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KING OF COUNTRY
by Tim GOODING
country instruments - fiddle, pedal steel, mandolin, banjo.
Able to cover a variety of styles.
of land, from quarter acre block to outback expanse.
battered. On the side in faded letters: Chook Fowler's Country & Western Show
Featuring The Blue Dogs!
Elsewhere: a band podium, with offstage access.
Act 1
Sc 1 King Of Country Chook
Sc 3 Town & Country Waltz Pearl/Chook
Sc 7 It's Not The Same Pearl
Sc 9 New England Highway Lester/Chook
Sc 11 When You Go Horace
Sc 13 Creek In Flood Pearl/Chook
Act 2
Sc 2 Haunted Hills Pearl
Sc 4 Stranger In Town Hank
Sc 6 Waste Of Time & Tears Vikki
Sc 7 Salt Of The Earth Chook
Sc 8 Common Touch Pearl/Chook
All songs (words & music) written by Tim Gooding.
ACT ONE
Scene 1
Mongrel! You mongrel! You flaming
mongrel!
He kicks the mower.
CHOOK (CONT'D)
You bastard!
A solo guitar introduces:
SONG: King Of Country.
CHOOK (CONT'D)
I never thought I'd live to see the day
I'm surrounded on all sides except the sky
But if I squint my eyes therooftops look like clay
The colour of the heartland far away
The river cuts through sandstone to the sea
Sheffield Blight it takes care of the trees
Soil so thin it slips right through your hand
Nothing grows but houses on this land
Everybody knows the King of Country
King of County knows this country best of all
East of the mountains
West of Drummoyne
South of the Doyalson lights
Sydney or the bush I used to say
Doesn't seem to mean the same today
Somewhere there's a rider & he's never seen the sea
Never seen the city but I bet he's seen TV
Maybe soon he'll mow the lawn & whistle just like me
Nothing grows but houses on this land
Everybody knows the King of Country..etc..
Scene 2
A suburban backyard that has been "let go". Overgrown, fallen palings, cartons of empty bottles. Bedraggled Christmas decorations. The overturned & abandoned mower. Heat & flies.
On the radio: Hank Williams.
CHOOK begins clear the yard.
RADIO ANNOUNCER
The late great Hank Williams.
Unfortunately Hank can't make it
up to Tamworth for this year's
country music festival, which is
a shame, cause neither can Hank
Cochran, Hank Locklin, Hank Snow,
Hank Thompson and a whole lotta
other late great country Hanks.
But the VERY latest Hank, the
Oklahoma Outlaw, Hank Henderson,
latest and wannabe greatest in a
long line of Yank Hanks WILL BE
THERE! So will his Aussie
sweetheart, Vikk Fowler. And so
will I..
CHOOK collects a soggy carton. The bottom falls out, spilling bottles/cans.
CHOOK
You bludging mongrel cow of a
thing!
He kicks the rubbish.HORACE enters in a wheelchair at top speed. A small cardboard box on his knee.
HORACE
What's up you, son? A man can't
hear himself listen to the races!
The doctor said I could kick off
at any time. I'll miss the
Welter. Why don't you clean up
this mess? Why are you cleaning
up this mess? Is Norma coming
back?
CHOOK
No.
HORACE
Are you sure Norma's not coming
back? She left on the 6th of
september. At 8.30. That's 3
months ago. You're over the worst
now, son. It's like smoking. What
happened to my sunday drive?
CHOOK
I'll just do the lawns first.
HORACE
That's what you said about making
a comeback. It just grows back
into bush, you galoot. Then you
can chop the lot down all over
again. Will you sunday drive me
back to Tamworth?
CHOOK
That's a bit further than I was
thinking.
HORACE
(re cardboard box)
I have to scatter Enid's ashes.
Norma's gone now. Why can't you
just leave the mess, son?
CHOOK
Because I can't leave the mess!
They'll be here soon. Are you
wearing that?
HORACE
No. I'm wearing a barrel and
braces. I always wear this.
Who'll be here son?
CHOOK
Vikki and Hank.
HORACE
Hank? Who's Hank?
CHOOK
Vikki's husband.
HORACE
Who's Vikki?
CHOOK
Your granddaughter.
HORACE
I remember her from last
Christmas. What's his name again?
CHOOK
Hank. HANK.
HORACE
Is he that dopey banjo twanger?
CHOOK
No. This one plays guitar and
sings.
HORACE
I hope he does it better than you
did. What's his name again?
CHOOK
HANK. Rhymes with Yank. Which is
what he is.
HORACE
Did she marry a septic? Why
didn't you stop her?
CHOOK
I didn't know till I got the
press release from the states.
HORACE
You should've married Pearl
instead. She'd never let her
daughter marry a septic.
CHOOK
Dad. Let's leave Pearl out of
today's proceedings, all right.
As CHOOK crosses the yard, lugging a rubbish bin, he casually collects Enid's ashes in passing.
HORACE
ENID! Enid! Don't throw that box
away!
CHOOK
Jesus. That was close, dad,
wasn't it? Strewth.
HORACE
Give her to me. Give her to me.
CHOOK
Settle down. I'm just tidying up.
HORACE
Putting your mother in the bin
and your father in Belsen is just
tidying up, is it?
CHOOK
Are you talking about the
retirement village now, are you?
HORACE
If that's a village I'm a
shearer's armpit. Matron said
there's a vacancy coming up in
May.
CHOOK
Nothing's decided yet.
HORACE
She's poisoning someone in April.
CHOOK
I only took you there to see what
it's like.
HORACE
It's like a prewash for the
crematorium. If she comes near me
with her sponge, I'll stretch her
neck like a rabbit.
CHOOK
Nothing's decided yet, dad, all
right! So let's get just right
off the subject.
HORACE
Don't you want my granddaughter
to know you're having me put to
sleep?
CHOOK walks away.
HORACE (CONT'D)
Son? Son? I have to scatter your
mother in Tamworth. I promised
her on her death bed.
CHOOK
Dad. You know we've got a lovely
spot set aside for mum at
Rookwood.
HORACE
Have you got a lovely spot set
aside for me too?
CHOOK
It's a fine piece of land, dad.
HORACE
I can put in some wheat and run a
few sheep while I'm down there.
What if they slip someone else in
beside Enid, before I get there?
CHOOK
Mum won't stand for it.
HORACE
Is it all paid for?
CHOOK
Yes, dad.
HORACE
The bank can't get it?
CHOOK
No, dad.
HORACE
They got my farm. Up near
Tamworth. Have I told you about
that? Pommy bastards. I was a
soldier settler. What about the
army? Can they take it? I saw
tanks go through a cemetery in
France.
CHOOK
It's sacred ground, dad.
HORACE
That's what the abos thought.
CHOOK seeks refuge in collecting loose palings.
HORACE (CONT'D)
You mother and I never brought
you up to be tidy. Norma tidied
you up. Good and proper. Enid ws
faithful for 63 years. I have to
scatter her in Tamworth.
CHOOK
Hank and his band are playing at
the festival. He's a big star and
he'll be very busy, but if you
ask nicely maybe he'll do it for
you.
HORACE
Are you going too?
CHOOK
What do you think?
HORACE
You could see Pearl.
CHOOK
Button it, dad.
HORACE
You could make a comeback with
her.
CHOOK
Button it, dad.
HORACE
She could sing like a bird.
CHOOK
BUTTON IT!
CHOOK hurls palings to one side, with a crash.
HORACE
She could sing like a bird.
Scene 3
1960. Maguire's Pub. Tamworth. Pearl & Blue Dogs band.
SONG: Town and Country Waltz. Pearl.
PEARL
He bought a new car like the one
that he saw in the city
With duco the colour of
Patterson's curse
It's downhill from here he said a
he drove up the mountain
The money is better but the
weather is worse
Chorus
In between the town and the
country
In between the city and the soil
Town and country waltz
With a man who can't make up his
mind
Don't give your heart to a man who can't make up his mind
He'll only take it and leave it somewhere on a train
He says he once knew this land like the back of his hand
But he's wearing a glove and it all looks the same from a plane
Repeat chorus
Instrumental break.
PEARL (CONT'D)
(nervous)
Hello ladies and gentlemen. I'd
like to thank Mr Maguire for
letting us play in his hotel..
Lester hands her a schooner.
PEARL (CONT'D)
Thankyou Lester. Cheers. Sorry Chooky isn't here tonight. He
left town in a hurry.
Disapproving murmurs from band.
PEARL (CONT'D)
He got a new car. And he forgot
where the brake is.
LESTER
He'll be back.
Chooky never could make up his
mind. This is me and Chook's
brand new song. Lucky last. I
mailed him the words and he threw
a tune at it. Cheers.
(sings)
He bought a new house and now
he's a man with a mortgage
And a car and a kid and a good
quarter acre of ground
He cut himself loose from the past
and he's tied to the future
I hope he remembers just why when
he wakes up alone
PEARL (CONT'D)
Thankyou.
Scene 4
CHOOK'S backyard. Car bonnet up. Ricketty barbecue. HORACE is in his wheelchair: eyes shut, head back, mouth open. VIKKI and HANK enter. VIKKI has a slight US accent.
VIKKI
Granddad? It's Vikki. Merry
Christmas.
No response.
HANK
I think that old boy's done
celebratin', honey.
VIKKI
Granddad? He'll boil what's left
of his brain out here.
She tries to push the chair.
HANK
His foot's in the spokes, darlin'.
VIKKI
Dad! We're here! Coo-ee!
HANK tries to free HORACE, in vain. Puts his own hat on HORACE'S head.
VIKKI (CONT'D)
He's probably turned his hearing
aid down.
(shaking him)
Granddad!
She removes, listens to HORACE'S earpiece.
VIKKI (CONT'D)
The 3rd at Moonee Valley.
She listens to HORACE'S chest.
VIKKI (CONT'D)
I don't know about this, Is he
breathing?
HANK
(listens)
Can't tell. Yeah! No. Sh, honey.
VIKKI
My asthma. Where's dad? Maybe i
should call the repat.
HANK
Say what? What's a rePAT?
VIKKI locates the hearing aid in HORACE'S pocket.
VIKKI
Aha. Yo, granddad! Wake up!
GRANDDAD!
HORACE
WHAT!? WHAT?! What's up you,
Norma?
VIKKI
I'm Vikki, granddad. Norma's not -
HORACE
(clutching hearing aid)
WHAT!?
VIKKI
Never mind.
HORACE
WHAT!? Speak up, Norma.
VIKKI
I'm VIKKI - forget it. Where's
dad?
HORACE
What's up her? What're you doing
back here anyway? What happened
to your Fancy Man?
VIKKI
Read my lips. Vikki. I'm Vikki,
granddad. Settle down.
HORACE
I am settled down.
VIKKI
You were asleep.
HORACE
I was not water skiing, I was
asleep. Are you him? Are you
Norma's Fancy Man?
He raises his fists.
HANK
Hank Henderson, sir. You can call
me Hank.
HORACE
I oughta knock your block off.
Hank who? Are you Hank? Were you
here last christmas?
HANK
No, sir. I was not.
HORACE
You're her dopey banjo twanger.
You gave me a pair of socks.
HANK
That wasn't me, sir.
HORACE
Nylon socks. I only wear wool.
Are you the septic tank?
VIKKI
Granddad means a citizen of the
United States.
HANK
Yes sir. Elk City, Oklahoma.
HORACE
Never heard of it. Are you Hank?
HANK
Yessir. Short for Henry.
HORACE
Who's Henry? Are you Henry?
HANK
Yessir. I was named after Mr
Henry Fonda. Cause my mama
brought me into the world halfway
through a matinee of "Mr
Roberts".
HORACE
Rabbits! I shot all the rabbits.
CHOOK enters, bearing groceries and a slab.
HORACE (CONT'D)
He was born during a rabbit
plague.
VIKKI
Dad. Good to see you. How're you
doing?
I'm really sorry about you and
mum. We need to talk. Are you ok?
CHOOK
Careful Vix. You'll crush the
chips. I'm fine. Did you bring
little Marilyn?
VIKKI
She's too young to fly. We left
her with Hank's mum and dad.
HANK
Henry Henderson, sir. You can
call me Hank.
CHOOK
So you're the one that's taking
my little girl away from me, eh?
HANK
It's an honour to join your
family, sir. I've been to 3 state
fairs an' a goat-ropin', and I
ain't seen nothin' come near this
little filly. Sir.
HORACE
You oughta knock his block off,
son. You've got a nerve bringing
your Fancy Man round here, Norma.
Yo oughta buy him a beer, son. He
did you big favour.
CHOOK
That's Henry, dad.
HORACE
I know who he is. You don't look
like Henry Fonda.
HANK
My daddy liked ole Henry ever
since that movie bout Okies in
the Depression dustbowl. An' when
I saw that movie, you know
straightaway I had to write a
song about it.
VIKKI
"From the Dustbowl to the Rose
Bowl". I helped write it. Was it
a hit out here too?
CHOOK
It sounds like it should've been.
HANK
Bout how my daddy got dusted out
and headed for California, and 50
years later I was doing the exact
same thing with my band. How both
of us was followin' our dreams.
HORACE
You know what a rabbit plague is?
HANK
Sure. It's a plague of rabbits.
HORACE
He's the full quid, Norma.
(to CHOOK)
She's found a brain surgeon to
sponge off now. You can sell the
house. Go back to Tamworth. You
can make your comeback.
HANK
Well now, Vikki tells me you're
still a hot Country singer,
Chuck.
CHOOK
Chook. No, Vikki's got it wrong
there.
HORACE
He's a TV repairman.
CHOOK
I occasionally make a fool of
myself with a couple of Hank
Williams numbers down at the
bowling club. If that's still
hot, I'm it.
VIKKI
When I was little, you told me
you were the best singer to come
out of New England.
CHOOK
When you were little, I was the
only singer to come out of New
England.
HORACE
Everybody else had brains. They
stayed. You should've married
Pearl instead.
VIKKI
Pearl? She the one in that photo?
CHOOK
What photo?
VIKKI
The one in the bottom of the
suitcase on top of the wardrobe
in the garage. Mum showed me. Did
you almost marry her, did you?
CHOOK
No. I used to sing with her.
Years ago.
HORACE
Before he met you.
VIKKI
I'm Vikki, granddad. Norma -
that's my mum - sends her love.
CHOOK
Have you seen Norma, have you?
How is she?
VIKKI
She's fine.
CHOOK
How's our Cliff?
VIKKI
Dad, we need to talk. Can we
talk?
CHOOK
I better get this meat on before
it goes off. What do you think of
this place, Hank?
HANK
Well now, Chuck -
He tends the barbecue.
CHOOK
Chook. Did Vikki tell you the
first postman in this suburb rode
a camel?
HANK
Shoot.
CHOOK
Fair dinkum. I remember the day
it died. Poor bugger couldn't
take Bass Hill and keeled over.
And for heavy parcels, specially
after the war when all those TVs
and electric frypans and modcons
and that started flooding in from
over your way, they used a
bullock team. 'Parramatta' is
aboriginal for 'far from the
shops'. You know what a bullock
team is?
HANK
Sure. It's a team of bullocks.
CHOOK
Not so long ago, we couldn't pay
people to come out this far. Even
when Blaxland Wentworth and
Telecom put the phones on. That's
what 'Cabramatta' means. Far from
taxis.
HANK
You wouldn't be funnin' ole Hank,
now would you?
VIKKI
Sweetheart, how about you take
granddad for a quiet spin around
the block? Dad and me need some
quality time.
CHOOK
The doctor said he could go
anytime, Vikki.
VIKKI
Hank?
HANK
If I'm not back in half an hour,
tell them to rush release my
Greatest Hits.
He exits with HORACE.
VIKKI
Dad. I don't think you're dealing
with your problem.
CHOOK
Norma's not a problem any more.
Norma's gone. Did she say
anything to you? About coming
back?
VIKKI
You need to do something. You
haven't done anything for a long
while.
CHOOK
I've been busy.
VIKKI
Drifting between the house and
the garage, tinkering and
listening to the races. Yeah? You
know how crazy that drove mum and
me?
CHOOK
You mentioned it from time to
time.
VIKKI
You need to get away from this
house. Just for a break. What
about Bali?
CHOOK
That's overseas, isn't it? I
don't like needles. Chinese food
upsets my stomach.
VIKKI
Noosa then.
CHOOK
Bit trendy for me.
VIKKI
Tamworth. Come up for the
festival.
CHOOK
With you?
VIKKI
Without granddad. A week in the
old stamping ground. See a few
mates, sink a few beers in the
sun, listen to some good old
country music. Sound like heaven?
CHOOK
Close.
VIKKI
All that and the old boy back in
Sydney, driving Auntie Val up the
wall.
CHOOK
I'll think about it.
VIKKI
Make up your mind now. Quickly.
Before he gets back.
CHOOK
The old bus could do with a good
long run.
VIKKI
You're flying up.
CHOOK
We have to take the old bus, Vix.
VIKKI
Are we talking we here, are we? I
don't think Hank will be
comfortable with an old bus
situation.
CHOOK
It's only 5 or 6 hours, Vix. It
wouldn't feel the same without
the old bus.
VIKKI
I wouldn't mention it to Hank
just yet, ok?
CHOOK
Don't you mention I'm going to
Tamworth in front of dad at all.
HANK and HORACE return.
VIKKI
Would you like some Christmas
cake, granddad? It's home made.
HORACE
Who made it?
VIKKI
Me.
HORACE
I'm full.
(to HANK)
Will you take me to Tamworth with
you?
HANK
I reckon our aircraft's book
solid already, sir. But hey,
Chuck, we got a great idea -
CHOOK and VIKKI initiate diversion.
CHOOK
Poor old Bluey. Remember old
Bluey, Vix? Named my band after
him. He was a good dog.
VIKKI
Except he smelt.
CHOOK
So did the band. Bad eczema,
Hank. Poor old Bluey. Got snappy
in his old age. Bailed himself up
under the house. He's still
there. Along with a thousand
rolled up Daily Telegraphs. And
those fluffy slippers you gave
me.
HANK
Bluey stole them, huh?
CHOOK
Nope. Christmas beetles.
HANK
Say what?
CHOOK
Christmas beetles. Haven't you
ever seen a Christmas beetle?
It's not a pretty sight. Big
buggers. Wingspan like THAT.
Carry 200 times their own weight.
HANK
Shoot.
CHOOK
Eat birds, rabbits, small sheep.
That's why I never buy fluffy
brown slippers. I'd keep my hat
on if I were you, Hank. They're
not called Christmas beetles
because they come round at
Easter.
CHOOK ducks. Everyone else ducks, involuntarily.
HORACE
They're not as bad as the dive
bombing magpies.
HANK produces a brochure.
HANK
Say now, here's that 50 hectares
of land we're looking at. Up near
Tamworth.
HORACE
Tamworth? Are there twilight
homes in Tamworth?
VIKKI
Great, Hank. Excellent.
HANK
Hold on honey, I want the boys to
take a look at this.
HORACE
Whereabouts is it?
HANK
Out on the Man-illa road.
VIKKI
The Manila Road.
HORACE
Near the old army huts? We lived
in them after the war. Housing
Commission took them over.
CHOOK
The hut's'd be long gone now,
dad.
HORACE
Before that we lived at the
shanty town. Fairview. When I
lost the farm. I was a soldier
settler. Have I told you about
that?
CHOOK
What are you going to do with 50
hectares?
HANK
Well, sir, at the moment we're
leaning toward an 18 hole County
Club with Drive-In Rib Joint
longside. Maybe a little ole
honky tonk disco with
international artists performing.
Maybe get one of them mechanical
bulls like they got at Gilley's.
And not right away but eventually
a Water Works for the kids and a
Frontierland if we can get us a
Disney franchise.
I tell you, we're gonna turn
Tamworth on its head. Gonna be
busy as a tick in a tarbucket,
ain't we honey? Gonna call the
whole shebang "Nashville South".
CHOOK and HORACE are mortified.
HANK (CONT'D)
Hoo-wee! Hoo-wee! If that don't
beat all! Seems I ain't the only
sucker for a good story
hereabouts, Chuck. Fact is, I
don't know doodley squat about
Country Clubs. Fact is, we're
kinda hoping you'll take a look
at that land and give us a vfew
ideas. When you get a spare
moment at the festival. Chuck? We
thought - no? - we didn't?
CHOOK flinches. VIKKI signals.
HORACE
Are yo going to Tamworth?
(clasps CHOOK'S hand)
I could scatter Enid's ashes.
CHOOK
I'll only be gone for a few days.
HORACE
I'll help you with your comeback,
son. I'll carry your
banjowhatsit.
CHOOK
Enough. I'm just going for a bit
of a squizz, maybe run into a few
old faces, that's all.
HORACE
Don't run into a real ugly one
and marry her this time. Are you
going to see Pearl?
CHOOK
Enough! All right!
VIKKI
We should get going. You can take
your hoof out of your mouth now,
Hank.
HANK
Little darlin, you oughtn't to
keep secrets from ole Hank.
VIKKI
I'll let ole Hank in on another
one. The airplane to Tamworh
isn't booked solid any more. It's
only 5 or 6 hours, isn't it, dad?
In the old bus?
CHOOK
I'll get onto the Paradise
Caravan Park.
HANK
Hell no. I ain't stayin' in no
trailer park.
CHOOK
Hope there are no floods this
year.
HANK
The hell I am.
VIKKI loads HANK with presents from under a gum tree. She hands CHOOK a large boxed present.
VIKKI
Happy Christmas.
CHOOK
Will you be seeing Norma?
He fetches a present. VIKKI sniffs it.
CHOOK (CONT'D)
Her favourite.
VIKKI
Bye dad. Bye granddad.
HANK
We're staying at the Travelodge,
You hear me? I ain't sharing
airspace with no mosquitos and
other Aussie creepy crawlies. You
hear me?
Scene 5
The present/1960
CHOOK plays guitar introduction to "It's Not The Same".
PEARL enters opposite and sings. Initially they sing across
time and space, but converge as argument develops..
PEARL
It's not the same any more
It's not the same since you met
her, that's for sure
CHOOK stops playing.
PEARL (CONT'D)
Don't you like it?
CHOOK
Have you written the verse?
PEARL
(sings)
Summertime w found a special place
Underneath the Mulla Creek bridge
In the ruins of the Nundle church
-
What now?
CHOOK
Nundle. Mulla Creek.
PEARL
What about them?
CHOOK
They sort of go clunk when you
hear them.
PEARL
You don't mind San Antonio Rose
or Blue Moon of Kentucky.
CHOOK
Everyone's heard of Kentucky.
PEARL
It's about time everyone heard of
Nundle. Are you embarrassed,
singing about round here? What's
got into you, Chook? That city
girl put ideas in your head?
CHOOK
It's 1960, not 1890. We've got
aeroplanes and radios now.
PEARL
So?
CHOOK
So we're not cut off from the
rest of the world. We're not out
back any more. Pretty soon there
won't be any outback.
PEARL
So?
CHOOK
So if we're ever gonna make a
quid -
PEARL
Ah. Here we go.
CHOOK
If we're going to make a quid,
we've got to make the songs
less..clunky. Less..
PEARL
Australian? More American, you
mean? About honky tonks instead
of pubs? Bugger that.
CHOOK
No, not American. I would just
like people in Sydney, say -
PEARL
Ah. People in Sydney. Is she
pretty?
CHOOK
I'd just like people in Sydney to
have a clue what we're singing
about.
PEARL
Bugger people in Sydney. They're
not country.
CHOOK
The record company's in Sydney.
PEARL
Bugger the record company.
They're not bloody country
either. What's her name, anyway?
CHOOK
Leave it, Pearl. Let's finish the
song.
PEARL
Hasn't she got a name?
CHOOK
Norma. Can we finish the song?
PEARL
Norma at the record company?
CHOOK plays an intro.
PEARL (CONT'D)
Is that how come we got to make a
record?
PEARL sings a line or two, then stops.
PEARL (CONT'D)
She can't like you that much.
They put our song on the B side.
She sings another line.
PEARL (CONT'D)
Norma, the typist at EMI. She
looked like a rooter.
CHOOK
For Christ's sake! LEAVE IT.
We've got to keep work separate.
PEARL
Norma at EMI. Call that separate?
Are you going to see her again?
CHOOK
I don't know. Probably not.
PEARL
But you're not sure.
CHOOK
I don't know.
PEARL
When will you know?
CHOOK
I don't know.
PEARL
Could she get or song on the A
side next time, if you ask her
nicely?
CHOOK
Get off it! Just get off it!
PEARL
What's happened to you, Chook? I
want to do songs about here,
about bloody us. That's how we
stsrted. Bugger it. This is where
we bloody well live!
CHOOK
Mind your language, Pearl. Dad's
in the next room.
PEARL
There's no point in calling
yourself bloody country if
there's no bloody country in your
songs. And we can't sing about
bloody us if there is no bloody
us. You're a traitor, Chook. You
sold us all down the river.
Scene 6
CHOOK'S backyard. CHOOK lost in thought. HORACE enters.
HORACE
You going to bring another woman
in here when I'm gone? Might as
well. Get one that can sing this
time. Where's Pearl?
CHOOK
Way in the past, dad.
HORACE
She likes me. I like her. She's a
fine country lass, son. She can
milk a cow. Why don't you marry
her?
CHOOK
Dad, you're getting all mixed up.
HORACE
Is there someone else, son? Is it
that city girl? You can't have it
both ways. A man has to make up
his mind.
CHOOK
It was made up ages ago. Let's
talk about this later, eh?
HORACE
Why didn't you marry Pearl?
CHOOK
Because she threw the ring in the
river, didn't she?
HORACE
Good for her. Where's my
earpiece?
CHOOK
In your ear.
gown, revealing an old suit. He dons his hat and exits, leaving the dressing gown.
Scene 7
1960. Maguire's Hotel.
A resumption of the earlier gig, but later. PEARL holds a new 7" single in one hand, a schooner in the other.
PEARL
We made our first record, Chook
and me. They made us do an old
Hank Williams song for the A
side. That's because radio
stations prefer songs by well
known dead foreigners. Took a bit
of work, but in the end they got
Chook sounding just like a well
known dead foreigner. I reckon
our song's better. Went down to
Sydney to record it. It's not as
nice as here, eh Lester? But
there's lots of pretty girls
there.
SONG: It's Not The Same
Summertime we found a special
place
Underneath the Mulla Creek bridge
The planks they rattled under
passing cars
We swam and dust hung in the air
the grass it still grows
And the willow still weeps as the
river still flows
Hanging Rock
Winter in the Hills of Gold
In the ruin of the Nundle church
We threw our prayer books on the
fire
And the fire still grows cold, I
still turn out the light
As the wind it still howls round
the house late at night
the New England Range
I can almost believe that nothing
has changed
And on saturday night in the City
Of Light
The only thing missing is you
It's not the same any more
It's not the same since you
walked right out that door
It's not the same since you met
her that's for sure
It's not the same any more
As PEARL takes a small bow, she staggers from the drink..
Scene 8
CHOOK'S backyard. CHOOK returns, carrying his Christmas present, to find HORACE'S discarded dressing gown. He hurries to the CB radio in his car..
CHOOK
Blue Dog to Combined Taxis. Over.
WARREN
This is Combined Taxis. Come in
Blue Dog. Over.
CHOOK
Warren? The old man's gone
walkabout again.
WARREN
Cripes. That's the 4th time this
month, Chook.
CHOOK
It's the hot weather. Put out an
APB, will you? He'll be heading
somewhere between northwest and
southwest. And look, if he kicks
up a fuss, tell him OK, he can
come up to Tamworth with me.
Thanks Wazza. Over and out.
CHOOK unwraps his present: a pair of exquisitely detailed American cowboy boots. He tries them on. Admires himself..
WARREN
Combined taxis to Blue Dog. Over.
CHOOK
This is Blue Dog. You found him?
WARREN
On the great Western, just past
Emu Plains. Heading for Bathurst.
CHOOK
Bathurst? The bastard.
Scene 9
On the road to Tamworth.
HORACE
(frequently)
Are we there yet?
SONG: New England Highway
CHOOK AND CAST
There's a town on the New England
Highway
It's a town where troubles
disappear
It's the country music jewel with
guitar-shaped swimming pools
It's the Nashville of the
southern hemisphere
It's not Hexham, it's not
Maitland, it's not Muswellbrook
or Scone or Murrurundi
It's not Singleton or Branxton,
Willow Tree, Wingen, Woop Wioop
or Wallabadah
There's a town on the New England
Highway
It's a town with a heart made of
gold
With a down home feel it's the
city on the Peel
When they made it well they
must've broke the mould
It's not Armidale or Guyra, it's
not Tenterfield, Glen Innes or
Uralla
It's not Dundee or Deepwater,
Bungulla, Bluff Rock, Black Stump
Buggered-if-i-know..Tempers fray, doors slam, as the car undergoes major breakdown and is pushed to the side of the road for the night. Car lights go out. Darkness.
HORACE
Are we there yet?
SFX: Mopoke.
HANK
What's that?
CHOOK
It's a Mopoke, Hank. A type of
snake.
Scene 10
1960. Maguire's Hotel. PEARL'S gig, continued.
PEARL has a few beers under her belt. Drunk for the first time.
PEARL
I've got this photo. There's
Chook, he's about ten, up at
Anzac park this was. Looking
pretty cute, 'cept he's got on
this all black cowboy suit,
fringes and black hat and that.
It's got little Hopalongs on the
vest. And a Roy Rogers Deputy
badge. And he's got a Gene Autry
Junior Guitar in one hand and a
Western Star Colt 45 cap gun in
the other. And he's standing
under the Lest We forget gate in
Anzac Park. Whad'ya reckon? Won
the war, lost the peace.
LESTER
Take it easy, Pearl.
PEARL
He'd crawl naked over broken
glass to be a well known dead
foreigner. Bloody Hank Williams
only had one song.
All about how he got cryin' drunk
down the honky tonk when his
divorce came through. What's
country about that? Sold bloody
millions. "Gotta pay for the
groceries". That's what Chook
says. Anyway, what's Norma got
that I haven't got? Groceries.
And him. And a secret.
LESTER
Steady on, Pearl.
He leads her off.
PEARL
Fill 'er up, Lester! Know what I
reckon? He might be over there,
where he comes from, but round
here, round here, Hank Williams's
not country!
Scene 11
Night. On the road.
HANK
Hank Williams NOT COUNTRY? Whoa!
CHOOK
That's what she said. Dad? Coo
ee! But when we played his songs,
the hat always came back full.
That got up her nose even more.
Coo-ee! Only Slim and one or two
others could pay for their own
groceries in those days.
HANK
Hard times. Slim who?
CHOOK
Coo-ee! Yeah, I thought old Hank
was the greatest thing since
tomato sauce sandwiches. Pearl
went off her rocker.
(whistles)
The arse was falling out of
touring anyway because of tv and
rock and roll and Menzies. Then I
met Norma and had Vikki and got
married.
VIKKI
In that order?
CHOOK
Thought you were asleep.
VIKKI
Was I a scandal, was I?
CHOOK
I just got lucky.
VIKKI
Was I what made up your mind?
Between mum and this Pearl?
CHOOK
It was what you did in those
days. DAD! Coo-ee!
SFX: Mopoke
HANK
Snake, Chook.
CHOOK
No, it's dad, He talks to them.
VIKKI
Dad. Hank and me have got this
idea. Hank's headlining the three
biggest show at the Workmen's
Club..
HANK
Fact is Chook, we need a support
act and so far they ain't come up
with one we like. Catch my drift?
CHOOK
Go on.
VIKKI
It's only a fifteen minute spot,
dad. But how about it?
CHOOK
You want me to support you?
HANK
There ain't a lot of money in it,
you understand.
VIKKI
But it'll be great exposure.
CHOOK
Beggars can't be choosers, eh?
VIKKI
We just want to help.
HORACE enters, from the dark.
HORACE
We don't need charity!
VIKKI
It's not charity.
HORACE
Need someone to make you look
good, do you?
HANK
I don't need this.
CHOOK
Settle down the lot of you.
VIKKI
You know you miss it. Here it is,
GRAB it! For god's sake, it's
what you need!
CHOOK
I've been out of the game for
thirty years. The last thing I
need is to play support to my
daughter and her big star husband
in my home town.
HORACE
He's already supported you for
twenty years.
CHOOK
Dad, put a sock in it.
HORACE
Otherwise he wouldn't've stopped
in the first place.
VIKKI
Don't lay that on me - !
CHOOK
Shut up, both of you. Drop the
subject, all right? Sorry about
this Hank. Happens every
Christmas.
Blackout.
A car door slams. Another. Another. HANK strikes a match.
HANK
Say, you guys, when's sunup?
VIKKI
In the morning.
Scene 12
Dawn. A faintly illuminated sign: Paradise Caravan Park. Early morning sounds: a guitar being tuned. Coughing, gargling, other ablutions. Clatter of cans. Cursing. A voice: "Shut up!" Shadowy figures stumble through the site. As the car is pushed into the park..
REPRISE: New England Highway (chorus)
CHOOK AND CAST
But if you don't know where I'm
bound
You must be six foot underground,
Because it's Tamworth
Tamworth my home town
Yeah if you haven't guessed by
now
You've never seen a horse or cow
Because it's Tamworth
Tamworth my home town
VIKKI and HANK take their luggage and exit.
HORACE
Are we there?
CHOOK propels HORACE with toilet bag towards the ablution block. Then CHOOK unwinds with a beer.
HORACE (OFF) (CONT'D)
(anguished scream))
Aaaaaah!
RESIDENT
Musta run out of hot water again.
HORACE (OFF)
Aaaaaaah!
RESIDENT
Must be back on.
HORACE (OFF)
You @#%!*&^!!
RESIDENT
Probably dropped his radio down
the dunny.
HORACE enters. Spuced up, hair slicked.
HORACE
I dropped my radio down the
dunny.
CHOOK sniffs the air.
RESIDENT
Can't be the pong from the starch
factory. Wind's not right.
CHOOK
Flyspray?
HORACE
Aftershave.
CHOOK
MY aftershave.
HORACE
Flyspray.
HORACE disappears behind the car.
CHOOK
Hey dad! You want a beer now?
RESIDENT
He just went out.
CHOOK
Where?
RESIDENT
Dunno. Just saw him go.
CHOOK
Did he have his hat on?
RESIDENT
Yeah, he had his hat on.
CHOOK
Shit.
CHOOK finds HORACE'S dressing gown behind the car.
CHOOK (CONT'D)
I'll kill him.
RESIDENT
That's a bit harsh, Chook.
Where's he gone?
CHOOK
Bourke. Blayney. Birdsville.
Buggered if I know. He's a
BASTARD.
Scene 13
Oxley Lookout, Tamworth. Atop a hill overlooking the town. HORACE sings as he travels, arrives at the lookout..
SONG: When You Go, Don't Leave A Note
HORACE
(sings)
I'm hanging like a rabbit on the
fencewire
I'm cracking like a shirttail on
the line
Nothing in my pockets 'cept a
mortgage
And a photo of the girl I left
behind
And when you go, don't leave a
note
Cause it's written all over your
face
I'm hanging like a chicken on the
clothesline
I'm drifting like a bottle on the
tide
I don't really like them but I
love
And I kinda miss them when they
don't arrive
And when you go, don't leave a
note
Cause it's written all over your
face
He looks out over the town.
HORACE (CONT'D)
(points)
Chook was born there. There's a
motel there now. After I lost the
farm. I went back at night and
stole the big tank. We rolled it
to the shanty town. There wasn't
enough room in it to swing a car.
We didn't have a cat. Chook was
born in there, I waited outside
for fourteen hours. Enid knew
what she was doing.
He turns up his pocket radio.
RADIO VOICE
Here's a curly one. A Lost
Octagenarian Announcement. Horace
Fowler, 89, went missing from the
Paradise Caravan Park this
morning. Horace is 5 feet 10,
grey hair, wearing a blue suit.
hat, and slippers and is
described as "a cunning old
bastard". You heard it first on
2TM.
HORACE
There was an open season on
possums. Ha'penny a head. I owed
the bank 20 quid. That's a lot of
possums. After the possums ran
out, they got us to build the
road up to the lookout. After we
finished we all pissed off the
top. I got 2nd furthest. Then we
built the Town Hall and the
abattoirs. If the Depression
hadn't ended they'd've got us to
build all their bloody motels
too.
RADIO VOICE
Aha. We don't usually do Want Ads
but this one's especially
appropriate, seeing as this is
Country Music Week in the country
Music Capital. It's addressed to
Pearl, if she's listening:
HORACE reacts to mention of Pearl.
RADIO VOICE (CONT'D)
And the message is: "Lonesome
muso wishes to meet lonesome
lyricist". Kinda sweet, kinda
country. OK, this one's for
Pearl.
HORACE
It was Hitler ended the
Depression. Killed a lot of
people and the rest got jobs. I
didn't get the farm back.
Resumes singing.
HORACE (CONT'D)
I'm comfy as a sparrow with a
black snake
I'm fading like a portrait of the
Queen
You never know you're luck until
you lose it
When you find it, well you don't
know where it's been
And when you go, don't leave a
note
Cause it's written all over your
face..
Scene 14
Paradise Caravan Park. VIKKI and HANK wait. The car radio is on.
RADIO VOICE
We have a further important news
flash. Dubbed by prominent
historians as "The Last Of The
True Bushmen", Horace Fowler has
eluded the widest search
operation seen in New England
since the famous Stephen Walls
disappearance in 1960. Run,
Horace, run!
CHOOK enters, distressed.
CHOOK
Run, Horace, run?! He's got a bad
heart. I'm going round the
station and thump that bloke.
VIKKI
Stop. Relax. Breathe. Centre
yourself. The police will find
him.
CHOOK
They couldn't find bananas in
Queensland. Dad's a bushman. If
there's one totally isolated spot
left in this country, he'll find
it. He knows people who'll hide
him, you know.
VIKKI
We're talking paranoid here.
CHOOK
Other bushmen. Thee's lots of
them.
Been hiding in the hills for
donkey's years. Hairy old
bastards. They'll hide him.
VIKKI
Until he drives them up the wall.
Gran died of exhaustion. He'll do
the same to you.
CHOOK
He wants to die out there.
VIKKI
He'll turn up when he's hungry.
RADIO VOICE
Remember yesterday's "Lonesome
muso wishes to meet lonesome
lyricist" dalliance? We've got
another. It's for "Chook" this
time. Chook? Fowlyard romance.
CHOOK
(turns up radio)
Dad - ?!
RADIO VOICE
Listening, Chook? Here's the
message. (fowl noises) Bok bok
bok bok. Excuse me. It gets very
lonely in here too. I'll read the
message. "Chook. Got any new
songs? Be at the Hing Nam cafe,
Spring Street, Gunnedah tonight".
The Hing Nam cafe?
CHOOK
The Hing Nam cafe? I don't know
any Chinese songs.
RADIO VOICE
Old Chook is going to be very
busy this weekend. There's a VERY
strong rumour he'll be guesting
at the Workies, supporting the
Oklahoma Outlaw, Hank Henderson -
CHOOK
What?!
HANK
Just a rumour, Chuck. The
publicity machine runs by itself
sometimes, goddamit. We can take
down the posters, can't we,
honey?
CHOOK
POSTERS?
VIKKI
You've got us all wrong, dad,
Hank and me'd be really proud if
you'd play with us.
CHOOK
I wouldn't be. Proud.
VIKKI
So how come being the support act
sticks in your craw? You're
tempted, aren't you?
CHOOK
I'll think about it. Get off my
back and I'll think about it.
VIKKI
We start tonight. You know you
want to do it. Just make up your
mind. You know what I mean?
CHOOK
It is made up. I'm busy tonight.
VIKKI
You'll probably blow us offstage.
You're the local.
CHOOK
Lapsed, Vikki.
CHOOK exits.
Scene 15
1960. Maguire's Hotel.
PEARL staggers in from outside, drunk and spinning out. Clutching the "Chooky and Pearl" record.
PEARL
Oh god, make the room stay still.
Bastard. Probably thought they
grew under cabbages. Bastard.
Treacherous. Bloody. Bastard.
LESTER proffers a glass of water.
LESTER
Don't worry about the guitar.
It'll clean up.
PEARL accidentally drops the record and breaks it.
PEARL
When are they gonna make these
things unbreakable? Hey. There's
a song in that.
She leans on the microphone stand. CHOOK appears opposite, strumming guitar.
PEARL (CONT'D)
Hard times make good music, don'
they?
CHOOK and PEARL duet, in different time/place.
SONG: Creek In Flood
When the clouds are bruised and
swollen
Bedroom's airless and the moths
bang on the lightbulb
40 days and 40 nights of pouring
rain
And warnings from the bureau,
distant news about a car washed
off a causeway
I start to wonder where you are
Come on home, just come on home
If you live by the river, you're
gonna get wet
Take a look up at that floodmark
on the ceiling
Left in 1954. Still it pours
Stock are heading for the high
ground
Nothing for it, gotta let the
horses go
And hope the high ground's high
enough
Come on home, honey, come on home
If you live by the river you're
gonna get wet
can drain the sea
You can tear the bark right off
the tree
You can live in hate and you can
die of love
But only a fool fights a creek in
flood
Trees and cattle foam and fencing
Floating by me as I sit here on
the rooftop
One mistake that's all it takes
That's all it takes
You can say it's in the schooling
You can say the foolishness is in
the blood
When you're up to here in mud
And pouring rain, it's all the
same
If you live by the river, you're
gonna get wet..
END of ACT 1
ACT 2
Scene 1
PEARL
What'll it be, cowboy?
CHOOK
(startled)
Oh. Excuse me.
He removes his hat.
PEARL
Leave it on. I don't care. Those
hats leave a funny mark round
your head, don't they? You ready?
CHOOK
I'm not sure.
PEARL
I've got all night.
CHOOK
I'm waiting for someone.
PEARL
Bus stop's down the road.
CHOOK
I'll have a mixed grill, please.
PEARL
A mixed grill?
CHOOK
Yes, please.
PEARL
Thought you might. How'd you like
it?
CHOOK
Medium, please.
PEARL
One medium mixed grill. Eat here
or take away?
CHOOK
Eat here, plesae.
PEARL
Menthol or plain?
CHOOK
Eh?
PEARL
Anything to drink?
CHOOK
What have you got?
PEARL
It's on there. Coke, Fanta, tea
Chinese and Australian, Nescafe.
CHOOK
I'll have some tea, please.
PEARL
Chinese or Australian?
CHOOK
Ah, Chinese.
PEARL
Devil. That the lot? Will your
friend be eating?
CHOOK
What friend?
PEARL
The one you're waiting for.
CHOOK
Oh. Don't know. Mightn't turn up.
PEARL
It's a tough life.
She exits. Returns with knife, fork, plate with two white slices.
PEARL (CONT'D)
Mixed grill'll be a while. Cook's
night off. Have to slaughter the
ox myself. Have to catch him
first.
They stare at each other.
PEARL (CONT'D)
Chook?
CHOOK
Pearl?
PEARL
Fuck me dead. You, ya bastard.
CHOOK
Shit, eh?
PEARL
Think I'm gonna have a coronary
occasion. Chooky Fowler. Of all
the chinese cafes in all the
world..
CHOOK
Shit, eh?
PEARL
Bloody hell, Chook.
CHOOK
Shit, eh?
PEARL
You could've warned me. What are
you doing here?
CHOOK
What are YOU doing here?
PEARL
I own the place.
CHOOK
You own it?
PEARL
Yeah. Hing Nam's Chinese for
Pearl. Got the place off my third
Chinese husband - Chinese third
husband, when he kicked off.
CHOOK
Oh, I'm sorry.
PEARL
I'm not. I could've wound up with
the laundry, which his sister
got. Bugger running a laundry.
CHOOK
Third husband? You've been busy.
PEARL
Never a dull moment. Yeah, I got
the caff from him, I got a car
from number two, and I got a
depressed fracture of the
cheekbone from number one.
Bastard. Still, mustn't speak ill
of the dead.
CHOOK
They're all dead?
PEARL
Yeah. Although it was hard to
tell with number two. Yeah,
buried three of 'em. They had two
things in common. They all hated
country music and they're all
dead. Musta been my cooking.
Listen, you don't want a mixed
grill.
CHOOK
I don't?
PEARL
You could be number four. The
soup's safe. It's just hot water.
I wave a chicken feather over it.
You still singing?
CHOOK
Not much. Christmas party at the
club. Shower at home. I've got a
job. You?
PEARL
My solo career lasted one night.
I got pissed down at Maguire's,
threw up in Lester's guitar, and
trod on our record. I took it as
a sign. How's Norma?
CHOOK
Fine. OK. We're separated. Three
months ago.
PEARL
Oh I am sorry. What took you so
long?
CHOOK
Vikki's all grown up and left
home. My daughter.
PEARL
Oh right. The bun in Norma's hot
little oven. Pardon me.
CHOOK
She's a singer.
PEARL
Country?
CHOOK
Whatever. You name it, she can
sing it.
PEARL
She versatile or confused?
CHOOK
Mum died. About a year ago.
PEARL
She was a good stick. How's
Horrie?
CHOOK
He's run away. It's not funny!
He's out of his tree. Pretty
tough old coot for 89, and his
legs still work, sort of. But
he's off with the pixies. He's
driving me up the wall, Pearl. I
can't handle him on my own. I'm
going to have to do something
with him, you know? So he's
trying to blackmail me.
PEARL
Is he succeeding?
CHOOK
He's a bloody regional hero!
They're printing "Run Horrie
Run!" T-shirts! At last one
Sydney channel's got a whiff of
it. Offering more money than you
can poke a stick at for the
story.
PEARL
Take it.
CHOOK
Money's not going to help him
now.
PEARL
I used to fancy your old man.
CHOOK
What?
PEARL
He knew it, too. Keep your shirt
on. It was harmless. I fancied
you more.
CHOOK
Anyway..what about this gig or
whatever it is? Not much of a
crowd.
PEARL
Come again?
CHOOK
I heard your thing on the radio.
PEARL
What thing on the radio?
CHOOK
I wasn't expecting you.
PEARL
Oh. You mean that ad. Now I'm
with you. Was that you?
CHOOK
Was what me?
PEARL
On the radio.
CHOOK
I wasn't on the radio.
PEARL
Pull the other one. The ad. "For
Pearl. Lonesome muso.." Pretty
corny, even for you.
CHOOK
I never heard that. I just heard
"Be at the Hing Nam Cafe
tonight".
PEARL
Where'd you hear that?
CHOOK
On the bloody radio.
PEARL
That was on the radio? Hasn't
done much for business. Why would
that be on the radio? I rang and
left my address when I heard your
message, which I didn't know was
yours..
CHOOK
It wasn't mine.
Pause.
CHOOK (CONT'D)
The bastard. He's a bastard,
Pearl!
Scene 2
HORACE enters, with Enid's ashes. He removes his coat and tie, rolls sleeves, surveys the land: site of his lost farm.
SONG: Haunted Hills
(sings)
Took a walk beside the Peel
Dry with dust and cracking mud
Driftwood on a picnic ground
Thrown up by a flood
Just a chimney in a field
Jonquil growing in the hearth
Walls and floor are long since
gone
Underneath the earth
This is familiar country
Lost between the wars
Yankee Doodle and Empire Day
They ride the same old horse
Something buried in the past
Just a ghost with time to kill
Lonesome a the sound of falkling
rain
In the haunted hills
Instrumental plays under.
HORACE
I pulled out the blackberries. I
shot the rabbits. Half the farms
didn't have water. The blocks
were too small. Government
bunnies. The drought of 1919 was
a beauty. No harvest. Carcases
everywhere. Don't like to
complain but, Enid could cook
anything. Good on you, Enid.
Joe's Creek was full of eels.
Song resumes.
This is familiar country
Lost between the wars
Yankee Doodle and Empire Day
They ride the same old horse
These hills are haunted
Memory clears the land
Ghosts of tribal people
Making camp on the river bend
These hills are haunted
Memory clears the land
Ghosts of old time bushman
Only bones beneath the sand
HORACE
I owed the bank twenty five quid.
Neve figured out what it had to
do with them stock exchanges. We
lost the lot between the wars.
Same horse, different rider.
That's what Enid used to say.
He scatters Enid's ashes. Removes his slippers, rolls up trousers..
HORACE (CONT'D)
The creek better not be full of
eels.
HORACE shuffles off.
Reprise chorus.
Scene 3
The on-site auction. HANK bids, ViIKI, beside him, worries. CHOOK and PEARL watch from the sidelines.
AUCTIONEER
..80, 80, I have 85, the bid is
85000. Might as well give it
away.
(HANK bids)
I see you, sir. 90, 000. 95 up
the back.
(HANK bids)
100.
(VIKKI scratches nose)
105. Thankyou madam. 105. 110.
115.
(HANK waves off an
insect)
I see you sir, 120.
In 10 years time this land will
be part of Tamworth proper and
suitable for subdivision.
Although I'm not promising
anything. 125 over there.
(HANK waves at an
insect)
I see you sir, 130. 135.
(Another insect)
140. And 145.
(Another insect)
150.
The insect zeroes in on HANK.
HANK
(waving furiously)
Yah! Get away! Get away!
AUCTIONEER
155. And a very colourful bid it
is, sir. 160. 165.
HANK freezes.
HANK
Get it off me! Get it off me!
AUCTIONEER
170.
CHOOK
Don't move, Hank. It's on the
back of your head. Keep
absolutely still. Get the gun,
Vikki.
HANK
No gun! No gun!
CHOOK
Ha! Got him!
HANK
Jehosophat. What is that?
CHOOK
Christmas beetle. Here.
HANK
No!
CHOOK
It's only a baby. Still, I reckon
it's mum and dad must be round
here somewhere.
AUCTIONEER
I'm waiting on you, sir. Are you
able to continue?
HANK
I just don't like creepy
crawlies, ok? It's a phobia-type
hangup I have.
PEARL
This is prime creepy crawlie
territory. Maybe you should save
your money.
HANK
It's just an investment. Hell, we
ain't gonna live here.
PEARL
Shame.
CHOOK
Pearl.
PEARL
Maybe you oughta take it back to
the states and plonk it down next
to London Bridge and the rest of
your collection.
HANK
Say what? Excuse me?
AUCTIONEER
I have 170,000 dollars. Under the
entomological circumstances I
won't hold you to that bid sir,
but perhaps next time you could
remember the AeroGard.
HANK
The bid stands.
VIKKI
Hank! No. It's too much.
HANK
It's chickenfeed. The bid stands.
AUCTIONEER
170. Any advance on 170? 170
once. 170 twice. Are we all done?
Sold for 170,000 dollars! Your
name, sir?
HANK
Henderson. Hank B. Henderson.
AUCTIONEER
Sold to Mr Hank B. Henderson.
HANK celebrates and moves to complete formalities.
HORACE enters, tattered, scratched, dirty, branches and brambles clinging to him. Feral, wild-eyed, Lear-like. He clutches a small bag made from a handkerchief.
HORACE
(scratching legs)
Bloody eels, Creek was full of
em. I could eat a horse.
CHOOK
Where've you been?
He moves to embrace HORACE.
HORACE
Watch out! Don't squash em!
(the bag)
Christmas Beetles. They do what I
tell them. One never came back.
CHOOK
You bugger. Are you all right?
HORACE
It's a fine piece of land, Norma.
Bit pricey. What's your name
again? Nothing wrong with this
land. I could manage it, Norma,
VIKKI
Yes, yes you could, Granddad.
HORACE
I'll start first thing. G'day
Pearl.
PEARL
G'day Horrie. You're looking
good.
HORACE
Cheeky lass. Is Enid watching?
Congratulations, son. You've got
yourself a good woman. Have you
set the date yet?
He takes CHOOK and PEARL by the hand.
CHOOK
Dad.
HORACE
I'll be there with bells on. Got
a house picked out? I could live
out the back.
CHOOK
Come on, dad. Let's go home.
HORACE
Come on Pearl, shake a leg. We're
going home. Oh! I heard something
on the radio, son.
CHOOK
There have been a lot of things
on the radio lately.
HORACE
You're not playing second fiddle
to them at the Workies, are you?
CHOOK
No, I'm not.
HORACE
I heard it on the radio.
HANK
Just scuttlebutt, Mr Fowler.
HORACE
Talk English, you galoot.
VIKKI
Relax, granddad. Dad's made up
his mind. He's not doing it.
CHOOK
I will, if I get equal billing.
HANK
Say what?
CHOOK
I want equal billing.
HANK
No way, Jose.
CHOOK
I do a minimum 30 minutes. I do
one show only. On the final
night.
HANK
Honey, I don't need this. Honey?
Back me up on this.
CHOOK
And I come on in the middle of
the show, between your sets.
HORACE
He already supported you for 20
years.
VIKKI
I never asked for that. I was an
accident, remember?
CHOOK
A happy one, Vikki, a happy one.
HORACE
Not for Pearl.
PEARL
Don't, Horrie, please.
HORACE
Pearl threw the ring in the
river, Norma. She had to. He had
to do the right thing by her,
Pearl. You're a brave lass. I
looked but I couldn't find the
ring. I've been up and down that
creek a million times. It must've
gone in the flood.
He takes CHOOK and PEARL'S hands again.
HORACE (CONT'D)
Never mind. We'll get you a new
one now. Let's go home. I can
live out the back, can't I?
They exit.
Scene 4
The Tamworth & District Workmen's Club
ANNOUNCER
Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to
the Tamworth & District Workmen's
Club, a major star in the
licenced club firmament! And a
special hello to our out-of-town
visitors - have you tried our
smorgasbord yet? Just before we
get the show on the road: NSF 810
you've left your lights on, you
dill. OK. Ladies and gentlemen!
Tamworth Workies takes great
pleasure in presenting the
hottest country combo seen round
these parts since chickens had
lips, all the way from Elk City
Oklahoma, via Austin Texas,
courtesy of American Express.
Continental Airlines, and the Big
Rooster chain, bringing his lean
mean New Alt Country sound
downunder. a young man who might
soon be calling Tamworth home,
please give a warm Australian
country welcome to the Oklahoma
Outlaw, Mr Hank Henderson!
HANK enters and powers into his highly structured, showbizzy 'mean sexy outlaw' show.
SONG: Stranger In Town
HANK
I don't take too much for granted
I'm a stranger in this town
Faces stare in the hotel bar
Cold as the sun gone down
The map on the seat don't tell me
These old hills look new
I don't recognise the river
And the sky's a different blue
Cause I'm a stranger in this town
Stranger in town, he'll wait for
a train
While the rest of the town,
they're all waiting for rain
The gas stations might be
familiar
Like the songs on the radio
They got chicken here from
Kentucky
But we're all a long way from
home
Cause I'm a stranger in this town
Scene 5
Soft slow instrumental under
The Hing Nam Cafe.
HORACE bathes in an old tank, CHOOK and PEARL slow-dance in the middle of the room.
CHOOK
Got any new songs?
PEARL
Nope. You?
CHOOK
No. Pearl. About tonight. Would
it be ok if I did a couple of our
old numbers?
PEARL
Doesn't worry me.
HORACE
We'll be at the pokies all night
if you play any of that American
stuff. What's wrong with "The
Dying Stockman?"
(sings)
"Wrap me up in me stockwhip and
blanket
And bury me deep down below
Where the dingos and crows won't
molest me
In the shade where the coolibahs
grow.."
You could do "The Dying
Canecutter" and "The Dying
Bagman" too. You know them?
CHOOK
I heard them last time you took a
bath.
PEARL
Are they that old?
HORACE
And "The Dying Harlot."
CHOOK
That one's not for mixed company,
dad.
HORACE
Enid taught it to me.
(sings)
Charlotte the Harlot lay dying -
CHOOK
Dad! You want to write some new
songs, Pearl?
PEARL
What time are you on?
CHOOK
In the future, I mean. With me.
PEARL
I know. There's one problem,
Chook. I'm getting married again
in a couple of weeks.
HORACE
WHAT?
PEARL
We're moving to Western
Australia. To No Tree Hill.
There's no hill either. Out past
Kalgoorlie, on the wrong side of
the rabbit-proof fence. It's not
on the map.
CHOOK
What are you going to do out
there?
PEARL
He's with the mines. So I guess
he's going to dig holes. I'm
going to read and perfect Chinese
damper.
HORACE
West Australia's a hole. What
d'you want to marry this other
fellow for?
CHOOK
Mind your own business.
HORACE
You should've married him in the
first place.
PEARL
Want me to scrub your back?
HORACE
No! Get away, get away. Children.
Better off with a dog.
(scratches)
Bloody eels.
CHOOK
We could do it by correspondence.
Write songs.
PEARL
You reckon?
CHOOK
Done it before. Remember Town and
Country Waltz?
(sings)
Don't give your heart to a man
who can't make up his mind..
PEARL
Oh, Chooky. Sorry about that one.
CHOOK
It's a bloody good song. Might do
it tonight. You interested in
getting up and doing it with me?
PEARL
I was pretty dark at you. You and
Norma and Hank Williams.
CHOOK
(sings)
Take these chains from my heart
and set me free..
PEARL
I still don't think he's country.
CHOOK
So how about it? Write songs by
long distance. It's easier these
days.
PEARL
Shake.
CHOOK
What're you going to do with this
place?
PEARL
Don't know. You want it?
HORACE
I could live out the back.
CHOOK
What would I do with it?
PEARL
Open a club. The first Chinese
Country Music Cafe in New
England.
HORACE
I was a barman once. I was a good
barman. I could pull a Chinese
beer.
CHOOK
Don't get your hopes up. After
tonight, we're going home.
HORACE
He's having me put down, Pearl.
He's putting me away and Matron's
going to sneak in one night and
give me the big needle.
CHOOK
Button it, dad.
HORACE
Can I come to Western Australia?
He's going to put me away. He's
made up his mind.
CHOOK
Isn't that water cold yet?
HORACE
I like it cold.
(sings)
And when you go, don't leave a
note
It's written all over your face
CHOOK displays his new cowboy boots.
CHOOK
What do you think?
PEARL
They match your horse. Bust into
Roy Rogers' grave, did you?
CHOOK
Do I look all right? What about
my hair?
PEARL
Keep your hat on. Or don't bow.
She straightens his string tie.
CHOOK
How about doing this show with
me?
PEARL
No thanks. I don't think me and
Vikki's cowboy see eye to eye.
All that razzamattaz is not quite
my speed. You know that.
CHOOK
Hank's harmless. Long as you
don't take any notice of him. And
they are doing me a favour.
PEARL
No. You're doing them one.
CHOOK
We'd be good, Pearl.
PEARL
No. Maguire's was enough. Leave
it there.
CHOOK
Just a couple of songs? A couple
of our old ones?
PEARL
In between your Willie Nelson and
your Hank Williams medleys? Hank
Henderson brings you a pair of
genuine stuffed locals. See them
before they disappear.
CHOOK
Hell's bells. One show won't hurt
you!
PEARL
I'm greedy. I live here. I want
more than equal billing in my own
back yard. You're on your own
tonight, mate.
CHOOK
(to HORACE)
The car leaves in ten minutes.
CHOOK exits. PEARL exits opposite. HORACE stands in the bath, looks around, furtive.
CHOOK (CONT'D)
And don't get any bright ideas
about running off again, all
right!
Scene 6
The Tamworth & District Workmen's Club
HANK
It sure as hell is a pleasure
being here in Tamworth, folks.
Yeah. Soon as I saw you had a
prison here, the Outlaw felt
right at home. Now any of you
remember "Chooky" Fowler, one of
your local country music pioneers
from the fabulous '50s? Neither
do I. Ha! Well, in a short while
that ole prodigal boy Chooky
returns to Tamworth as special
guest of the Hank Henderson Band.
Meantime, say howdy to Chooky's
daughter - born in back of the
Blue Dogs' ranchwagon - making
her Australian debut with the
Hank Henderson Band, singing a
song she wrote herself, the
Outlaw's sweetheart, Miss Vikki
Fowler!
SONG: Waste Of Time and Tears
VIKKI
When I was 10, I wore a cowgirl
suit
With an Annie Oakley badge like a
star
And I didn't know what my mother
really meant
By a woman needs some iron in her
heart
When I was 16, my father said to
me
Honey, I don't know much about
girls
I was only taught what it means
to be a man
It means the last tear I cry will
be my first
It's a waste of time and a waste
of tears
When you don't really know what
you want
It's a waste of time and a waste
of tears
When you don't really find what
you need
I never forgot the words you told
me
They're under my skin and on my
mind
When I left home I drove my
bargain hard
I said Goodbye folks, I'm out to
get what's mine
Now I'm not so sure if goodbye's
too strong a word
Because you're under my skin and
on my mind
It's a waste of time and a waste
of tears
When you don't really know what
you want
It's a waste of time and a waste
of tears
When you don't really find what
you need
HANK joins VIKKI.
HANK
Ain't that a pretty little song,
folks? Now Vikki, I understand
it's been a while since your
daddy played round these parts.
VIKKI
Yes, Hank. But he never forgot
his real home. He just took time
off to raise a family, that's
all.
HANK
From where I'm standing, it looks
like time well spent. Nice one,
Chook. All right, Tamworth,
please welcome back after too
many years, special guest of the
Hank Henderson Band, the Oklahoma
Outlaw's In-law, your very own Mr
Chooky Fowler!
CHOOK does not appear. VIKKI goes sidestage.
HANK (CONT'D)
Seems like Chook's a mite gun shy
after all this time. How about
you make that good old boy feel
extra welcome, all right?
PEARL and HORACE appear sidestage. VIKKI signals.
HANK (CONT'D)
Slippery varmint, ain't he?
VOICES (OFF)
Chook? Chook!HANK moves sidestage.
HANK
Chook! You get your ass out here
right now, y'hear? Be right with
you, folks.
(muted)
What in hell kinda shit's goin'
down here?
HORACE shuffles onstage, with CHOOK's cowboy boots. PEARL checks the boots.
PEARL
Worst case of stagefright I ever
saw. Leapt clean out.
HORACE
He's done a runner! He's a
bastard, Pearl.
Scene 7
Maguire's Hotel. That same night.
CHOOK wanders onstage with guitar. No boots.
CHOOK
Ah, thanks for letting me get up
tonight, unexpected. Place looks
different since I was here last.
Smells the same. Could be because
Lester's still here. Lester's got
an ingrown barstool. Any of you
at the Workies a bit earlier?
Sorry. Left in a hurry, Had a few
people on my back. Had some boots
on earlier too. They didn't suit
me. This is one of the few places
in town where you can make a
decent comeback in your socks.
They say I'm not a country boy
any more. They're probably right.
But maybe they're wrong.
SONG: Salt Of The Earth
(sings)
They say I'm not a country boy no
more
They say I've travelled far away
too far
A hundred miles of dusty road
A thousand miles of tar
They say I'm not a country boy no
more
But I still can tell the salt of
the earth
for the boss
She's the one who can't find
money for the house
The one whose kids are screaming
The one whose car breaks down
The one who knows exactly what
it's worth
The bitter taste of salt of the
earth
your doubting
And find that you really feel at
home
And now and then you get to meet
the salt of the earth
more
They say I've travelled far away
too far
Working for a living
Scratching for my life
They say I'm not a country boy no
more
But I still can tell the salt of
the earth
He's the one..etc
And it's never too late..etc
HANK enters, partway through CHOOK'S song. VIKKI trails.
HANK
I oughta bust your ass, Fowler.
You're crooked as a barrel full
of snakes.
CHOOK
Fair enough.
HANK
Goddammit, not even the good Lord
himself'd say I oughtn't to bust
your ass.
VIKKI
Hank.
HANK
Where in hell d'you get off,
sabotaging my show?
VIKKI
Hank. Handle it.
HANK
I oughta bust his ass, honey.
VIKKI
Handle it, Hank.
HANK
Only should've known you'd turn
chicken, Chook.
VIKKI
He didn't turn chicken.
HANK
There's a real strong aroma of
feathers in this room.
VIKKI
HANK!
CHOOK
Excuse us a minute. Family.
VIKKI
You could've warned us.
CHOOK
It was a snap decision. Based on
thirty years consideration. I
just had to get the hell out of
there.
HANK
What is this place anyway? There
was over a thousand good people
back there. You'd rather be
playing in a swamp to thirty
drunken bums? You can't soar like
an eagle if you fly with turkeys.
HORACE enters.
HORACE
What about the wheat subsidies?
When're you going to get rid of
the wheat subsidies? And what
about the beef quotas? And the
butter mountains, you bludgers!
You know what a butter mountain
is?
HANK
For god's sake, it's a mountain
of butter? - hell, that ain't
us, pops!
HORACE
One swallow doesn't make a
summer. You were late for two
world wars!
CHOOK
Dad.
HORACE
Who killed Phar Lap, eh? Who
pinched Malcolm Fraser's pants?
Who gave me these boots?
HANK
Goddammit, will you all just GET
OFF MY CASE? Hell, even your
wildlife's got a chip on its
shoulder. And I'm gonna write a
song about it. I'm gonna record
me a song about this past week.
I'm gonna call that song
"Christmas In Hell" or maybe
"Ballad Of A Sucker". So all you
Aussies can have a big laugh. And
you know what else? You're all
gonna queue up and buy that
record in bucketloads. Yessir,
you can keep moanin' and blamin'
and complainin' about me and
mine, but you're still gonna buy
it in buckets. So who's the
sucker? Now if you folks'll
excuse us, we got a plane to
catch.
CHOOK
You going already?
VIKKI
Early connection.
HORACE
See you next Christmas.
VIKKI
You should never have stopped
singing.
CHOOK
It was the done thing. You look
after her, son.
HANK
Let's go honey.
VIKKI
A couple more minutes won't hurt.
Finish the song.
CHOOK completes "Salt Of The Earth".
Scene 8
Outside the Hing Nam Cafe. CHOOK loads the car. HORACE finishes a bowl of soup. PEARL brings CHOOK'S new cowboy boots.
PEARL
What about these?
CHOOK
They're all yours. Put em on your
mantlepiece. Souvenir.
PEARL
I'll give them to the Smith
Family. Sure you don't want the
caff?
CHOOK
No thanks, Pearl.
HORACE
Country's gone to the goats.
CHOOK
Come on. Bolt that down and get
in the car.
HORACE
What is this stuff?
PEARL
Combination soup.
HORACE
Combination of dead horse and
town water.
He pours it on the ground.
CHOOK
In the car.
HORACE
Maguire's said they'd have him
back next year.
He can scatter my ashes in the
carpark. If he's got time.
PEARL
Goodbye, Horrie. Take care.
HORACE
What if number four pops off too?
PEARL
You'll be the first to know.
HORACE sneers at CHOOK as he gets in the car.
PEARL (CONT'D)
Don't forget to write.
CHOOK produces a CD from his pocket.
CHOOK
Here's a couple of tunes to go
on. One thing. No songs about the
good old days.
PEARL
No songs about good old boys and
honky tonks either.
CHOOK
Get yourself a good horse and a
notebook. Put No Tree Hill on the
map.
PEARL
Going to stay in Sydney?
CHOOK
Might sell the house. Buy a
caravan.
PEARL
Sounds good.
CHOOK
Not just yet.
PEARL
Him? Or Norma?
CHOOK
Unfinished business.
PEARL
Will it ever be finished? Oh
Chooky, you're a silly old
bastard.
CHOOK
Maybe next year,
CHOOK and PEARL embrace.
SONG: Common Touch
PEARL
The lie of the land
The creak of the windmill
The cockatoos wheeling in the sky
Hearing the rain on an iron roof
It doesn't seem like much
It doesn't seem that much
The bird's on the wire
The cat's in the window
The radio's playing down the
beach
Getting a haircut in the morning
sun
It doesn't seem like much
It doesn't seem that much
The town and the country
The soft and the hard hearts
I'm writing a letter to a friend
I'm hoping it's sealed with some
heart and soul
It doesn't seem like much
It doesn't seem that much
It doesn't cost that much
It's just the common touch
THE END