HEAVEN and HELL
by Tim Gooding
PART 1: HEAVEN
Characters
The Lovers:
CHRISTINE (1995-2019)
CHRISTOPHER (1993-2019)
The Children:
PETER (2011-2019)
JULIET (2012-2019)
Prologue
(i)
Darkness. Silence.
A church bell tolls.
As a comet travels slowly across the night sky.
Followed by the sound of rain.
And music: “Me and the Devil Blues” - Robert Johnson.
ROBERT JOHNSON
Early this morning, when you knocked upon my door
I said, Hello Satan, I believe it’s time to go..
CHRISTOPHER and CHRISTINE occupy the front bench seat of a middle-aged car. He drives, she sleeps on his shoulder. He is dark, she fair. Both dressed in white. Wedding white.
CHRISTOPHER sings along with Robert Johnson, after a fashion. Singing is not his forte.
ROBERT JOHNSON (CONT’D)
Me and the devil, was walking side by side
Me and the devil..
The windscreen wipers begin to malfunction. Aggravated, CHRISTOPHER turns off Robert Johnson. Then peers up close to the windscreen, reaches out the window, hand-wipes.
Something else - internal - troubles him more than the wipers. He stares grimly at the rain and road ahead.
Before deliberately jerking the steering wheel. The car swerves. Wet tyres slide. He corrects. Looks to CHRISTINE. She remains asleep.
A beat or two.
CHRISTOPHER once more swerves the car. Waits longer before correcting. Looks to CHRISTINE. She remains asleep.
The dangerous notion nags as CHRISTOPHER drives on.
Once more gazing at sleeping CHRISTINE, he then leans over to kiss her. As he does so the steering wheel turns, dangerously.
Blackout.
(ii)
A church bell tolls. Followed by the slow-spreading pink-blue light of early morning.
JULIET finds a shell in the sand and shows it to PETER. He takes the shell then refuses to return it, laughing, holding it out of her reach.
Until JULIET suddenly points skyward and screams in terror. PETER stares upward. But sees nothing.
The children run excitedly into the sea.
(iii)
Church bells peal, loudly, and long.
A circular beam of white light - a white tunnel - appears. CHRISTOPHER and CHRISTINE, hands held, walk down the tunnel.
CHRISTINE
We kissed. The antique Valiant left the road
Whence passing found us wand’ring in a garden
Like that which God on Adam once bestowed
CHRISTOPHER
Fourfold streams ran through this second Eden
To feed a fountain centred in a pond
Amid such perfumed beauty as to pardon
CHRISTINE
Intoxicated slowness to respond
When by an iron gate, a figure stood
And beckoned us to go with it beyond
CHRISTOPHER
Whoever it was, wherever we were, was good.
The couple turn, walk away, disappear as the light is extinguished.
Scene 1
The darkness disperses to reveal the partial interior of a Gothic cathedral. Under restoration. Or is it demolition? Erratic scaffolding reaches to the roof and belltower. The sky is visible through large fissures in the vaulting.
An incomplete Rose Window - or Wheel? - dominates the apse. Stained glass, incomplete, floods the interior with colour. Human figures depicted in the glass represent Art, Science, History, and Religion.
The choral group comprises COLETTE, JERRY, GRACE, and ALASTAIR, who conducts as he sings.
COLETTE - artist - wears a vintage oriental dressing gown.
JERRY - physicist - a bespoke futuristic suit.
GRACE - historian - multi-pocketed desert khaki.
ALASTAIR - churchman - clerical day wear.
Or along those lines.
ALASTAIR is first to note Christine and Christopher wandering outside. The others join the observation while they sing. At the song’s conclusion, ALASTAIR nods approval.
ALASTAIR
Approaching perfection. Not yet there, but en route. Better lies ahead. Always. We have newcomers.
As observation continues..the silence is broken by the beat of pigeons circling within the cathedral.
GRACE
They are terribly young.
JERRY
Car.
ALASTAIR
Young and in love. See? They tarry by each bloom, butterfly, and bird.
COLETTE
Were you ever in love, Alastair? In the earthly sense?
ALASTAIR smiles.
COLETTE (CONT’D)
Did she have a name?
ALASTAIR
Catherine.
COLETTE
And?
ALASTAIR
Catherine was a novice. We crossed paths outside chapel.
COLETTE
Often?
ALASTAIR
Enough. A rose devoid of thorns, she was. Her face glowed, the wisdom of ages was in her eyes. The purest green.
GRACE
Did she know? That you were in love with her?
ALASTAIR
Oh no. Certainly not.
COLETTE
It’s better that way.
ALASTAIR
She was married to Christ, was she not? Or engaged, should I say.
GRACE
What is that? That dark patch.
She indicates a discolouration upon high stonework.
ALASTAIR
Have we not noticed this discolouration before?
COLETTE
It is new. I am convinced it is new.
CHRISTOPHER and CHRISTINE, bearing new-picked flowers, enter. They wait to be noticed.
ALASTAIR
A discolouration may be many, many things. What do we think?
JERRY
Damp. Nature seeks out weakness.
GRACE
A spill. A stain. Evidence of a small historic event.
COLETTE
An attractive abstract form. Its medium, irrelevant.
ALASTAIR
A blemish, of purpose to be revealed.
He notices the newcomers.
CHRISTINE
Excuse us. We saw a light.
ALASTAIR
Welcome, welcome.
CHRISTOPHER
This isn’t Byron Bay, is it?
JERRY
It is far superior to Byron.
GRACE
Far, far superior.
COLETTE
Here cannot be surpassed.
ALASTAIR
We gild the lily? We must beware belief born of vanity.
CHRISTINE
I picked some flowers. I hope that’s all right.
ALASTAIR
They grow back as we speak. Moreso, perhaps, as we sing.
CHRISTINE
You sing beautifully.
ALASTAIR
Music is beauty. We are but instruments. Range?
CHRISTINE
I’m sorry?
ALASTAIR
We have been hoping for the arrival of a mezzo-soprano. Hoping most fervently.
ALASTAIR gives CHRISTINE a starting note..
ALASTAIR (CONT’D)
Your note?
..and tests her vocal range. Overcoming initial surprise, she sings confidently. And is indeed a mezzo-soprano.
ALASTAIR (CONT’D)
Our prayers have been answered. Is it a hope too far that we have been sent our baritone as well?
CHRISTOPHER
You have been sent your goldfish. The mouth is permitted to move but no sound shall issue forth. Failure to goldfish shall lead to ruination of the school song. Quoth the choirmistress. A scarring experience. I can’t sing.
ALASTAIR
We believe that if will exists, capability follows.
CHRISTOPHER
I manage an approximation of the blues when no-one is listening. It sounds pain-filled but bluesy in my mind.
ALASTAIR
Singing comes not from the mind but from here.
He pats CHRISTOPHER in the region of the heart.
CHRISTOPHER
It has been said by unkind people that I have been given the heart of a goldfish to match the voice.
ALASTAIR gives CHRISTOPHER a note.
CHRISTOPHER (CONT’D)
Perhaps I could manage the band instead?
ALASTAIR repeats the note.
CHRISTOPHER (CONT’D)
I can’t sing.
ALASTAIR
We believe you can. All you need is to believe it too.
CHRISTOPHER
I know I can’t.
ALASTAIR
Knowing may be a barrier to belief.
ALASTAIR repeats the note. CHRISTOPHER’S discomfort is excruciating.
CHRISTOPHER
I can speak.
ALASTAIR
Quiewt now. Close your eyes. Close. Close.
CHRISTOPHER
I can speak at length. In verse, if necessary.
CHRISTINE
Shut up, Chris?
ALASTAIR
Relax. Breathe. Good. Now as you breathe, feel your chest open up..inside..
He pats CHRISTOPHER’S chest. Gives him the note.
CHRISTOPHER responds. Weakly.
ALASTAIR (CONT’D)
Your gifts may lie elsewhere. Be not downhearted.
CHRISTOPHER
I be not.
ALASTAIR
“If you cannot sing like the nightingale and the lark, then sing like the crows and the frogs, which sing as God meant them”. The good Thomas à Kempis made no mention of goldfish.
Pause.
CHRISTOPHER
So. Here we are. Wherever here is. This is everyone?
COLETTE
Attendances decline.
ALASTAIR
We would dearly love a boy soprano.
The shrill beep of a digital alarm prompts JERRY to adjust a control button on his suit, which seamlessly incorporates a digital comms system. Whence JERRY roams, dictating cheerily.
JERRY
(dictating)
I experienced turbulence in the passing over. From ambulance to white tunnel to pastoral vision, it was a bumpy ride. But, in the end, worth every discomfort.
ALASTAIR
We’ll take a break, shall we?
JERRY
(dictating)
Exactly where I have landed, I can’t be sure. Opinion is divided. We are agreed it could not be more pleasant.
JERRY climbs scaffolding to the bell tower.
Disturbed pigeons to take to the air in an audible flurry.
CHRISTOPHER and CHRISTINE take in their surroundings.
GRACE
We restore such as we can. We lack the Gothic labour supply.
ALASTAIR
We find ourselves in the church of an unknown saint. We are agreed that wherever we are, it is good.
JERRY
(dictating)
A large formal garden surrounds the cathedral, bounded by a high stone wall. Beyond which I see green fields and rolling hills. The fields appear perfectly mown, the woods trimmed. The effect is of a well-watered golf course stretching to the horizon. My father was an enthusiastic golfer, I am told. A single winding road cuts through the countryside and disappears over the rim of the world. From my tower, I glimpse an identical tower on an identical hill. I see no sign of my father. Early days. Will I know him? I remember only a photograph. Everything is possible.
ALASTAIR
Jerry may seem a horse of a different colour, shall we say, but he remains a believer, not a doubter.
GRACE
The range of acceptable beliefs has widened since the twelfth century.
CHRISTOPHER
Well, thank god for that.
Attention returns to the discoloured stonework.
GRACE
It seems to be spreading. Is it? Spreading?
ALASTAIR
Is it spreading?
COLETTE
Is it spreading?
JERRY
Is it spreading? It’s damp. Damp spreads.
ALASTAIR
The north wall. Side of cold and darkness. The profane were buried north of the church. The south: Enlightenment. Goodness. The west: History. Judgement. The east: the Head of the Church. The Lord’s geometry, reflected in the cathedral plan.
GRACE
Gothic socialism is preserved in stone. A mediaeval mutuality of masons, carpenters, plasterers, smiths, glaziers, painters, labour for the common good.
COLETTE
Perhaps we might allow our friends to settle in before we evangelise?
GRACE moves to a corner she is excavating. Antique bric-a-brac - a sandal, spoon, plate - lies scattered nearby.
GRACE
A worker’s sandal? The spoon with which he supped? His dinner plate? Secular relics.
ALASTAIR
Of the spiritual imperative.
GRACE
The sustaining fantasy of the time. History has its winters.
ALASTAIR
Decline begins with sponsors demanding greater window space.
GRACE
Piety becomes advertising. Competition corrupts.
COLETTE
Perhaps we might allow our friends to settle in before we evangelise?
GRACE
No God. No master. The best in human nature will out. Progress is struggle. Struggle is progress. To be on the right side of history is to live forever.
COLETTE
Allow our friends to settle in?
JERRY
Life is too short!
In the belltower, JERRY rings the great bell, once.
The pigeons again beat a path overhead.
COLETTE
The quarter hour.
ALASTAIR places binoculars round his neck, collects the bicycle..
ALASTAIR
The garden glories in birdsong at this time of year.
..and cycles outside. As GRACE returns to her excavation.
COLETTE
Your window awaits.
COLETTE indicates an empty window space.
CHRISTINE
Is that for us?
COLETTE
You will sit?
CHRISTOPHER
The stained glass is yours?
CHRISTINE
It’s exquisite.
COLETTE
Beauty need not be a retreat. Even broken beauty. You will sit? Now?
CHRISTOPHER
I have never mastered sitting still.
COLETTE
Hope springs eternal.
COLETTE (CONT’D)
Suivez-moi.
She ushers them to a corner studio..
CHRISTINE
We’d love to.
CHRISTOPHER
We’d love to.
..where she unfurls a painted "Garden Paradise" backdrop, centre of which is an octagonal fountain from which four streams bubble north, south, east, west.
COLETTE
So. Car?
CHRISTOPHER
North of Grafton.
COLETTE positions CHRISTOPHER/CHRISTINE before the backdrop.
COLETTE
You are The Lovers.
CHRISTOPHER
We were kissing.
CHRISTINE
While I was asleep.
COLETTE commences preliminary sketching.
CHRISTOPHER
I felt an irresistible urge to osculate, which prompted the car to do something really stupid.
Dissatisfied, COLETTE frequently adjusts their positioning.
CHRISTINE
We were on our way to Byron. To be married. It was hailed as a miracle.
CHRISTOPHER
If we’d rushed into things, you’d never have been Miss Southern Beach Girl. Nor appeared in toothpaste commercials.
CHRISTINE
And you’d be short of material to steal for your novel.
As ALASTAIR pedals in..
CHRISTINE (CONT’D)
North of Grafton. So close! We were so close to getting married!
ALASTAIR
Why, of course! Of course! You must marry here. You will marry here! Our young ones will marry here!
GRACE/COLETTE
Congratulations! How wonderful!
JERRY
(in tower)
Congratulations!
ALASTAIR
I may be a trifle rusty on the service but we will muddle through.
CHRISTOPHER
The ring is still in the glovebox.
CHRISTINE
I don’t need a ring.
ALASTAIR
All you need is yourselves.
CHRISTOPHER
Rob was going to be in Byron.
CHRISTINE
Rob was every chance to hock the ring and end up with an ambo jumping on his chest. Sweet boy though he is. Do you really need a Best Man?
ALASTAIR
May I? Have the honour?
JERRY
Or me?!
ALASTAIR
Jerry possesses extraordinary hearing.
JERRY
Quantum amplification!
CHRISTINE
I don’t need bridesmaids. And I have the bouquet.
ALASTAIR
Are we decided?
CHRISTINE
Are we?
CHRISTOPHER
Are you?
CHRISTINE
Yes. I am.
CHRISTOPHER
I am too. Yes.
They kiss.
ALASTAIR
Splendid. This is most exciting. Shall we gather in an hour’s time? I must brush up. I last performed the marriage ceremony in 1968. In Vietnam of all places.
CHRISTOPHER
Will an hour give you enough time?
ALASTAIR
An hour will be plenty, my boy. You just relax. This is most exciting.
As ALASTAIR cycles off again.
ALASTAIR (CONT’D)
The garden glories in birdsong at this time of year.
GRACE peruses the ‘damp’ discolouration..
GRACE
It spreads. Chartres was rebuilt six times. Salvation lay in good workmanship.
..then returns to her excavation. COLETTE resumes sketching CHRISTINE and CHRISTOPHER. JERRY climbs down into sight.
JERRY
A thought on time dilation. Approaching the speed of light, time becomes elastic. Life may no longer be too short.
COLETTE
Jerry! Tais-toi! I work! I work!
JERRY
When my father was a boy and domestic fireworks legal, I am told he blasted bull-ants into the atmosphere inside the nose cones of sixpenny skyrockets, and delighted in the knowledge that upon return, although burnt to a crisp, his astronaut ants had aged fractionally less than control ants who stayed on earth in a Vegemite jar.
COLETTE
Merde! Jerry has not had a single thought which he has not digitally shared. Jerry! Merde - !
Agitation sees COLETTE wracked by tubercular coughing.
JERRY
Why are tuberculosis and art always connected?
GRACE
Poverty!
COLETTE
Jerry forever seeks explanation. I avoid it. We agree to disagree.
JERRY disappears into the tower again.
COLETTE (CONT’D)
You do not look relaxed, Monsieur. Relax. Relax.
CHRISTOPHER
I am relaxed. I’m relaxed.
COLETTE
Do not worry. I modelled for the Cubists. I know how it feels to be misrepresented. You should have seen what Braque did to me. With affection. I sat for them all, dear. I use the term ‘sat’ loosely. They made me art. Only Modigliani made me look beautiful. We go on in the beauty we leave behind.
CHRISTOPHER
When was this? If it’s not rude to ask?
COLETTE
It is. Rude to ask. You are cold?
She deploys an antique one-bar radiator. Endures another coughing spasm. Before pouring/offering a glass of absinthe.
CHRISTINE
No, thanks.
CHRISTOPHER
I don’t drink.
COLETTE
One little drink will not hurt you.
CHRISTOPHER
One little drink will not be enough.
COLETTE
I have opium. Alastair does not approve. It relaxes the lungs. You would like a pipe?
CHRISTOPHER
I don’t smoke either. Maybe I could passively inhale a little?
CHRISTINE
You don’t need my permission.
COLETTE downs a drink and resumes sketching.
COLETTE
Modi proved decorative. And doomed. And obsessed with his beloved Jeanne. And I met Guillaume. Gaze into each other’s eyes, please. Tell me about yourselves.
CHRISTOPHER
I’m a discontinued arts student turned psych nurse, retrenched, cum career barman until I lose my looks for gay men, when I intend obtaining a licence to drive a nursing home bus.
CHRISTINE
Chris is collecting material.
COLETTE
Please keep still.
CHRISTINE
I am..what am I, Chris? A wannabee shoe designer. Fashion shoes. Turned dark muse. I’m Karen in his novel.
CHRISTOPHER
She isn’t only you.
CHRISTINE
He rolled us all into one.
COLETTE
Please keep still.
CHRISTINE
We partnered up in school, drifted apart afterwards. Chris needed to experience diversity.
CHRISTOPHER
I wasn’t the only one.
CHRISTINE
A single lapse in taste. Way different to widespread experimentation.
CHRISTOPHER
A single published lapse in taste. Shortlisted for the Miles Franklin.
CHRISTINE
And a cool car.
CHRISTOPHER
Which was stolen and torched, wasn’t it?
CHRISTINE
At Wanda. Behind our favourite dune. I love the endlessness of Wanda. Loved. Did love. Past tense.
CHRISTOPHER
Chrissie?
CHRISTINE
Wanda was where Chris felt the lump. They gave me six months. The chemo made me sick and didn’t work. We decided to get married.
COLETTE
Bravo. Bon courage.
CHRISTINE
I actually felt the tumour start to diminish the moment we said “yes”. Negativity is the disease. I knew I could beat it.
JERRY reappears, excited, from the tower.
JERRY
They have identified the problematic chromosome. As suspected, on my father’s side. Just before dying, in a declaration of positivity, he fathered me.
COLETTE
He intends going back, our Jerry. He has himself stored in a fridge in Surry Hills.
JERRY
A cryogenic facility. You will miss me when I’m gone.
COLETTE
You will be back.
JERRY
Everything is possible. Once the chromosome patch is installed and I have fathered as many progeny with as many partners as possible, so upping the evolutionary odds, I will re-consider mortality. I have long fancied Colette as a mother but she resists reproduction.
COLETTE
Art is an only child. And I a single parent. A whiz-bang rendered Guillaume abstract at Verdun.
JERRY
Our molecules may no longer resemble us, but they remain.
CHRISTINE
I would like a boy and a girl.
COLETTE
Christopher? This way, please?
CHRISTOPHER
Breaking news?
COLETTE
This way, Christopher?
CHRISTINE
A passing thought.
JERRY ascends the tower once more..
JERRY
Life is too short!
..and rings the bell, twice. The pigeons again beat their path overhead.
CHRISTINE
May I?
CHRISTINE peruses COLETTE’S sketch. And is surprised.
CHRISTINE (CONT’D)
Oh. Chris?
CHRISTOPHER
Ah.
COLETTE
I took the liberty of disrobing you.
CHRISTOPHER
We’re going up there in the window naked?
COLETTE
Adam and Eve before The Fall. What is clothing but the knowledge of good and evil? We will continue?
CHRISTOPHER and CHRISTINE resume positions.
The light becomes grey, shadowy, as though the sun moves behind cloud.
Followed by puzzling sound, from above: intermittent beats on the roof, heavier and more dispersed than rain.
GRACE holds out her hand. It remains dry. She checks the state of the ‘damp’.
GRACE
It grows. Whatever it is.
COLETTE
It grows -
A fish falls through the roof, narrowly missing CHRISTOPHER.
CHRISTOPHER
Shit - !
COLETTE
It is nothing. Nothing. Please keep still?
A second fish falls.
GRACE
It rains all manner of things here.
A rain of fish, if not visible, is audible on the roof.
JERRY
Waterspouts! Rapid circular motion of air, deep low pressure, pfft, up they go. Fish, frogs, snails, nematodes.
CHRISTOPHER
Dorothy.
JERRY
Until nature plays the Newton card.
The rain of fish ceases. They approach one particular fallen fish.
GRACE
My stars. This is new.
COLETTE
Merde alors.
GRACE
A fish with two heads.
JERRY
A fish with two heads.
COLETTE
A fish with two heads.
GRACE
Birth of freaks. A traditional portent in the Gothic mind.
JERRY
Nature is a long odds punter.
COLETTE
Dali. Salvador. I sat for them all.
CHRISTINE reaches to touch the fish. It appears to move.
CHRISTINE
It’s alive! Is it?
JERRY
A final electrochemical reflex?
CHRISTINE fetches a vessel of water.
JERRY (CONT’D)
Or life?
GRACE
Life.
COLETTE
Life.
JERRY
Life.
CHRISTINE
Water.
CHRISTINE places the fish in the water. Moves it round.
CHRISTINE (CONT’D)
Swim, fish.
CHRISTOPHER
A thirteenth century chronicle records a ten pound cod missing Emperor Frederick II by inches. Frederick was thought by many to be the AntiChrist. A notion confirmed by what appeared a divine assassination attempt.
CHRISTINE
Swim, fish. Swim.
GRACE
The tail wagged!
COLETTE
Là! Là!
JERRY
Yes! Swim, fish!
ALASTAIR returns. With a flat tyre.
ALASTAIR
I have a puncture. A nice slow one. The tyre remains half full.
His bicycle basket is full of fish.
ALASTAIR (CONT’D)
Surely a sign.
CHRISTINE displays the vessel containing the fish.
COLETTE
Two heads.
ALASTAIR
Good Lord. Two heads. My word. Wonderful. Wonderful. Faith must be tested. What do we think?
JERRY
Piscatorial progress. Nature eschewing incremental change to evolve in giant leaps.
GRACE
Mutuality. Co-operation. Socialism.
COLETTE
Beauty in cruelty.
ALASTAIR
Christine?
CHRISTINE
The will to live.
ALASTAIR
Christopher?
CHRISTOPHER
Forever in two minds.
Beat.
CHRISTINE
And yet?
CHRISTOPHER
Yet moving forward. Fake it till you make it.
CHRISTINE
Hope, is what Christopher is trying to say.
CHRISTOPHER
You know me too well. Yes. Hope.
ALASTAIR
Hope. Marvellous, my boy. As for myself? Ichthus. Iesous Christos Theou Huios Soter. Fish, in the Greek. Acronym for Jesus Christ, Son of God, Saviour. Drawn on catacomb walls. Multiplied in a Biblical miracle. The disciples? Fishers of men. A fish the sign of Peter, the gatekeeper. The Fisherman’s Ring worn by his papal successors. The baptismal font: la piscina, “the fishpond”. Converts: pisciculi, “little fishes”. A bounty of hopeful signs. All undoubtedly good.
CHRISTOPHER
Our two-faced fish has no problem navigating.
COLETTE
It agrees with itself.
GRACE
Or agrees to disagree.
JERRY
Or both.
ALASTAIR
So to live in harmony.
CHRISTOPHER
Pop it in the pan? For the wedding feast?
CHRISTINE
He can’t help himself.
CHRISTOPHER
We have to give it a name so we won’t eat it. I can’t help myself. Pisces? I can’t help myself.
CHRISTINE
The fountain?
ALASTAIR
Perfect.
CHRISTOPHER
Janus? Comedy and tragedy?
CHRISTINE and CHRISTOPHER exit with the fish. JERRY climbs into the tower.
GRACE
I have something exciting to show you.
ALASTAIR, COLETTE follow GRACE to her excavation..from which soil she gently lifts an old wooden wheel.
GRACE (CONT’D)
A wheel.
ALASTAIR
A wheel.
GRACE
Indoors.
ALASTAIR
Indoors.
GRACE
Indoors! A wheel indoors!
Scene 2
CHRISTINE and CHRISTOPHER enter The Garden, identical to COLETTE’S Paradise backdrop: octagonal fountain, centre, from which four streams bubble..
Bird song mingles with the sound of water.
CHRISTINE
So beautiful. This is so beautiful, Chris.
She releases the fish into the fountain base.
CHRISTINE (CONT’D)
Off you go.
CHRISTINE and CHRISTOPHER watch the fish explore..
CHRISTINE (CONT’D)
Yes, yes, it’s exciting, isn’t it?
CHRISTOPHER
It won’t get lonely.
..before, hand in hand, investigating the garden. Exulting in the beauty, the floral perfume.
CHRISTINE
Oh. How glorious is that scent?
CHRISTOPHER
I’m drunk on it. Without busting.
CHRISTINE
Look. Look, Chris.
CHRISTINE observes a bird, hovering amid the flowers.
CHRISTINE (CONT’D)
Oh, you beautiful thing.
She extends a hand to the bird.
CHRISTINE (CONT’D)
You’re not scared of me, are you? You beautiful beautiful thing. Fly!
The bird flies.
CHRISTINE (CONT’D)
I told you everything would be all right.
CHRISTOPHER and CHRISTINE then lie on the ground, in classical fashion, her head in his lap.
CHRISTOPHER
As an atheist, this is against everything I stand for.
CHRISTINE
Please don’t spoil it. I wonder if there’s a beach?
Pause. Bubbling water, bird song.
CHRISTOPHER
Those streams must end somewhere.
CHRISTINE
The sea kept me going. I’d lie there and feel myself dive through a paper-thin curl, feel the spray of the westerly sting my face as I popped out and looked back at wonderful, endless Wanda. And I’d tell myself there was no way I was going to lose that. No way. Did you really kiss me? In the car?
They embrace, kiss.
CHRISTINE (CONT’D)
Now you have me for eternity.
CHRISTOPHER
Eternity is too short.
CHRISTINE
We don’t have to get married. I won’t hold you to it, now.
CHRISTOPHER
I want to marry you.
JERRY passes, oblivious to the The Lovers.
JERRY
(dictating)
My companions comprise a curious gene pool. Colette modelled for luminaries of the modernist avant garde. Grace wrote a marxist analysis of Gothic architecture, apparently much admired by Stalin. Alastair was an army chaplain. I myself was the youngest member of a futurist think tank advising the Google, Apple, Microsoft, Facebook, Twitter, Ebay, NASA, and the Versace Vegan Meat Company, among others. Two young newcomers are to be married. The rationale behind our selection and number continues to elude me. As do the whereabouts of my father. I note that missing is merely electrochemical awareness of absence.
JERRY exits.
CHRISTOPHER
Our new friends seem a nice class of person, don’t they?
She kisses him.
CHRISTINE
They’re happy, Chris.
CHRISTOPHER
So they are.
CHRISTINE
I’d like a girl and a boy.
CHRISTOPHER
So I hear.
CHRISTINE
I’ve known for years.
CHRISTOPHER
I know.
CHRISTINE
What else are we going to do? To pass the time.
Pause.
CHRISTINE (CONT’D)
We know we can. They said there’s no problem. I can again. It’s why we’re here, isn’t it?
She moves on top of him, kisses him again.
CHRISTINE (CONT’D)
More breaking news. I’m ovulating.
CHRISTOPHER
What? You can’t ovulate here!
CHRISTINE
I’m ovulating. Gimme gimme gimme.
CHRISTOPHER
You’re frightening Alastair’s birds.
CHRISTINE
Our choirmaster is desperate for a boy soprano. How do you know the others aren’t at it like rabbits? Shut off your brain and just do it.
CHRISTOPHER slides away. Stares at the fish in the fountain.
CHRISTOPHER
It might not be one fish with two heads. It could be two fish with one body.
CHRISTINE
Still not ready? Billions of people aren’t ready. They take a chance and live with it.
CHRISTOPHER
And screw up the kids as they do.
CHRISTINE
I’ll never forget the look on your face. When I showed you the test result.
CHRISTOPHER
Don’t. OK? Don’t, Chris.
CHRISTINE
On death row, strapped in the chair, still looking round for a laugh to make it all go away. Well, I made it go away. I hoovered it right out of existence. I let you go away too. You came back.
ALASTAIR enters, deploying his binoculars.
CHRISTINE (CONT’D)
The garden is gorgeous, Alastair.
A bird calls.
ALASTAIR
Shining bronze cuckoo.
He passes the binoculars to CHRISTINE.
ALASTAIR (CONT’D)
They pass through this time of year. Looking for someone to raise their young for them.
CHRISTINE
Do they have any luck?
JERRY
Life is too shortt!
JERRY rings the bell three times.
CHRISTINE
Do we?
CHRISTOPHER
I don’t.
ALASTAIR
Marvellous.
Another bird calls.
ALASTAIR (CONT’D)
Grey shrike thrush.
ALASTAIR exits.
CHRISTOPHER
I need a hobby, don’t I?
CHRISTINE
A girl and a boy.
CHRISTINE exits. CHRISTOPHER tarries.
The choir begin to sing, inside.
CHRISTOPHER goes in.
Scene 3
Inside the cathedral..CHRISTOPHER joins CHRISTINE.
CHRISTINE (CONT’D)
Last chance to change your mind.
CHRISTOPHER
There’s still the altar.
ALASTAIR bears flowers.
ALASTAIR
For the bride. A rose for the groom’s lapel. I have not felt so excited in ages.
CHRISTOPHER
Where do you want us?
CHRISTINE
May I enter? I’d like to walk down the aisle.
ALASTAIR
Of course. It may be wise to steer clear of the north wall. A little joke. Perhaps you would like to be given away?
CHRISTOPHER
Her father gave her away years ago.
CHRISTINE
You’re never going to stop, are you?
CHRISTOPHER
Hope Springs, Idaho. The fruit of our loins may inherit the problem.
JERRY
There will be a chromosome patch.
CHRISTINE
I prefer to enter alone, thankyou Alastair. No offence.
JERRY
Best man?
CHRISTOPHER
You’re a good man, Jerry, but you’re not Rob. No offence.
CHRISTINE
We’d also like to take the “obey” bit out of the ceremony.
CHRISTOPHER
And add a short admonitory reference to “control freak”.
ALASTAIR
Shall we take our places?
CHRISTINE
You are sure, Christopher, are you?
CHRISTOPHER
Positive.
CHRISTINE exits, so to make her entrance. CHRISTOPHER takes traditional place, alone.
JERRY initiates the joyful peal of wedding bells. As the pigeons beat their panicked path..
..CHRISTINE walks down the aisle, joins CHRISTOPHER, and the bells cease.
Dearly beloved. We are gathered here in the sight of God, and in the face of this congregation, to join together this man and this woman in Holy Matrimony..
Is a comet due?
Not to my knowledge.
A new comet, perhaps?
A new comet is merely an old comet with orbital period longer than memory.
It comes this way.
A sign that your time of commitment is at hand.
The Oort Band throws off a comet every 26 million years. A big one took out the dinosaurs.
Should we be alarmed?
Marry before it hits?
Dearly beloved, we are gathered here in the sight of God, and in the face of this congregation..
..to join together this man and this woman in Holy Matrimony..
Everyone.
Oh my goodness.
Alors. Alors. Alors,
This is a first.
Oh my goodness. Oh my goodness.
Mary. It assumes the shape of Mary! Do you see? Mary.
Mary, yes. Mary by Modigliani! The elongated curvature. The elliptical face. The sleepy eyes. Mary as Modi would paint her. Unmistakeable.
Mary of organised labour. Devotional icon of mediaeval stonemasons.
Fractal Mary. Warm weather, convectional rainfall, porous stone, capillary action, Mary from chaos. Cool. Cool!
Do you see?
Yes! Yes! I do. Look, Chris.
I’m looking.
See? There’s her face, draped in a shawl. See? With a halo above? And her hands clasped below? See?
Oh my goodness. Oh my goodness.
Alastair - ?
It isn’t Mary. It isn’t Mary.
Let’s sit you down.
It is Catherine! It is Catherine. Catherine, tell me you did not love me. Catherine?
I’m fine now. I’m fine. I’m fine.
It’s all right. It’s all right. You loved her.
Not well. I did not love her well. Amor spiritualis facile labitur in nudum carnalem amorem. Spiritual love falls easily into carnal love.
But it didn’t..did it?
Ah. Mon dieu. Naughty boy.
I did not love her well.
I don’t think it is your Catherine.
Catherine. When I lay dying, I saw only you. I thought only to see you again. Forgive me, Catherine. Forgive me.
I don’t think it is your Catherine.
Oh, it is. It is.
The halo, Alastair. The halo. Do you not see?
A wheel. A halo like a wheel.
A halo like a wheel.
She is most definitely Catherine, but not your Catherine. She is Catherine of Alexandria. Her symbol? The wheel? Upon which she was to be broken but did not die?
The wheel which broke instead? Oh my goodness.
We have a discovery. We find ourselves in the Church of Saint Catherine, patroness of wheelwrights, spinners, and millers.
Catherine rejected earthly marriage to become a bride of Christ. She disputed fifty philosophers, with success. When finally beheaded, it was said she bled milk.
How amazing. Chris?
A damp patch on a crumbling wall in an over-ventilated heritage shed?
He does this. Look. Just look, will you? It’s as clear as day. You must see her.
I do. I see. More Michaelangelo than Modigliani, I’d have thought. The stout plumpness? Touch of the Sistine? And, perhaps, neither Mary nor Catherine, but Dante’s Beatrice? His perfect woman. Backlit by spoke-like rays of the morning sun?
Don’t push it.
I also see my mother, smiling. See? She’s just had a glass of sherry and her cheeks are shining.
You’re pushing it.
You can’t see my mother?
He sees. He just can’t admit it. Without making a joke. But he does see.
We do not doubt it.
A momentary electrochemical frisson.
A momentary topple into the schism.
And returned. Restored and strengthened.
I can see your mother, too, Chrissie.
She gives the marriage her blessing.
She was very fond of me.
What is the universe but a multitude of hopeful signs? Shall we?
Dearly beloved. We are gathered here in the sight of God, and in the face of this congregation, to join together this man and this woman in Holy Matrimony..
A moment passes before he is noticed. Another before his fate registers. He vomits seawater. Is wracked with coughing.
Blankets. Blankets.
That’s it. That’s it. Nearly finished.
Let’s get you warmed up.
Better, mon petit, non?
What is your name, child? Can you tell us your name?
My name is Grace. This is Colette. Alastair. Jerry. And Christine and Christopher.
You’re all right now, little one. Everything will be all right now.
I’m in trouble, aren’t I?
Oh no, you’re not in trouble. Not at all.
Mum said not to go on our own. Juliet went out too far. Is Juliet here?
Juliet, she is your sister? A friend?
Sister. Is Juliet here? I tried to save her.
Then you’re a hero.
The waves were too big.
It was an accident. We all had accidents.
I fell out of a garrett window. How silly am I?
I was knocked off my bicycle.
I was struck by lightning.
I had an altercation with a chromosome.
Our car ran off the road.
The important thing is you are safe now. We are all safe here.
I’ve never met a hero before.
I’ve been saving this for the right person. I’ll bet you’re good at it.
What is your name, mon petit?
Peter.
How old are you, Peter?
Seven.
Do you like to sing, Peter?
Alastair? Is this the right time?
Christine and Christopher are getting married.
Hi, Peter.
Would you like to sing in our choir?
Juliet!
Come in and sit by the fire.
Where’s mum? Peter, where’s mum? Where is she?
I don’t know.
Where is she? I want mum.
Don’t cry, Juliet. Stop crying.
It’s OK, Peter. Let Juliet cry if she wants.
I want to go home.
It’s all right, sweetheart. Everything’s going to be all right now.
You and Peter are safe now.
Press-gang her into the choir too?
I have a present for you, Juliet. I’ve been saving her. It’s Scientist Barbie.
I got a Gameboy 6.0
I hate Barbie. I want a Gameboy 6.0 too.
Don’t underestimate Scientist Barbie. She can overcome gender bias and formulate a Theory of Everything to win the Nobel Prize.
Barbie is a loser. I want a Gameboy 6.0. Peter always gets the best things.
Give it to me!
No. It’s mine. It’s mine!
Now you’ve made Barbie sad.
Barbie sucks. Give it to me!
Ha ha. Ha ha.
He always gets the best things! It’s not fair!
I have an idea. Why don’t we both take turns with the Gameboy?
Me first.
Peter?
Well? What do we think? Sandbar collapse? Act of God? Or Man? Swamped by a Jetski?
You’re not helping.
Social fracture, perhaps. Lifesavers on strike over high insurance premiums. Malevolent physics? Butterfly flaps wing in Brazil, freak wave in Coogee?
There will be a purpose.
They’re kids, for god’s sake.
This cracks all our hearts.
From which we must take the transcendent positive. A Drowned Children Window is sure to bring in pilgrims.
Shut up, Chris. Shut up.
Faith is pain as well as joy. Or it is not faith.
We saw a man on a horse! In the sky! Riding inside a cloud. At the beach.
Only one? One man on a horse? Or were there more?
He scared me and I ran into the water. I want to go home.
You can’t, Juliet. You have to stay here.
I’m going home. You can’t stop me.
Let me go! You can’t make me!
Now now. Now now.
Little birds in their nest should agree.
I’ll scream. I’ll scream.
CHRISTOPHER tries to pick up JULIET, to hug her.
Juliet. It’s ok. Shh. Shh -
You’re not my daddy! I want my daddy!
Chris!
JULIET snarls, bares her teeth.
CHRISTOPHER
Jesus! She drew blood. Jesus!
GRACE
Child. Child. We’re your friends.
JULIET snarls at GRACE.
A beam of light, from outside, hits the doorway.
JULIET
I’m going home. And you can’t come with me, Peter. Ha ha.
JULIET backs away toward the light. Holding the GameBoy.
JULIET (CONT’D)
I’m going now. I’m going now. Bye bye, Peter.
At the last moment, JULIET dashes back, collects Barbie and exits with both toys.
CHRISTOPHER
Kids.
CHRISTINE holds, consoles PETER.
ALASTAIR
How long was she here?
GRACE
Not too long.
ALASTAIR kneels in prayer.
ALASTAIR
Saint Catherine. Help us to understand. A child has been delivered by the sea. There is anger in our hearts. There is doubt in our minds. We ask bitter questions. The answers may lie beyond our understanding, but we are vain. The questions sting our souls. Dispute with us, Catherine. Dispute with us.
ALASTAIR looks up, unburdened.
ALASTAIR (CONT’D)
If we believe we hope, and if we hope, we love.
CHRISTOPHER
Let a smile be your umbrella.
CHRISTINE, rocking slowly, holds PETER, strokes his forehead.
CHRISTINE
It’s ok to be sad. But the sadness will go away. I promise. You’ll be happy again, You’ll see Juliet. again. And your mum and dad after a while. In the meantime, will you let me look after you?
PETER nods.
CHRISTINE (CONT’D)
I was sad too, once. Very sad. Do you know what I did? I pictured a big sheet of paper in my mind. And I took all the bad thoughts and wrapped them up in the paper and threw them in the rubbish bin. And I do that whenever I have bad thoughts. Then I tell myself to think about good things. Do you know what I discovered? If you think about good things, good things happen.
PETER falls asleep.
CHRISTINE (CONT’D)
(to Christopher)
What? Belief fatigue, again? It’s getting chronic, Chris.
CHRISTOPHER
Fish. Mary. Catherine wheels. Fine. Harmless bullshit. Children as martyrs to the testing of faith? Wrangle a positive out of that? No. I’m out. That’s just wicked.
CHRISTINE
And our child? The child we killed?
CHRISTOPHER
We didn’t kill a child.
CHRISTINE
So what did we do?
CHRISTOPHER
We didn’t kill a child.
CHRISTINE
Of course. We made a choice. We weren’t ready. All that.
CHRISTOPHER
We weren’t ready.
CHRISTINE
I was. I was totally ready. Is this yet another funny way of saying you’ve gone cold on marriage? Again?
CHRISTOPHER
Come with me.
CHRISTINE
I never expect you to stay, Chris. Ever.
CHRISTOPHER
Come with me. Bring the boy.
CHRISTINE
I’m starting to hate you. I don’t want to hate you.
CHRISTOPHER
The road to hell is paved with good intent.
CHRISTINE
Lose the sense of humour.
JERRY
Life is too short!
JERRY rings the bell four times.
COLETTE poses CHRISTINE and PETER before the backdrop - Mother and Child - with intent to paint.
The choir sings a devotional piece - eg Allegri’s “Miserere” (Psalm 51) - with treble lead by PETER. His pure voice soars. The sound approaches the transcendental.
CHRISTOPHER watches. Then turns and exits.
END OF PART 1
Part 2: HELL
Characters
The Children:
PETER (2011-2019)
JULIET (2012-2019)
The Residents:
Prologue
Darkness. Silence.
A church bell tolls. Slow and sombre. Before a wind begins to howl in the slow-spreading yellow light of a bleak morning.
We are in The AntiGarden. Rubbish - a milk crate, scraps of paper, empty bottle in paper bag, litters the ground.
JULIET enters, warily, with GameBoy and Barbie. She scans the sky. Sees nothing. Sits and plays with GameBoy and Barbie. Until, on hearing someone approach, she scurries off.
A circular beam of red light - a red tunnel - appears.
CHRISTOPHER enters, walks down the tunnel. Looking older, features drawn, nervy. Filthy, his clothes tattered.
CHRISTOPHER
We are alone: belief is vanity.
I found that I was wand’ring in a wood
So deep and dense I could not see the sky
Blackened stunted trees around me stood
And moaned, their anguished branches flailed
And scratched at faces trapped within. I could
Not turn away. I howled and ran until
A mouth-like gate appeared. A figure clad
In pallid skin instructed me to trail
Whoever it was, wherever I was, was bad
He disappears as the light is extinguished.
Scene 1
A bluesy, devilish, clapping-on-the-backbeat rhythm begins.
Darkness lifts to reveal a fractured Gothic interior. Seeming under demolition, not restoration. Incomplete Rose Window/ Wheel, bell in broken tower, holed vaulting, scaffolding.
ALASTAIR, GRACE, COLETTE, JERRY - not the Heavenly personae but their Hellish dualist opposites - clap the beat. ALASTAIR conducts, emotes, bangs a tambourine. All four caught in the sway of the Devil’s music.
GRACE - Urban Developer - cheap suit, tie, white shoes
Or along those lines. Hellish.
The ill-matched colours of broken glass shard the interior. Human figures depicted represent Interior Decoration, New Age Mysticism, Urban Development, Advertising.
A gaudy glass chandelier hangs from the roof, large gold-framed mirror on a wall.
Prompted by ALASTAIR, the group launch into a corrupted version of the traditional spiritual, “Motherless Child”.
ALL
Sometimes I feel like a burger and fries. (3X)
A long way from home..
(Complete lyrics tba)
CHRISTOPHER wanders, in view, outside, as they sing.
As choirmembers spy CHRISTOPHER, singing falls into disarray. ALASTAIR signals a halt.
ALASTAIR
Close to abominable, ye sinners. We must believe the worst is yet to come and we’ll get there. So we have ourselves a blow-in, do we?
GRACE
A callow, slack-jawed, wet-pantied youth.
COLETTE smokes a coloured Sobranie in gold-and-jet holder.
COLETTE
Car?
ALASTAIR
Rust bucket. Sloppy box. Leaky hydraulics. Bald tyres. Loose belts. No air bags. Suffer the little children to fly through the windscreen. Come on down, kids!
JERRY
This young transgressor looks suspiciously lethargic to me.
JERRY suffers from Porky Pig’s speech impediment, pronouncing ‘r’ and ‘l’ as ‘w’. So eliciting sniggers from his compatriots.
COLETTE
Shock and sedation, Jerry. I was comprehensively sedated for the journey. I now dine out on eternal repeats. Shock and sedation is my default state.
JERRY
I place trust in my inner Beelzebub to guide me, Colette, rather than become a diazepam zombie ambulating to the dull drum of the medico-pharmaceutical complex.
COLETTE
I do still feel for the poor lamb through my opioid haze.
GRACE
There will be a woman involved. There always is. Thank Christ.
COLETTE
Aren’t we awful?
GRACE
Thank Christ.
COLETTE
Did you ever have a relationship with a woman, Alastair?
ALASTAIR
With a breeder?
GRACE
I beg your pardon, you embittered old reptile?
ALASTAIR
I am not old, Madame.
COLETTE
And? Who was this unfortunate?
ALASTAIR
Her name was Brian. Briony. Or the other way round. Briony Brian. We crossed paths in the Purple Merkin. Her face shone like the young Charlotte Manson.
COLETTE
Did this Briony Brian know you were in love with her?
ALASTAIR
I wasn’t. For heaven’s sake!
COLETTE
It is better that way.
GRACE indicates a discolouration upon high stonework.
GRACE
What in hell is that? That dark patch.
ALASTAIR
A discolouration may be many, many things. What do we think?
JERRY
Damp. Fertile ground for Amanita phalloides, the Death Cap mushroom. Severe abdominal cramp, nausea, vomiting, violent diarrhoea, jaundice and cyanosis precede coma and death.
GRACE
One more reason to knock the place down and erect, by the truly hideous, for the truly hideous, the truly hideous.
COLETTE
A foul ungodly splodge which undeniably lowers the tone and must be preserved for the discomfort of future generations.
ALASTAIR
A miraculous embodiment of the dark stain on our collective conscience?
GRACE
Nowhere near big enough, Al. Have I told you I got my wrecking ball ticket by letting the Secretary of the Builders Labourers Federation do me without a frenchie?
COLETTE
Many, many, many times, Grace.
JERRY
Every telling of which without fail situated you at the cutting edge of boredom.
GRACE
Get a brown dog up you, Jerry.
ALASTAIR
Now we’re talking.
CHRISTOPHER enters.
CHRISTOPHER
Excuse me. I saw a light.
ALASTAIR
Piss off. We’re full.
JERRY
What are you staring at?
COLETTE
Is there a problem?
GRACE
Where did you think you’d end up? Shovelling coal next to Elvis?
JERRY
Elvis is not dead. He’s in Cuba giving scuba lessons to tourists and driving the Playa Giron school bus. We are in regular contact.
ALASTAIR
You’re not going to tell me you can’t sing, are you? Don’t tell me you can’t sing.
GRACE
Head stuck up your arse, is it? What sort of a wanker won’t have a sing with his mates?
ALASTAIR
Welcome to No Souls, my boy. Sing this.
An impossible note. Laughter at CHRISTOPHER’S discomfort.
ALASTAIR (CONT’D)
They’ve sent us one who can’t sing!
GRACE
Rip a disability pension.
COLETTE
(laughs)
Don’t take any notice of them, petal. They envy dysfunction.
ALASTAIR
Can you Gregorian chant? You must be able to Gregorian chant. A block of wood can Gregorian chant.
(chants)
“Cling wrap it, bar code it, flog ad infinitum”.
ALL
“Cling wrap it, bar code it, flog ad infinitum”.
CHRISTOPHER fails the chant test.
ALASTAIR
They’ve sent us one who can’t Gregorian chant! Can you clap? You put your hands together like this. Help him.
They clap a back-beat, caper round CHRISTOPHER, taunting.
GRACE
Get on up, like a sex machine.
JERRY
Get funky-butt-loose and jiggy-wid-it!
ALASTAIR
Shake your money maker!
CHRISTOPHER fails the clap test.
GRACE
Go to university, did you? Spoiled brat. My mother made me go to secretarial school. Drop out, did you? Spend the dole on drugs? Roll up your sleeve. Show me your arm.
ALASTAIR shakes CHRISTOPHER.
ALASTAIR
What. Are. You. Doing. Here. If. You. Can’t. Sing. Gregorian. Chant. Or. Clap. On. The. Back. Beat?
CHRISTOPHER
My Saint Christopher’s medal is a Chinese knock-off.
Deadpan silence.
GRACE
Humour is fear.
COLETTE
(laughs)
Don’t take any notice of them.
A repetitive, “supernatural” ring tone alerts JERRY.
JERRY
That’s me. Hello - ?
JERRY turns and collides with a wall or similar.
JERRY (CONT’D)
Entropy. The second law of thermodynamics. Progress of all things towards disorder. A cosmos out of control.
JERRY climbs up scaffolding to the belltower..disturbing several ravens..who utter characteristic ‘dying’ calls.
ALASTAIR produces a gun and fires. A raven falls.
ALASTAIR
Nevermore.
JERRY makes psychic contact with ‘The Other Side’.
JERRY
Yes..this is Jerry..I’m getting.. Does anyone have a father named.. William? Brother, perhaps? Cousin? ..Not William?...Guy?
COLETTE
My second husband. Guillaume. Guy.
JERRY
He’s here.
COLETTE
What does he want?
JERRY
Money.
COLETTE
Still? Oh, for pity’s sake. It’s been seventy five years!
JERRY
I’m getting..a ladder?..no..a staircase?
COLETTE
He fell. Down a marble staircase with Naiad balusters - or were they Dryads? - anyway, he dodged a falling faux-crystal chandelier only to impale himself on a Neo-classical spear-ended curtain rod.
GRACE
Did he fall or was he pushed?
COLETTE
A spectacularly successful end to yet another disappointing relationship. Please tell Guy he’s too late.
JERRY
He’s right here. Tell him yourself.
COLETTE
Guillaume. You sad impossible little man. There is no money. How many times have I told you, you cannot take it with you!
ALASTAIR
There’d be a lot more believers if you could. Boom tish.
COLETTE
Oh, the man is impossible! Guillaume. Allez! Go. Please just go. Before I am forced to raise encore the unpleasant subject of your impotence.
JERRY
He’s gone. I’m getting someone else..?
COLETTE
I’m not talking to the others either.
JERRY
Yes, this is Jerry..Dad?! Is that you? It’s me. Jerry. Your son! Jerry, your son? I’ve been trying to contact you for ages, you bastard! To give you a piece of my mind, you arse - ! What? Jerry. Jerry! Jerry your son!..Oh..Well, sorry to have bothered you.
(disconnects)
Jamming of wave activity. Violent activity in the nuclei of distant radio galaxies. Prelude to the heat death of the universe.
ALASTAIR
Shut up, Jerry.
JERRY
Or perhaps, on the subatomic level, buffeting by the four fundamental particular forces. Further complicated by Heisenberg’s Uncertainty Principle.
ALASTAIR
Shut up, Jerry.
JERRY receives yet another psychic contact.
JERRY
Yes, this is Jerry..I’m getting waves..a beach..a young woman..in a bikini..?
CHRISTOPHER
What colour bikini - ?
JERRY trips over himself and falls to the floor.
JERRY
Oh, good one. Good one. Newton’s noxious little law. Bang. Suddenly you’re over the cliff. Down the crevasse. Under the train. The malevolence of the material world.
CHRISTOPHER
What colour bikini?
JERRY
We must find the spiritual dimension. Follow me, brothers and sisters.
No-one follows. Exiting, JERRY cannons into the door frame.
JERRY (CONT’D)
Bravo. Bravissimo. Newton again. Arsehole. The electrochemical tangle sparks and hisses. Static shrieks. Thought ceases.
JERRY exits, holding his head.
CHRISTOPHER scans his surrounds.
GRACE
It’s all coming down. Overnight. nIt’s coming down and ‘Leviathan’ is going up.
ALASTAIR
(sings jingle)
‘Leviathan.’ (Lyrics tba)
GRACE puts a soliciting arm around CHRISTOPHER.
GRACE
(over singing)
Leviathan: six dark, Stygian high rise cylinders, independently rotating, all topped by casinos, clad in black one-way glass so the envy of outsiders reflects back at them, while alcove-free exteriors deny shelter to undesirables and nicotine-addicts.
ALASTAIR
Leviathan. For those who wish to rise above the herd. You’ve earned it. Make it yours. Now.
GRACE
I see you committing unspeakable acts in trendy Bachelor Tower Two, you young hellraiser, you.
ALASTAIR
Buy off the plan and save save save!
COLETTE
Are you quite finished, Philistines?
COLETTE puts an equally soliciting arm round CHRISTOPHER.
COLETTE (CONT’D)
It will never be built, cheri. Never. I shall hurl myself in front of the wrecking ball.
GRACE
I’ll shove my ball so far up your snobby arse you’ll have to brush your teeth with rust converter.
COLETTE
Piffle whiffle. Fiffle. Demolition is so passé. We sinners must dare to decorate. I see - see it with me - rococo softness, frills and flounces, curlicues, filigree and stuffed retro toys on plump pillows adorning a five star boutique hotel for discerning evildoers.
GRACE
Do you have children?
CHRISTOPHER
No.
GRACE
Smart move. Leviathan is strictly child-free. Procreate? Evacuate.
ALASTAIR
The absence of noisome spawn is a primary point of difference.
GRACE
Of course, although biology is bullshit, we will not completely abandon the child-rearing. We are currently clearing the Wood Of Suicides for a low income estate.
JERRY enters, bearing rolls of curtain material.
JERRY
Red. The bikini. Colette! Curtains!
JERRY trips, again. The curtains spill.
JERRY
Do your worst, you subatomic quantum bastards. I stand on the verge of exposing you for what you are. Evil.
ALASTAIR
You see before you a hypochondriac of physical phenomena.
JERRY
Hypochondria is an electrochemical phenomenon and it, too, is out to get me.
COLETTE helps JERRY gather up the curtain rolls.
COLETTE
Christopher? Oh, Christopherrrr! Would you care to give me a hand?
JERRY
Evil is a substance. Matter is wicked. The physical world is not value neutral but inherently malevolent. Everything breaks, Nothing works. Follow me, brothers and sisters!
JERRY climbs the scaffolding again. No-one follows.
ALASTAIR
It’s best to humour him. But do not on any account give him money.
COLETTE
Christopher? Oh, Christopherrrr! Now be a love and fetch those?
COLETTE indicates a sheaf of ornate spear-ended curtain rods.
GRACE
Christopher. Oh Christopher. Here. Now.
GRACE escorts CHRISTOPHER to a collection of artefacts: a huge bronze clenched fist; a grafitti’d concrete block; monogrammed slippers, necktie, dentures..
GRACE (CONT’D)
I was the first Australian woman to operate a wrecking ball solo. Did the old Odeon in Brisbane. In the middle of the night. I’m in the Guinness book.
COLETTE
Christopher? Oh, Christopherrrr! Are you watching?
COLETTE unfurls a lurid, diaphonous, frill-edged curtain from the scaffolding. To envelope GRACE.
COLETTE (CONT’D)
Voilà! Sloth! Acedia in the Latin. One of the Seven Deadly Sins. Well? Do you love it? Christopher? My Sloth curtain? Do you love it?
CHRISTOPHER
I love your Sloth curtain.
COLETTE
Did you hear that, everybody? Christopher loves my Sloth curtain. My other six Deadly Sin curtains are equally lovely. Christopher? Dare to decorate!
ALASTAIR
Christopher? There are only two genuine Deadly Sins. Vanity and Envy. If one lets you down, the other kicks in. The other five are merely useful derivatives.
GRACE
Christopher? I don’t demolish any more. Not personally. I conserve. See this fist? Stalin. Amputated from a statue in Kiev, garage sale in Belarus. A unique heritage feature for the lobby of Leviathan.
ALASTAIR
The comforting touch of history.
GRACE
Concrete block from The Wall. I got a hundred metres of the thing.
CHRISTOPHER
The Berlin Wall?
GRACE
Nobody forks out for breezeblocks from a council dunny in Bendigo, you sad clown. Half of Russia and Eastern Europe is on ebay. See these holes? Kalashnikov. Tell a story, don’t they? Whack a sheet of glass on top? Unique coffee tables for every apartment. Tito’s party necktie. Ceaucescu’s slippers. Pol Pot’s teeth. Found them over there.
ALASTAIR
Mr Pot passed through on his way to the lapsed buddhist sector.
A beat. Before GRACE and ALASTAIR burst into laughter.
GRACE
Sucked in. You goose.
JERRY
Life is too long!
JERRY rings hell’s bell - a searing dissonant clang - once.
JERRY (CONT’D)
With orange hibiscus pattern! The bikini!
CHRISTOPHER
Christine?
GRACE
He makes it up. He’s a bullshitter.
GRACE stares at the damp patch.
GRACE (CONT’D)
The dark splodge is getting bigger!
COLETTE
A sinful curtain will conceal it.
GRACE
What if it spreads all over, you pretentious cow?
COLETTE
There is nothing that cannot be hidden by a good Deadly Sin. Nothing. Christopher? Oh, Christopherrrr! Curtains on rods?
CHRISTOPHER is pressed into threading curtains onto rods.
COLETTE (CONT’D)
So. Car?
CHRISTOPHER
On my way to be married.
COLETTE
Oh là. I was four times married. I’m still fond of them all. Where is your fiancée?
CHRISTOPHER
I left her. At the altar.
COLETTE
You’ve done the right thing. It gets easier the more you do it, chéri.
JERRY descends. To the sound of disturbed ravens. Distracted, he slips and hangs from the scaffolding..
JERRY
And your point is, Signor Bernoulli? Passing birds create pressure differential, one is sucked towards the flock, gravity does the rest? Unnecessary. Completely unnecessary!
..then makes a psychic contact.
JERRY (CONT’D)
Hello? This is Jerry..
CHRISTOPHER
Christine?
JERRY
Hieronymous! It’s Hieronymous.
JERRY dictates, loudly, to Hieronymous.
JERRY (CONT’D)
A sea of asphalt bubbles in the heat. Cyclone fencing moans in the wind. Plastic bags and newspaper flap like pennants on the wire. A bridge burns fiercely over a filthy river. A parade of bulldozers chews through the Wood of Suicides.
COLETTE
Jerry! Shut up!
JERRY
Bodies plummet from a giant ladder forking from the clouds and splash into a slimy ditch. A plague of defrocked priests scurries across the landscape. A second plague of losing sports teams and Olympic disappointments flagellates and wails for forgiveness. Swarms of obsolete celebrities hurl themselves off cliffs into boiling seas. A pod of decaffeinated hipsters, beached by a river of pitch, text final goodbyes to their hairdressers and tattooists. A torrential downpour of bank CEOs is predicted for later, the mark of the barcode on their foreheads -
COLETTE
Putain! Jerry! Shut up! Shut up!
JERRY
I have to go, Hieronymous -
JERRY cannons into a wall.
JERRY (CONT’D)
I hate you. I hate you. They’re all devils. Newton. Darwin. Einstein. Hawking. Devils. All of them.
JERRY exits.
COLETTE produces a Norman Lindsay oil painting, gilt framed, depicting lurid Dionysian revelries.
COLETTE
Well? Well? Do you love my Lindsay? You do, don’t you? Would Norman be better over there? Or over here? Hold it up? Higher?
CHRISTOPHER holds the painting in required position.
COLETTE (CONT’D)
That’s me. With the breasts and the pitchfork. Poor Norman was hormonal but harmless. He’s a sound if unspectacular investment. I think he would be better over there.
CHRISTOPHER re-positions the painting.
COLETTE (CONT’D)
He’s not right, is he? Let’s try him over here.
CHRISTOPHER re-positions the painting.
COLETTE (CONT’D)
No. No. Oh, what am I doing? It’s a nightmare! Look what you’ve made me do, you silly boy. Please just put Norman down. Down. Curtains, Colette, curtains.
She turns attention to the Deadly Sins curtains.
COLETTE (CONT’D)
You miss her, no? Your fiancée. Tell me to mind my own business. Why did you leave the lovely Christine at the altar? Well? All men are afraid, dear. It’s natural.
CHRISTOPHER
Two children drowned. A little boy and girl.
COLETTE
Oh, merde, that is not right, is it? The truth is ugly. Fine fabric is the best protection I know. Where shall we hang Gluttony, cheri?
CHRISTOPHER
The little girl made it back.
COLETTE
Oh, that’s nice. My René died of gluttony.
CHRISTOPHER
Her brother’s gone.
COLETTE
Something to dull the pain?
She produces a pill bottle. Pours CHRISTOPHER a handful.
COLETTE (CONT’D)
Keep the bottle. Now don’t do anything stupid. Like not take enough! Oh, ha! Colette, you have a sense of humour after all! We’ve all been to the railway platform, petal. It’s worse when you can’t jump, isn’t it? I know how you feel, blossom. You can feel a lump like a ball bearing, right here, where your soul should be, can’t you? How do you feel about white leather pouffes?
JERRY, entering, trips over an object - the GameBoy - which slides across the floor, to be collected by GRACE.
GRACE
Who left this here for Jerry to trip over?
ALASTAIR
Did you bring offspring with you?
COLETTE
Christopher has no offspring. He is deathly afraid of children.
GRACE
One or two you don’t know about? Until they knock on your door?
ALASTAIR
Are you now or have you ever been a father?
GRACE
What’s wrong with you? Are you shooting blanks? The BLF Secretary was shooting blanks. Which was all my fault. After we married he wanted to do it every night without a frenchie to breed an heir to his football inadequacy. He got greyhounds instead. I built my first block of units. Are you gay?
COLETTE
Rise above, petal. Or duck below. Or circle around. Best of all, conceal with fabric. I’m not clever like you but I have a wonderful feel for fabrics.
The cathedral darkens. Lightning hits the tower, followed by thunder and intermittent heavy thudding on the roof.
GRACE
Here we go. Here we GO!
A large toad falls through a fissure in the roof.
COLETTE
A toad? Eeek! Eeek! A toad! A toad!
ALASTAIR
Scorn must be tested. Send her down, Huey, send her down!
JERRY
Hieronymous. We have a toad. A big one.
GRACE
A rain of toads? Is that the worst you can do?
ALASTAIR
Forgotten how to wipe out the first born, have you?
JERRY
And while you’re fooling round with your predatory physics, we victims have a few questions.
ALASTAIR
Who made a complete mess and pretended it wasn’t him?
JERRY
Am I being punished?
GRACE
Who taught Pilate to wash his hands?
JERRY
Why am I buffeted by the four fundamental particle interactions? Further complicated by Heisenberg’s Uncertainty Principle?
ALASTAIR
Who was Cain’s wife?
GRACE
What?
ALASTAIR
Think it through,
JERRY
Is it true that souls in purgatory reappear as toads to haunt those who wronged them?
GRACE
Aha! Christine! Christine!
CHRISTOPHER
What? What did you say?
ALASTAIR
Christine? Good-looking, was she? Croak.
JERRY
Yes, this is Jerry..I’m getting..a wheel?..a steering wheel?..I’m hearing..a jammed car horn..barp barp barp barp..You’re very faint, Christine.
COLETTE
Christopher abandoned the poor girl at the altar.
JERRY
She wants to ask you something. Christine? You’re breaking up.
JERRY seeks better reception, higher up.
JERRY (CONT’D)
She sounds a long way away. But she definitely wants to talk.
CHRISTOPHER
Hello? Christine?
JERRY
Lost her.
ALASTAIR
Penalty kick to win the World Cup. Ixnay on the Oadtay.
He strides in to kick the toad. CHRISTOPHER stops him.
CHRISTOPHER
It’s alive.
ALASTAIR
Egad! Animals and compassion. Loser!
GRACE
Are you a greenie, are you? Or some kind of sicko toad fancier?
COLETTE
Will someone please get that wart-infested thing out of my sight!
CHRISTOPHER collects the toad.
GRACE
You’ll get warts. Or cancer. Or children.
CHRISTOPHER
Look on the bright side.
The retort elicits a disapproving pause.
COLETTE
Wash your hands afterwards, Christopher darling.
CHRISTOPHER exits with GameBoy and toad.
ALASTAIR
Did I really hear him say “Look on the bright side?”
GRACE
It could have been worse. At the very least he could have said “It’s all part of life’s rich pageant.”
COLETTE
Or even worse, “All is not lost though the trees be bare.”
JERRY
Or the worst: “Let a smile be your umbrella.”
ALASTAIR
He’s new. .
Scene 2
CHRISTOPHER enters the AntiGarden, sits on the milkcrate, positions the GameBoy prominently, as bait. And waits.
CHRISTOPHER
I know you’re there.
He waits. Circumspectly scans the surrounds. Nothing.
CHRISTOPHER (CONT’D)
Maybe you aren’t. It’s just you and me, my clammy friend.
JERRY passes slowly, conversing with Hieronymous.
JERRY
The suburbs of hell are in ferment. A real estate agent, clothes alight, flees a blazing luxury soft-top. Blackened family vehicles and people movers, stripped and smouldering, dot the estates. The swimming pools are choked with floating dead.
JERRY exits.
CHRISTOPHER prods the toad.
CHRISTOPHER
You’re dead. Right?
A small figure - JULIET - flits momentarily through the shadows. Dirty, ragged clothes, wild hair.
She reappears briefly in another location, and disappears.
CHRISTOPHER plays the GameBoy.
JULIET appears again. Closer. Only to vanish again.
CHRISTOPHER (CONT’D)
I know you’re there. I won’t hurt you.
JULIET shows herself. Scared feral cherub. Clutching Barbie, she hovers, eyes fixed on the GameBoy.
CHRISTOPHER (CONT’D)
Do you remember me?
JULIET nods.
CHRISTOPHER (CONT’D)
I thought you’d gone home.
JULIET runs, tries to snatch the GameBoy, fails, disappears.
CHRISTOPHER (CONT’D)
I won’t hurt you. I promise.
JULIET reappears.
CHRISTOPHER (CONT’D)
What are you doing here?
JULIET bursts into tears. As CHRISTOPHER approaches, she backs away.
CHRISTOPHER (CONT’D)
I won’t hurt you. I’m your friend.
JULIET, taking the GameBoy, allows CHRISTOPHER to hold her.
CHRISTOPHER (CONT’D)
What are you doing here, sweetheart?
JULIET
I killed Peter.
CHRISTOPHER
No. No, you didn’t.
JULIET
I did! I killed Peter!
CHRISTOPHER
It wasn’t your fault, Juliet. It was an accident.
JULIET
It was an accident.
CHRISTOPHER
There’s been a mistake. You shouldn’t be here.
JULIET
Will you tell on me?
CHRISTOPHER
Of course I won’t tell on you. I promise.
JULIET
Can I stay with you?
CHRISTOPHER
Won’t you miss your brother?
JULIET
I want to stay here.
CHRISTOPHER
Won’t Peter miss you? I think Peter will be missing you terribly.
JULIET - hearing someone approach - scurries off.
ALASTAIR enters. Did he see JULIET?
ALASTAIR
All alone?
CHRISTOPHER
Default state.
ALASTAIR
I thought I heard a little voice, before.
CHRISTOPHER
A bird, twittering.
ALASTAIR sits, arm around CHRISTOPHER’S shoulder.
ALASTAIR
A pretty little bird? I’d like to meet this little bird. I’m a little bird fancier.
CHRISTOPHER
It’s flown.
ALASTAIR
Perhaps you might persuade it to fly back? I can get you women. You don’t have to love them back. Petite Asian Honey. Busty Blonde Brandy. Dusky South American Tango. Submissive Yoko. Sabrina, Brigitte, Kelli with an “i”. A smorgasborg Of love. A smorgasborgasm. With no post-coital heartburn. I’ll give you time to think, will I?
ALASTAIR exits.
JERRY
Life is too long!
JERRY rings hell’s bell, twice.
CHRISTOPHER waits, before seeking JULIET.
CHRISTOPHER
Juliet? It’s ok. I’ll look after you -
Only for ALASTAIR to return.
ALASTAIR
I can get you a huge mansion and a very expensive car.
CHRISTOPHER
I don’t think so.
ALASTAIR
I can get you the finest drugs. I can get you the finest of anything you want. Think about it?
CHRISTOPHER
I’ve thought.
ALASTAIR
Baby baby baby. You don’t do girls. You don’t do mansions and Mercs. You don’t drink or take drugs. You can’t sustain a relationship. You don’t want children. Show me your wrists, baby!
He seizes CHRISTOPHER’S wrists, examines them.
ALASTAIR (CONT’D)
Disappointing. What stopped you?
CHRISTOPHER notices JULIET, hiding, watching.
ALASTAIR (CONT’D)
Compassion? Is it?
CHRISTOPHER
Piss off.
ALASTAIR
I used compassion to great effect in a commercial for household bleach. Remember the hospice where the terminals are pegging out on yellowing sheets? I also used it to flog orthopaedic mattresses. Braking systems. Petfood. Compassion hasn’t a shitshow up against vanity or envy, but in the right context, compassion finds a market.
Pause.
ALASTAIR (CONT’D)
Ah. I know what you want. You want to be left alone.
CHRISTOPHER
You’re still here.
ALASTAIR
We’re about to begin. Bring your little bird.
ALASTAIR whispers in CHRISTOPHER’S ear.
CHRISTOPHER
I don’t know what you’re talking about.
ALASTAIR exits.
CHRISTOPHER (CONT’D)
I’ll look after you, Juliet, ok?
JULIET does not return his smile.
A melody, hummed - Hymn 27, “Abide With Me” - rises from within.
Scene 3
Inside the cathedral. Hell’s choir hums “Abide With Me”.
CHRISTOPHER enters, joins the choir, appears to hum.
ALASTAIR orders the others to stop, CHRISTOPHER to hum, solo.
CHRISTOPHER falters under ALASTAIR’S gaze and is dismissed.
The choir sings ‘Hell’s Jingle’. Melody: “Abide With Me”.
ALL
Lyrics tba.
Sidelined, CHRISTOPHER‘S attention is taken by the discoloured stonework. Which appears slowly to change shape..
ALL (CONT’D)
Lyrics tba.
A brooding silence follows the end of the song.
ALASTAIR
I have completed my masterpiece.
GRACE
I hate it, Al. I despise it and you.
ALASTAIR
Magnificent, Alastair. Magnificent.
COLETTE
Vanity. Superbia. Curtain Five. Disgraceful. Simply disgraceful.
JERRY
Sing it backwards, you hear “God is dead”.
ALASTAIR
I know. I know.
Noting CHRISTOPHER’s focus, they too gaze at the dark patch.
COLETTE
He misses his Christine. You see her everywhere, don’t you?
JERRY
Under psychic distress a damp patch on a crumbling wall in an over-ventilated heritage shed may assume the likeness of a lost loved one.
ALASTAIR
What is this thing with signs?
GRACE
The will to believe is relentless in its ridiculousness.
COLETTE
Don’t listen. If you see your Christine there, then she’s there, isn’t she? It will pass, petal.
JERRY
Fungus assumes the gestalt of a Rorschachian nightmare, the asymmetry of the alienated psyche -
Staring makes JERRY dizzy. He stumbles.
JERRY (CONT’D)
Vertigo. Handmaiden of the devil Newton!
(to Christopher)
Do you want me to contact her?
ALASTAIR
Do not listen. Jerry is a charlatan.
GRACE
Jerry is completely cuckoo.
COLETTE
Come with me, dear boy. We still haven’t found the best place for Norman. You’ll forget ugly old whatshername sooner than you think.
JERRY
She wants to talk.
ALASTAIR
Sucker.
GRACE
Fool.
COLETTE
Dreamer.
JERRY
Yes, this is Jerry..I’m getting.. fair hair? Long straight fair hair..five foot six..blue eyes..
COLETTE
You’ll only make yourself sick.
JERRY
A beautiful smile?..A sweet floral fragrance?
CHRISTOPHER
Marc Jacobs.
ALASTAIR
You really want to believe, don’t you? It nags at you.
JERRY
Salty skin. Salty, but soft and white.
CHRISTOPHER
She was rigorous in the sun. Blockout. Hat. Long sleeves.
That nagging is envy. Sadly, unbelievers envy believers.
Shudder.
We envy their vanity.
“Dark Forever”?
Vanity enables the fools to believe they are not alone.
Lapis Nefertiti earrings..I’m wrong. Only one Nefertiti.
Which ear?
Left.
The other one’s in the sand at Wanda. We dug up the entire beach looking for it.
I’m getting..a ladder..?
She’s run off with a fireman!
A very long ladder..
May I come in?
The jilted bride? Is it?
Back door, Christopher. Quick. She’s got a knife.
This can only end badly.
It’s good to see you. I’m surprised -
I’m confused, Chris. The car. Was it bad luck or good luck? For you, I mean.
Lost me.
You never really believed I’d beat it, did you? A fiancee without hair? Way too belief fatiguing. Tell me I’m wrong.
You’re not wrong.
You had me convinced for a while. Maybe even yourself? But in the end, you only believe bad news.
There were still a couple of months for a miracle to occur.
So. Bad luck. A couple of months, then you’re off the hook? Or good luck. We go out together. My money’s on bad.
It wasn’t luck. I swung the wheel.
I don’t believe you.
I ran us off the road.
You stacked the car.
Yes.
Deliberately.
Yes. For six hundred kilometres this voice in my head kept whispering “Do it. Yank the wheel.”
Why?
So we could go together.
She slaps him again.
I can’t live without her so I’ll run us into a tree? You wish. What bullshit.
You underestimate the profound negativity beneath the outward show of cock-eyed optimism.
Awesome, Chris. Wishful bullshit, in hindsight. Only you could come up with that. We were marrying because you believed it was only a three month commitment. Max.
No.
To do the right thing by the dying girl.
No.
You make me feel good, then you’re free. The car fucked up your plan. A ‘62 Valiant with faulty wipers and worn ball joints, held together with bog, ploughing through heavy rain on a notorious section of the Pacific Highway, it was a statistical certainty to kill us both.
Life is too long!
It was an accident, Chris.
An expressway flyover stops in mid-air. Half-completed concrete cores rise from drowned excavations in which marine squatters have established mini-Venices.
Shut up, Jerry, for fuck’s sake!
Big Pineapple and Big Beercan kiosks crumble in disrepair, crawling with naked vegan derelicts and the rats they refuse to eat. Loose iron bangs, razor-edged sheets scythe the air -
Gunships resembling giant dragonflies escort black articulated limousines from compound to compound. Explosions mark destruction of unaccompanied baggage. In a faraway field, a pair of lovers ride atop a hay-filled cart..
I found a cherub. Your cherub, daddy?
Let her go. You’re hurting her -
Is this your daddy, cherub?
No! He’s not my daddy! You told on me! You told on me!
No. I didn’t tell on you. I promise.
Did you tell on her? Did you break a promise, daddy?
He’s not my daddy!
Is that Peter’s sister?
Is Peter here? Where’s Peter?
Do we have another cherub?
There’s been a cock-up.
Indeed. I blame Eve.
Eve was a victim and you know it.
Then I blame the parents, fluoride, electromagnetic radiation and the freewheeling drug-addled 1960s.
Let her go. I’ll look after her.
No! I hate you! You told a lie!
Is this vile device (GameBoy) also yours? Please do not leave your toys on my floor in future.
The girl shouldn’t be here.
She’s not staying. Pretty as she is. She’s going to Girls’ Town.
Girl’s Town is a brand new town for girls with family problems.
She doesn’t have family problems. She should be with her brother.
Girls Town will toughen her up. It’s every woman for herself today.
Every Girls Town inmate is provided with a pram, made by the girls themselves in the Girls Town Workshop, to push around the exercise yard, an abandoned suburban railway platform, with a baby doll or two aboard.
I want to stay here. Please can I stay here? I promise I’ll be good.
You’ll have so much fun in Girls Town. They have so many toys there. And you’ll make lots and lots and lots of friends.
You’re going to love Girls Town. Love it. Love it.
Excuse me? The hand? The hand?
Let her stay. With me.
With you?
For how long? Your maximum commitment is..what? Who is this for, Chris? This show.
No! I’m not going! I’m not! Get away! Get away! I hate you! I hate you!
CHRISTINE approaches as JULIET starts to exhaust herself. Wrestles JULIET into her arms. Grips her, tightly. Waits.
It’s going to be all right. It’s going to be fine, sweetheart.
Will you let me look after you? I was sad too, once. Very sad. Do you know what I did? I pictured a big sheet of paper in my mind. And I took all the bad thoughts and wrapped them up in the paper and threw them in the rubbish bin. And I do that whenever I have bad thoughts. Then I tell myself to think about good things. Do you know what I discovered? If you think about good things, good things happen.
Will I get more toys?
If you want. But what about poor Peter? Isn’t he more important?
He got more toys than me.
I’m sure he didn’t. Toys aren’t important anyway, are they?
It’s love that’s important.
He always got new toys. I only got someone else’s. I hate Peter.
You don’t mean that, Juliet. I’m sure you don’t mean that.
I pretended.
I pretended.
Pretended what?
I pretended I was drowning. So Peter would jump in.
Peter’s death was an accident, Juliet. This isn’t a game.
I hate Peter.
You don’t really hate Peter, do you?
I killed him.
No, you didn’t, Juliet.
I did so! I did so kill Peter!
You did not kill him, It was an accident - !
Chris!
Sorry. Sorry. I’m sorry.
The man’s an animal, cherub.
We all had accidents. I accidentally swallowed two huge handfuls of Fentanyl.
I tumbled wrists-first onto an ex-husband’s heritage razor, twice, before accidentally falling asleep in an unfortunately positioned Victorian freestanding bath and slipping under pink-champagne-infused-warm-but-not-too-hot water. How silly am I?
I blew my brains out my ears with a line of coke like Moby Dick’s shit. Greed is a legitimate accident.
I was run over by my own jetski while on an Other Side party hook-up with Albert Einstein, Karl Marx and Hieronymous Bosch, after which the water ambulance hit the submerged wreck of a Japanese mini-submarine and catapulted me into the jaws of a resting bull shark.
Let’s get you to Girls Town before there’s another accident.
Gotcha now, missy she-devil.
I’ll kill you too!
Murderous little vixen.
She doesn’t know what she’s saying.
She knows. Matter is evil.
She’s six years old, for Christ’s sake!
Get away! Get away!
Get down from there this minute!! Do not touch that curtain!
Those curtains cost money!
Stay there. Stay there.
You can’t stay there forever.
You’ll come down when you’re hungry.
We’re having chocolate for dinner.
You’ll kill me? How magnificently hairy-chested.
Violence begets violence.
What sort of example are you setting the child?
Back off. Just back off.
We can’t make exceptions, sir. We’d get a flood of applicants. The system would collapse.
Life is too long!
One day I will find the other dimension and the people will follow me and we will live forever.
I have to go. Juliet? Do you want to come with me?
No.
Poor Peter, he really misses you.
I like it here.
Wait.
I have to go. You should have talked to me. On the road.
You were asleep.
(to others)
Back off.
It’s ok. I’m not going to hurt you. I want to be your friend. That’s all.
I’ll stay here. OK? I won’t come any closer.
(to those below)
Nothing to see here. Go away. You look very tired, sweetheart.
I’m not tired.
Wouldn’t you like a little sleep? I won’t let them come near you.
I’m not tired.
Would you like to hear a funny story, then?
How funny?
Very, very, very funny. This is a very, very, very funny story.. about..about The Happy Man. Have you heard about The Happy Man? The Happy Man, he was so happy he laughed all the time. Everywhere The Happy Man went, he laughed and laughed. Ha ha ha. Like that. He couldn’t stop laughing. Because everywhere he looked, everywhere in the whole world, he always saw something funny. Like those silly people down there. They would make The Happy Man laugh. Ha ha ha. They make me laugh. Do they make you laugh? Yes! So The Happy Man couldn’t stop laughing. Then one day, something very exciting happened..
I’m awake.
You know if you close your eyes you see the story too, as well as hear it.
My daddy sings to me.
You want me to sing?
The Happy Man, he met a little girl
The Happy Man, he met a little girl
You said that.
The little girl was sitting at the bottom of the world
The little girl..
The little girl..(lyrics tba)
As CHRISTOPHER continues, JULIET edges warily towards him. Eventually to climb onto his knee, and close her eyes.
While CHRISTOPHER’S vocal gains confidence. And he sings.
CHRISTOPHER (CONT’D)
If I had a second chance I’d choose
If I had a second chance I’d choose
To be a Happy Man who likes to sing the blues..
The Rose Wheel slows, and dims.
END OF PART 2
(c) Tim Gooding
June 2019