuffles off.
Reprise final choruses.
Scene 3
(The on-site auction. HANK bids, Vikki, beside him, worries. CHOOK and PEARL watch from the sidelines.)
AUCTIONEER
..80, 80, I have 85, the bid is 85000. Might as well give it away. (HANK bids) I see you, sir. 90, 000. 95 up the back. (HANK bids) 100. (VIKKI scratches nose) 105. Thankyou madam. 105. 110. 115. (HANK waves off an insect) I see you sir, 120. In 10 years time this land will be part of Tamworth proper and suitable for subdivision. Although I'm not promising anything. 125 over there. (HANK waves at an insect) I see you sir, 130. 135. (Another insect) 140. And 145. (Another insect) 150.
(The insect zeroes in on HANK.)
HANK
(waving furiously) Yah! Get away! Get away!
AUCTIONEER
155. And a very colourful bid it is, sir. 160. 165.
(HANK freezes.)
HANK
Get it off me! Get it off me!
AUCTIONEER
170.
CHOOK
Don't move, Hank. It's o the back of your head. Keep absolutely still. Get the gun, Vikki.
HANK
No gun! No gun!
CHOOK
Ha! Got him!
HANK
Jehosophat. What is that?
CHOOK
Christmas beetle. Here.
HANK
No!
CHOOK
It's only a baby. Still, I reckon it's mum and dad must be round here somewhere.
AUCTIONEER
Waiting on you, sir. Are you able to continue?
HANK
I just don't like creepy crawlies, ok? It's a phobia-type hangup I have.
PEARL
This is prime creepy crawlie territory. Maybe you should save your money.
HANK
It's just an investment. Hell, we ain't gonna live here.
PEARL
Shame.
CHOOK
Pearl.
PEARL
Maybe you oughta take it back to the states and plonk it down next to London Bridge and the rest of your collection.
HANK
Say what? Excuse me?
AUCTIONEER
I have 170,000 dollars. Under the entomological circumstances I won't hold you to that bid sir, but perhaps next time you could remember the AeroGard.
HANK
The bid stands.
VIKKI
Hank! It's too much.
HANK
It's chickenfeed. The bid stands.
AUCTIONEER
170. Any advance on 170? 170 once. 170 twice. Are we all done? Sold for 170,000 dollars! Your name, sir?
HANK
Henderson. Hank B. Henderson.
AUCTIONEER
Sold to Mr Hank B. Henderson.
(HANK celebrates and goes to complete formalities.
HORACE enters, tattered, scratched, dirty, branches and brambles clinging to him. Feral, wild-eyed, Lear-like. He clutches a small bag made from a handkerchief.)
HORACE
(scratching legs) Bloody eels, Creek was full of em. I could eat a horse.
CHOOK
Where've you been?
(He embraces HORACE.)
HORACE
Watch out! Don't squash em! (the bag) Christmas Beetles. They do what I tell them. One never came back.
CHOOK
You bugger. Are you all right?
HORACE
It's a fine piece of land, Norma. Bit procey. What's your name again? Nothing wrong with this land. I could manage it, Norma,
VIKKI
Yes, yes you could, Granddad.
HORACE
I'll start first thing. G'day Pearl.
PEARL
G'day Horrie. You're looking good.
HORACE
Cheeky lass. Is Enid watching? Congrattulations, son. You've got yourself a good woman. Have you set the date yet?
(He takes CHOOK and PEARL by the hand.)
CHOOK
Dad.
HORACE
I'll be there with bells on. Got a house picked out? I could live out the back.
CHOOK
Come on, dad. Let's go home.
HORACE
Come on Pearl, shake a leg. We're going home. Oh! I heard something on the radio, son.
CHOOK
There've been a lot of things on the radio lately.
HORACE
You're not playing second fiddle to them at the Workies, are you?
CHOOK
No, I'm not.
HORACE
I heard it on the radio.
HANK
Scuttlebutt, Mr Fowler.
HORACE
Talk English, you galoot.
VIKKI
Relax, granddad. Dad's made up his mind. He's not doing it.
CHOOK
I will if I get equal billing.
HANK
Say what?
CHOOK
I want equal billing.
HANK
No way, Jose.
CHOOK
I do a minimum 30 minutes. I do one show only. On the final night.
HANK
Honey, I don't need this. Honey? Back me up on this.
CHOOK
And I come on in the middle of the show, between your sets.
HORACE
He already supported you for 20 years.
VIKKI
I never asked for that. I ws an accident, remember?
CHOOK
A happy one, Vikki, a happy one.
HORACE
Not for Pearl.
PEARL
Don't, Horrie, please.
HORACE
Pearl threw the ring in the river, Norma. She had to. He had to do the right thing by her, Pearl. You're a brave lass. I looked but I couldn't find the ring. I've been up and down that creek a million times. It must've gone in the flood.
(He takes CHOOK and PEARL'S hands again.)
HORACE
Never mind. We'll get you a new one now. Let's go home. I can live out the back, can't I?
(They exit.)
Scene 4
(The Tamworth & District Workmen's Club)
ANNOUNCER
Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the Tamworth & District Workmen's Club, a major star in the licenced club firmament! And a special hello to our out-of-town visitors - have you tried our smorgasbord yet? Just before we get the show on the road: NSF 810 you've left your lights on, you dill. OK. Ladies and gentlemen! Tamworth Workies takes great pleasure in presenting the hottest country combo seen round these parts since chickens had lips, all the way from Elk City Oklahoma, via Austin Texas, courtesy of American Express. Continental Airlines, and the Big Rooster chain, bringing his lean mean New Country sound downunder. a young man who might soon be calling Tamworth home, please give a warm Australian country welcome to the Oklahoma Outlaw, Mr Hank Henderson!
(HANK enters and powers into his highly structured 'mean sexy outlaw' show..)
SONG: Stranger In Town
HANK
(sings)
I don't take too much for granted
I'm a stranger in this town
Faces stare in the hotel bar
Cold as the sun gone down
The map on the seat don't tell me
These old hills look new
I don't recognise the river
And the sky's a different blue
Cause I'm a stranger in this town
Stranger in town, he'll wait for a train
While the rest of the town, they're all waiting for rain
The gas stations might be familiar
Like the songs on the radio
They got chicken here from Kentucky
But we're all a long way from home
Cause I'm a stranger in this town
Scene 5
(The Hing Nam Cafe. Soft slow instrumental under,
HORACE bathes in an old tank, CHOOK and PEARL slow-dance in the middle of the room.)
CHOOK
Got any new songs?
PEARL
Nope. You?
CHOOK
No. Pearl. About tonight. Would it be ok if I did a couple of our old numbers?
PEARL
Doesn't worry me.
HORACE
We'll be at the pokies all night if you play any of that American stuff. What's wrong with "The Dying Stockman?"
(sings)
"Wrap me up in me stockwhip and blanket
And bury me deep down below
Where the dingos and crows won't molest me
In the shade where the coolibahs grow.."
You could do "The Dying Canecutter" and "The Dying Bagman" too. You know them?
CHOOK
Heard them last time you took a bath.
PEARL
Are they that old?
HORACE
And "The Dying Harlot."
CHOOK
That one's not for mixed company, dad.
HORACE
Enid taught it to me.
(sings)
Charlotte the Harlot lay dying -
CHOOK
Dad! You want to write some new songs, Pearl?
PEARL
What time are you on?
CHOOK
In the future, I mean. With me.
PEARL
I know. There's one problem, Chook. I'm getting married again in a couple of weeks.
HORACE
WHAT?
PEARL
We're moving to Western Australia. To No Tree Hill. There's no hill either. Out past Kalgoorlie, on the wrong side of the rabbit-proof fence. It's not on the map.
CHOOK
What are you going to do out there?
PEARL
He's with the mines. So I guess he's going to dig holes. I'm going to read and perfect Chinese damper.
HORACE
West Australia's a hole. What d'you want to marry this other fellow for?
CHOOK
Mind your own business.
HORACE
You should've married him in the first place.
PEARL
Want me to scrub your back?
HORACE
No! Get away, get away. Children. Better off with a dog. (scratches) Bloody eels.
CHOOK
We could do it by correspondence. Write songs.
PEARL
You reckon?
CHOOK
Done it before. Remember Town and Country Waltz?
(sings)
Don't give your heart to a man who can't make up his mind..
PEARL
Oh, Chooky. Sorry about that one.
CHOOK
It's a bloody good song. Might do it tonight. You interested in getting up and doing it with me?
PEARL
I was pretty dark at you. You and Norma and Hank Williams.
CHOOK
(sings)
Take these chains from my heart and set me free..
PEARL
I still don't think he's country.
CHOOK
So how about it? Write songs by long distance. It's easier these days.
PEARL
Shake.
CHOOK
What're you going to do with this place?
PEARL
Don't know. You want it?
HORACE
I could live out the back.
CHOOK
What would I do with it?
PEARL
Open a club. The first Chinese Country Music Cafe in New England.
HORACE
I was a barman once. I was a good barman. I could pull a Chinese beer.
CHOOK
Don't get your hopes up. After tonight, we're going home.
HORACE
He's having me put down, Pearl. He's putting me away and Matron's going to sneak in one night and give me the big needle.
CHOOK
Button it, dad.
HORACE
Can I come to Western Australia? He's going to put me away. He's made up his mind.
CHOOK
Isn't that water cold yet?
HORACE
I like it cold.
(sings)
And when you go, don't leave a note
It's written all over your face
(CHOOK displays his new cowboy boots.)
CHOOK
What do you think?
PEARL
They match your horse. Bust into Roy Rogers' grave, did you?
CHOOK
Do I look all right? What about my hair?
PEARL
Keep your hat on or don't bow.
(She straightens his string tie.)
CHOOK
How about doing this show with me?
PEARL
No thanks. I don't think me and Vikki's cowboy see eye to eye. All that razzamattaz is not quite my speed. You know that.
CHOOK
Hank's harmless. Long as you don't take any notice of him. And they are doing me a favour.
PEARL
No. You're doing them one.
CHOOK
We'd be good, Pearl.
PEARL
Maguire's was enough. Leave it there.
CHOOK
Just a couple of songs? A couple of our old ones?
PEARL
In between your Willie Nelson and your Hank Williams medleys? Hank Henderson brings you a pair of genuine stuffed locals. See them before they disappear.
CHOOK
Hell's bells. One show won't hurt you!
PEARL
I'm greedy. I live here. I want more than equal billing in my own back yard. You're on your own tonight, mate.
CHOOK
(to HORACE) The car leaves in ten minutes.
(CHOOK exits. PEARL exits opposite.
HORACE stands in the bath, looks around, furtive.)
CHOOK
And don't get any bright ideas about running off again, all right!
Scene 6
(The Tamworth & District Workmen's Club)
HANK
It sure as hell is a pleasure bein' here in Tamworth, folks. Yeah. Soon as I saw you got a prison here, the Outlaw felt right at home. Now any of you remember "chooky" Fowler, one of your local country music pioneers from the fabulous '50s? Neither do I. Well, in ahort while thatbole prodigal boy Chooky returns to Tamwort as special guest of the Hank Henderson Band. Meantime, say howdy to Chooky's daughter - born in back of the Blue Dogs' ranchwagon - making her Australian debut with the Hank Henderson Band, singing a song she wrote herself, about her daddy, the Outlaw's sweetheart, Miss Vikki Fowler!
SONG: Waste Of Time and Tears
VIKKI
(sings)
When I was 10, I wore a cowgirl suit
With an Annie Oakley badge like a star
And I didn't know what my mother really meant
By a woman needs some iron in her heart
When I was 16, my father said to me
Honey, I don't know much about girls
I was only taught what it means to be a man
It means the last tear I cry will be my first
It's a waste of time and a waste of tears
When you don't really know what you want
It's a waste of time and a waste of tears
When you don't really find what you need
I never forgot the words you told me
They're under my skin and on my mind
When I left home I drove my bargain hard
I said Goodbye folks, I'm out to get what's mine
Now I'm not so sure if goodbye's too strong a word
Because you're under my skin and on my mind
It's a waste of time and a waste of tears
When you don't really know what you want
It's a waste of time and a waste of tears
When you don't really find what you need
(HANK joins VIKKI.)
HANK
Ain't that a pretty little song, folks? Now Vikki, I understand it's been a while since your daddy played round these parts.
VIKKI
Yes, Hank. But he never forgot his real home. He just took time off to raise a family, that's all.
HANK
From where I'm standin', it looks like time well spent. Nice one, Chook. All right, Tamworth, please welcome back after too many years, special guest of the Hank Henderson Band, the Oklahoma Outlaw's In-law, your very own Mr Chooky Fowler!
(CHOOK does not appear. VIKKI goes sidestage.)
HANK
Seems like Chook's a mite gun shy after all this time. How about you make that good old boy feel extra welcome, all right?
(PEARL and HORACE appear sidestage. VIKKI signals.)
HANK
Slippery varmint, ain't he?
VOICES (OFF)
Chook? Chook!
(HANK moves sidestage.)
HANK
Chook! You get your ass out here right now, y'hear? Be right with you, folks.
(muted) What in hell kinda shit's goin' down here?
(HORACE shuffles onstage, with CHOOK's cowboy boots. PEARL checks the boots.)
PEARL
Worst case of stagefright I ever saw. Leapt clean out.
HORACE
He's done a runner! He's a bastard, Pearl.
Scene 7
(Maguire's Hotel. That same night.
CHOOK wanders onstage with guitar. No boots.)
CHOOK
Ah, thanks for letting me get up tonight, unexpected. Place loks different since I was here last. Smells the same. Could be because Lester's still here. Lester's got an ingrown barstool. Any of you at the Workies a bit earlier? Sorry, I left in a hurry, Had a few people on my back. Had some boots on earlier too. They didn't suit me. This is one of the few places in town where you can make a decent comeback in your socks. They say I'm not a counry boy any more. They're probably right. But maybe they're wrong.
SONG: Salt Of The Earth
CHOOK
(sings)
They say I'm not a country boy no more
They say I've travelled far away too far
A hundred miles of dusty road
A thousand miles of tar
They say I'm not a country boy no more
But I still can tell the salt of the earth
He's the one who picks up glasses for the boss
She's the one who can't find money for the house
The one whose kids are screaming
The one whose car breaks down
The one who knows exactly what it's worth
The bitter taste of salt of the earth
And it's never too late to stop your doubting
And find that you really feel at home
And now and then you get to meet the salt of the earth
They say I'm not a country boy no more
They say I've travelled far away too far
Working for a living
Scratching for my life
They say I'm not a country boy no more
But I still can tell the salt of the earth
He's the one..etc
And it's never too late..etc
(HANK enters, partway through CHOOK'S song. VIKKI trails.)
HANK
I oughta bust your ass, Fowler. You're crooked as a barrel full of snakes. Goddammit, not even the good Lord himself'd say I oughtn't to bust your ass.
VIKKI
Hank.
HANK
Where in hell d'you get off, sabotaging my show?
VIKKI
Hank. Handle it.
HANK
I oughta bust his ass, honey.
VIKKI
Handle it, Hank.
HANK
Only should've known you'd turn chicken, Chook.
VIKKI
He didn't turn chicken.
HANK
There's a real strong aroma of feathers in this room.
VIKKI
HANK!
CHOOK
Excuse us a minute. Family.
VIKKI
You could've warned us.
CHOOK
It was a snap decision. Based on thirty years consideration. I just had to get the hell out of there.
HANK
What is this place anyway? There was over a thousand good people back there. You'd rather be playing in a swamp to thirty drunken bums? You can't soar like an eagle if you fly with turkeys.
(HORACE enters.)
HORACE
What about the wheat subsidies? When're you going to get rid of the wheat subsidies? And what about the beef quotas? And the butter mountains, you bludgers! You know what a butter mountain is?
HANK
For god's sake, it's a mountain of butter? - hell, that ain't us, pops!
HORACE
One swallow doesn't make a summer. You were late for two world wars!
CHOOK
Dad.
HORACE
Who killed Phar Lap, eh? Who pinched Malcolm Fraser's pants? Who gave me these boots?
HANK
Goddammit, will you all just GET OFF MY CASE? Hell, even your wildlife's got a chip on its shoulder. And I'm gonna write a song about it. I'm gonna record me a song about this past week. I'm gonna call that song "Christmas In Hell" or maybe "Ballad Of A Sucker". So all you Aussies can have a big laugh. And you know what else? You're all gonna queue up and buy that record in bucketloads. Yessir, you can keep moanin' and blamin' and complainin' about me and mine, but you're still gonna buy it in buckets. So who's the sucker? Now if you folks'll excuse us, we got a plane to catch.
CHOOK
You going already?
VIKKI
Early connection.
HORACE
See you next Christmas.
VIKKI
You should never have stopped singing.
CHOOK
It was the done thing. You look after her, son.
HANK
Let's go honey.
VIKKI
A couple more minutes won't hurt. Finish the song.
(CHOOK completes "Salt Of The Earth".)
Scene 8
(Outside the Hing Nam Cafe. CHOOK loads the car. HORACE finishes a bowl of soup. PEARL brings CHOOK'S new cowboy boots.)
PEARL
What about these?
CHOOK
They're all yours. Put em on your mantlepiece. Souvenir.
PEARL
I'll give them to the Smith Family. Sure you don't want the caff?
CHOOK
No thanks, Pearl.
HORACE
Country's gone to the goats.
CHOOK
Come on. Bolt that down and get in the car.
HORACE
What is this stuff?
PEARL
Combination soup.
HORACE
Combination dead horse and town water.
(He pours it on the ground.)
CHOOK
In the car.
HORACE
Maguire's said they'd have him back next year. He can scatter my ashes in the carpark. If he's got time.
PEARL
Goodbye, Horrie. Take care.
HORACE
What if number four pops off too?
PEARL
You'll be the first to know.
(HORACE sneers at CHOOK as he gets in the car.)
PEARL
Don't forget to write.
(CHOOK produces a CD from his pocket.)
CHOOK
Here's a couple of tunes to go on. One thing. No songs about the good old days.
PEARL
No songs about good old boys and honky tonks either.
CHOOK
Get yourself a good horse and a notebook. Put No Tree Hill on the map.
PEARL
Going to stay in Sydney?
CHOOK
Might sell the house. Buy a caravan.
PEARL
Sounds good.
CHOOK
But not just yet.
PEARL
Him? Or Norma?
CHOOK
Unfinished business.
PEARL
Will it ever be finished? Oh Chooky, you're a silly old bastard.
CHOOK
Maybe next year,
(CHOOK and PEARL embrace.)
SONG: Common Touch
PEARL
(sings)
The lie of the land
The creak of the windmill
The cockatoos wheeling in the sky
Hearing the rain on an iron roof
It doesn't seem like much
It doesn't seem that much
CHOOK
(sings)
The bird's on the wire
The cat's in the window
The radio playing down the beach
Getting a haircut in the morning sun
It doesn't seem like much
It doesn't seem that much
CHOOK/PEARL
(sing)
The town and the country
The soft and the hard hearts
I'm writing a letter to a friend
I'm hoping it's sealed with some heart and soul
It doesn't seem like much
It doesn't seem that much
It doesn't cost that much
It's just the common touch
THE END
(c) Tim Gooding
September 2009