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TENTSHOW PAGLIACCI
by TIM GOODING
(c) Tim Gooding
18 April 2007
Characters
NEDDA
MOE
LARRY
CURLY
MAE
DORIS
PHYLLIS
ROBIN
STAN
OLLIE
CHARLIE
The plot is that of Leoncavallo's opera "IPagliacci".
Character Model Role
MOE,LARRY,CURLY....The Three Stooges....CANIO x 3
MAE.............................Mae West...................NEDDA
DORIS.........................Doris Day............ ...... NEDDA
PHYLLIS......................Phyllis Diller............... NEDDA
ROBIN.........................Robin Williams...........TONIO
STAN & OLLIE............Laurel & Hardy............BEPPE
CHARLIE....................Charlie Chaplin...........SILVIO
NEDDA - the original operatic character - also appears, as
she was, a traditional Commedia del'Arte Colombina.
ACT 1
Prologue
The interior of a large tent, pitched at The Entrance, NSW,
a seaside resort town, during the Christmas holiday period.
NEDDA enters, in costume and makeup of a Colombina. She
carries a plucked chicken. Clutching the poultry to her
bosom - Madonna and fowl - she executes a lifeless curtsey.
The overture to "I Pagliacci" rises.
NEDDA
Welcome, sweet ladies and
gentlemen.
Welcome, dear friends, to the
sleepy tent of fools.
Tonight, our story is true.
The tears of the actors are real.
The laughter is false.
For the hilarity of fools cloaks
broken hearts
Here in dusty shadows of the ring
Ah, think then, sweet people
When you look on them
Full cherry nose and rubber grin
In motley clad
Theirs are human hearts,
Pummelled by the punches of
passion.
Ah, think then, dear friends, and
smile sadly
These fools you see in sandy lots
along the coast
Or camped beside the river for a
Week
Their lowly holiday pantomime
Outdrawn by the ferris wheel
By waterslide and snow cones
They all are men and women like
you.
The overture swells. NEDDA exits.
Scene 1.
MOE, LARRY, and CURLY enter, in a march/skip fashion, MOE
leading. Each carries two large suitcases.
CURLY, at the rear, has difficulty in co-ordinating his
suitcases while keeping in step.
Becoming annoyed, he charges ahead. And bumps into LARRY.
Who bumps into MOE and jolts him abruptly forward.
MOE turns, slow-burning, and swings his cases into LARRY'S.
LARRY'S cases swing into CURLY'S. CURLY'S cases do not
swing back and topple him rearwards, as MOE intends, but
rather swing back then forward again. Into LARRY'S cases.
Which swing into MOE'S. And topple MOE backwards.
MOE
Oh, a smart Alec, eh?
CURLY
Physics, Moe!
MOE
Oh. Physics.
CURLY
Mm! Newton's Third Law of Motion.
LARRY
Action and reaction, Moe.
MOE
Action and reaction, eh? What's
this, boofhead?
He holds out his left hand in a fist, and points at it with
his right hand index finger.
CURLY
That's a finger.
MOE
(showing fist)
No, this!
CURLY
That?
MOE
This.
CURLY points a finger at MOE'S fist.
CURLY
Larry, what's this?
LARRY
That's a finger.
CURLY forms a left hand fist.
CURLY
No, this.
LARRY
That?
CURLY
This.
LARRY points a finger at CURLY'S fist.
LARRY
Hey, Moe. What's this?
MOE
That's a finger.
LARRY forms a left hand fist.
LARRY
No, this.
MOE
That?
LARRY
This.
MOE points a finger at LARRY'S fist.
MOE
Hey, Curly. What's this?
CURLY
Easy peasy, Moe. That's a fist.
Hit it.
MOE hits down on LARRY'S fist with his own. LARRY'S fist
circles vertically, coming down on CURLY'S fist. CURLY'S
fist circles, to come down on MOE'S head. MOE falls.
MOE
Oh, a smart Alec, eh?
CURLY
Physics, Moe! I couldn't help it.
It's Newton's Law. Don't hit me.
Think of your knuckles.
MOE
Hit you? I'm not going to hit
you. I'm laughing. Ha ha. Funny
routine. Ha ha. What say we put
it in the show tonight?
CURLY
Old Isaac was a real clown. Last
of the great stand up physicists.
LARRY
Tire of Einstein. Never tire of
Newton.
CURLY
Relativity? What's the joke? But
gravity! Ha ha ha! Gravity brings
tears to my eyes! Gravity!
(executes a pratfall)
Falls! Falls! Falls break me up!
Ha ha ha.
LARRY
Don't forget forces! What about
Newt's "external forces"! Pushes
and pulls! Ha ha.
CURLY
What about..ha ha..what about..ha
ha..what about..ha ha haaa..
He cracks up.
LARRY
Say it! Say it!
CURLY
Objects in motion! Plucked
chickens! Custard pies!
LARRY
Anvils!
CURLY
Cannon balls!
LARRY
Yes! Collisions! Between moving
and stationary objects. Soda in
the dial! Pies in the moosh!
Always get a laugh. Always!
CURLY
Bigger laugh: a collision,
followed by a fall! Can't top a
collision followed by a fall.
LARRY
Yes, you can. Newt's coop of
grace: Inertia.
LARRY stands stock still. Tries not to giggle.
CURLY
Inertia.
CURLY stands stock still. Tries not to giggle.
MOE
(unamused)
What's keeping the wives?
CURLY
Can't be our salaries. Yuk yuk.
MOE
You're a wonder, Curly. Laughing
in the face of marital
infidelity.
CURLY
(double take)
Ha ha. In the face of what?
LARRY
Moe. Not now.
MOE
Laughing on the outside, crying
on the inside. You're a better
clown than me, Gunga Din. I
wouldn't be laughing if I was
married to her.
CURLY
What are you on about? What's he
on about?
MOE
Nothing. Ignorance is bliss,
little brother. You and Phyllis
still sleeping on separate Li
los? In her defence, he did ply
her with Dim Sims and Passiona
first. Robin.
CURLY
Robin?
MOE
Probably a completely innocent
tongue kiss.
LARRY
Don't mess with his mind, Moe.
Not his mind.
CURLY clutches his head in accelerating anguish.
MOE
She must reckon you're a dill or
something. Boy is she wrong!
You're a professional dill. The
show must go on! Offstage and on,
twenty four/seven, the cuckolded
clown keeps laughing! Ha ha ha!
As his one and only girl plunges
into the arms of her wisecracking
lover - ha ha ha! As the knives
of betrayal plunge into the
clown's back - ha ha ha! As the
image of them coupling burns his
brain and the Green Eyed Monster
chews holes in his heart, the
professional fool keeps on
laughing. Ha ha ha!
CURLY drops to the ground and spins horizontally.
CURLY
Fool! Fool! Fool!
CURLY stops spinning, and goes rigid, eyes closed.
LARRY
Couldn't you just hit him?
MOE
Not such a smart Alec now.
LARRY
Is it true? Phyllis and Robin?
MOE
Newton's First Law of Jealousy.
Jealousy is directly proportional
to imagination.
LARRY
Curly? Good news. It's all in
your imagination.
MOE
Tell him to wake up: the stage
and life are different.
LARRY
Wake up. The stage and life are
different.
MOE
Then again, who'd be happy
married to a dill like him? Mrs
No-one. Congress of the Weasel is
bound to happen sometime. The
milkman, the butcher, the postie,
the fellow cast member.
Temptation lurks everywhere for
the cheese and kisses of a
(in CURLY'S face)
Fat Fool.
LARRY slaps CURLY'S face, pokes his eyes, pulls his hair,
bites his nose, to revive him. CURLY remains comatose.
LARRY
Can't raise him.
MOE
Neither could his mother.
Numbskull! What's he playing at?
He throws this same tired old fit
in every seaside resort from Eden
to Tweed Heads.
LARRY
You rev him up in every seaside
resort from Eden to Tweed Heads.
MOE
He annoys me in every seaside
resort from Eden to Tweed Heads.
Neweton's Second law of Jealousy.
It's his fault.
LARRY
We should sit him up before
Phyllis gets back.
They sit CURLY up. He slumps forward.
LARRY
Curly. Enough's enough.
MOE
Smart Alec.
LARRY
Clever Dick.
MOE
Twerp.
LARRY
Poltroon.
MOE
Pinhead.
LARRY
Prawn.
MOE
Flathead.
LARRY
Mullet.
MOE
Jellyfish.
LARRY
Anchovy.
MOE
Galah.
LARRY
Galoot.
The routine becomes musical, accompanied by a little dance.
MOE
Peabrain.
MOE
Drongo.
LARRY
Nongo.
MOE
Dubbo.
LARRY
Cobar.
MOE
Bourke.
LARRY
Wills.
MOE
Pill.
LARRY
Dill.
MOE
Pickle.
LARRY
Gherkin.
The routine ends as they collide with each other.
MOE
Numbskull. What's this, boofhead?
LARRY
That's a finger, Moe.
MOE
And what's this?
LARRY
That's another finger.
MOE pokes LARRY'S eyes.
LARRY
Thanks, Moe. I needed that.
MOE
So did I. Leave the insults to me
in future.
MAE, DORIS, PHYLLIS, ROBIN - his arms round the women -
enter.
MOE and LARRY spread their arms, anticipating embrace.
MOE
Mae!
LARRY
Doris!
The women stop in their tracks, still in ROBIN'S arms.
ROBIN
Good morning, The Entrance!
(sings)
"I feel good, na na na na na na."
You're with The Over The Hill
Performing Group, coming at you
from the sin city of the Central
Coast Over 65s! Good morning,
Tuggerah Lake! Live under canvas
from yet another Twilight Village
with ocean views and a bowlo! I
can't take it any more! The ties!
The socks! The hearing aids!
Sardony: that's a form of humour.
(seagull squawk)
Incoming! Why am I here? Taxi!
Follow that walking frame!
Doctor! Touring has become a
blur. A turbid miasma of seniors
card discounts and oversized
chemist shops in a string of Last
Resorts with ocean views and
bowlos stretching from Eden to
Tweed Heads! Double my dose, doc!
Good morning Port Macquarie! Give
me a handful of anything
stupefying!
(seagull squawk)
Incoming! Good morning Sussex
Inlet!
(seagull squawk)
Incoming! Good morning Shoalhaven
Heads! Great times! Great
memories! Where else can retired
couples play bingo and contract
tinea at the same time? Two Fat
Ladies with Athlete's Foot! Good
morning Brunswick Heads! Where
else can Third Agers play bingo,
have a bad fall at KB5 on the
giant outdoor chessboard, and
forget their spouse's name at the
same time? Sixty six clicketty
clicks, madame your hip
replacement is ready, watch out
for rogue bishops in future, are
you the Whipper Snipper man? Good
morning Forster Tuncurry!
Breaking news. Mature age feral
bingo psychos cross out the
numbers on every letterbox in
town. Heads down! Top up your
super! Charge your pacemakers!
Purple Haze up in my brain! Blue
rinse up in my hair! Warning!
Pelicans, six o'clock. Why am I
here? Taxi! Follow that mini bus
with wheelchair access!
MOE
Darling!
LARRY
Sweetheart!
The women continue to resist embracing their husbands.
ROBIN
Newsflash. Beep beep. ABC theme.
Something has happened here! Hard
to believe. It's taken thirty
years but something has happened
here! We are present in all our
faded glory but where is everyone
else? Where are the shonky
sideshows of yesteryear? Where's
the Shark Museum? Where's the
Mirror Maze? Where are the flirty
boys and girls of dubious
parentage who ask you to the
outdoor flicks only to do you
behind the Crazy House?
Where's Dirty Dolores and her
hipsy wipsy woos? Where's Tent
City and The Ten Thousand Low
Income Undesirables Under Canvas?
Where's Mr Whippy's friendly,
choc-topped, soft and slushy
pedophile van, luring its prey
with Greensleeves? Where's
Playland Amusement Arcade
Marijuana Mart? Where has all the
itinerant holiday sleaze gone,
long time passing? Revitalised!
Revitalised all! On a maritime
theme! With paved Memorial Park!
Plus inflatable castle and
pelican feeding twice a day for
the grandkids! And at night, its
clubs, clubs, clubs! Go hog wild
with bingo, keno, meato raffleo,
TABo, Texas Hold-Emo, and a
schnitzel and fish nighto.
Troupers! We are thespian relics!
We are a bygone era! We are silly
old fruits rotting in the compost
of histrionic history!
(sings)
"We gotta get out of this place!"
Taxi! Follow that hearse with the
nice young driver!
MOE
Cherry Blossom!
LARRY
Lotus Petal!
MAE and DORIS reluctantly embrace their husbands.
MAE
Is that a jumbuck in your
tuckerbag or are you just glad to
see me?
ROBIN
Sexual innuendo. That's a form of
humour.
MAE covertly indicates - fingers down throat? - her
distaste at the love games she must play with MOE.
DORIS sings, ruefully, over her shoulder.
DORIS
(sings)
Once I had a secret love, that
lived inside the heart of me..
While ROBIN moves in for a kiss behind LARRY'S back.
ROBIN
They're bored, they're sexy,
they're married to clowns. I'm a
diabetic in a lolly shop and
(sings)
"I like it, I like it, yes I do!"
DORIS dances away from ROBIN, ham-flirtatious.
ROBIN
"I'm not that kind of ham."
That's another form of humour.
PHYLLIS
Curly? Curly is extremely shy
about showing affection in
public. In private it blossoms
into an open show of escalating
embarrassment. Ah ha ha ha!
ROBIN puts his arm around PHYLLIS.
ROBIN
She's funky, she's spunky, she
married a monkey. Now's our
chance, baby. Let's slip away to
the Gold Coast. I'll show you the
Big Banana. The Big Pineapple?
The Big Stump Jump Plough?
PHYLLIS removes his arm, with disdain.
LARRY
He's breathing. Or his nose is
leaking.
PHYLLIS
He's assumed the Pump Up The Li
Lo position. I put the nozzle in
his mouth, my foot on his
stomach, and a dance track on the
CD player. Ah ha ha ha! What did
you do to him?
MOE
Nothing. He threw another of his
turns.
PHYLLIS
He has powerful arms. It happens
every time he pulls his belt off
quickly. Ah ha ha ha. Curly? I
have this effect on him. The
TseTse Fly of the boudoir. Ah ha
ha.
ROBIN
Self deprecation. That's a form
of humour.
MAE
Don't put yourself down so much,
honey. That's men's work.
PHYLLIS
I'm too humble. You know why I'm
so humble? Mirrors! Ah ha ha!
LARRY
He thinks you're running off with
Robin.
PHYLLIS
Robin? Ah ha ha ha.
DORIS
(sings/dances)
Now I shout it from the highest
hills
Even told the golden daffodils..
LARRY
He's a mess of insecurities. He's
convinced you'll run off with
someone some day.
PHYLLIS
But Robin? Ah ha ha ha.
DORIS
(sings)
At last, my heart's an open door,
My secret love's no secret any
more.
LARRY
He takes the role of Pagliaccio
to heart. He's a method cuckold.
PHYLLIS
Robin? Ah ha ha ha.
MOE
Newton's First Law of Insecurity:
anything's possible. Poor bloke
thinks you'll leave him just
because he's a manic depressive
knucklehead with no money or
prospects, prone to violence,
jealousy, fitting, bodily
contortion and strange grunts and
squeals.
PHYLLIS
Baby, there's nothing between me
and Robin. Robin? Ah ha ha ha.
I'd rather mud wrestle a Banksia
Man. Curly?
LARRY
He's under a lot of pressure.
MOE
Get him a lighter hat.
DORIS
Light green would be nice.
PHYLLIS
I've been at the beach, baby. I
had a lousy time. When I lay on
the sand a man threw me in the
water for his labrador to fetch.
Ah ha ha ha..!
No response from CURLY.
PHYLLIS
He might've hit his head.
MOE
We would've heard it. This Green
Eyed Monster routine is starting
to wind me up. Everywhere we go!
He stirs up more panic than a
dead cat in the Mirror Maze. Last
night, Paradise Park in Toukley.
The night before, the Bali Hai in
Budgewoi..
LARRY picks up the rhythm. The routine becomes a song,
accompanied by a little dance.
LARRY
Shangri-La in Forster.
MOE
Satori in Tuncurry.
LARRY
Nirvana in Umina.
MOE
Utopia in Ourimbah.
LARRY/MOE
Oh, Paradise Park in Toukley
The Bali-Hai in Budgewoi
Shangri-La in Forster
Satori in Tuncurry
Nirvana in Umina
Utopia in Ourimbah..
Ending as they collide with each other.
MOE
Peabrain.
MOE pokes LARRY in the eyes.
ROBIN
Mindless violence. That's a form
of humour.
MAE
Moe. Sugar me an ant. Make it a
bulljoe.
MOE exits.
PHYLLIS
Tired of this game, Curly. Not
playing any more. Curly? There is
no-one else. There is no-one
else!
MOE enters, splashes a bucket of water over CURLY.
CURLY
(to ROBIN)
You! You! You!
CURLY snorts, bull-like, stamps feet, stomach butts ROBIN.
CURLY
Stay away from her, sleazebag!
MOE douses CURLY with another bucket of water. ROBIN exits.
PHYLLIS
Curly!
LARRY
The show doesn't start till
seven.
PHYLLIS
It's only a play. There is no-one
else.
CURLY
(calming)
It's only a play.
NEDDA'S Act I aria from I Pagliacci - latter portion, from
"stridono lassu" - rises.
MOE
You coming to the pub?
CURLY
OK!
CURLY - fully revived - grins cheekily, waves at PHYLLIS.
CURLY, MOE, LARRY exit. MAE and DORIS exit, opposite.
PHYLLIS lingers, in a single spot, downstage.
Seagulls cry, sporadically, as she speaks.
PHYLLIS
High aloft they fly
Launched in flight through
heaven's blue ether
Arrows of light in the sky
Defying storm clouds, tempest,
sunlight
Flying forever through boundless
sky
Ever afar, up and onward forever
On! Never wearying, unchained
wings unfolding
ROBIN enters, unseen, and listens.
PHYLLIS
They have their visions, tender
beautiful visions
Soaring forever through golden
clouds
Though the wind howls and night
is dark above
Spreading their wings by plant
and star
No night dismays them, no storm
delays them
Soaring forever over sea and scar
Far! Oh so Far! Flying on wings
untiring
Seeking sweet regions they may
never know
What can bar their dreams and
desires?
Fate, fate leads them. Onward
still! They go! Onward still!
They go!
Scene 2.
The sound of waves breaking, gulls crying.
STAN and OLLIE enter, sit on suitcases, heads in hands.
OLLIE
Stanley. You've lost us again.
STAN scratches his head.
OLLIE
Will you stop doing that!
STAN starts to cry.
OLLIE
And stop that blubbering too.
What time is it?
STAN
(realising)
I've lost my watch! My watch - !
OLLIE
It certainly seems to be your day
for losing things. Merciful
heavens! What a contretemps!
Perhaps it fell off as you fed
the last of our per diems to the
Laughing Clowns.
STAN
Me? I? But you..
OLLIE discovers his fob watch is also missing.
OLLIE
Stanley! My watch is missing!
You've lost my watch too! This is
another fine mess you've gotten
us into.
STAN
Me? I? But you..
OLLIE slow burns. Then hits STAN. STAN kicks OLLIE'S rear.
OLLIE
Stanley! I am not going to fight
with you.
STAN takes a pair of scissors, cuts OLLIE'S tie in half,
and nods, as if to say: "so there".
OLLIE takes the scissors, cuts STAN'S tie in half, nods.
STAN takes the scissors and severs OLLIE'S braces. OLLIE'S
trousers fall. STAN nods.
CHARLIE enters. Watches.
OLLIE cuts STAN'S braces. STAN'S trousers fall. OLLIE then
rips STAN'S shirtfront open. And nods.
ROBIN enters.
ROBIN
Reciprocal destruction. That's a
form of humour.
ROBIN exits, with a sideways glance at CHARLIE.
STAN/OLLIE'S reciprocal destruction continues. When they
are all but undressed, OLLIE notices CHARLIE, watching.
OLLIE
Stanley. We are under
observation.
STAN gives "the finger" to CHARLIE.
OLLIE
Stanley! Merciful heavens! What
an imbroglio! Perhaps this kind
gentleman may be prevailed upon
to aid us in our timekeeping
predicament. Pardon me, my good
man. My impolite friend and I are
travelling players, and hence
newcomers to your fine coastal
village. I wonder, as an aperitif
of information, could you please
inform us of the time?
No response from CHARLIE.
OLLIE
I wonder, good sir, could you
tell us the time? The time? We
have a show to perform at seven.
Might a brace of complimentary
tickets assist our transaction?
STAN produces tickets. CHARLIE stuffs them in a pocket.
OLLIE
You're not foreign, are you?
Bongiorno? Domo origato? Jumbo,
bwana? Inky pinkey parlez-vous?
Dear me, Stanley, I believe the
poor chap is deaf and dumb. I
shall attempt conversation by
alternate means.
OLLIE bows. CHARLIE doffs his hat.
OLLIE
Words are but an extravagance,
Stanley. An extravagance.
OLLIE taps his wrist, indicating "wristwatch"
CHARLIE kisses OLLIE'S hand.
OLLIE
An asylum seeker.
STAN
A deaf and dumb asylum seeker.
OLLIE
There'll be a wretchedly
unseaworthy boat beached here
somewhere. And we think we are
lost. I am Oliver. This is
Stanley. Do you perchance have
the time?
OLLIE taps his wrist.
CHARLIE kisses his hand again.
OLLIE taps his wrist vigorously.
CHARLIE kisses OLLIE'S hand vigorously.
OLLIE elaborately mimes "checking the time", referencing
the sun, hands of a big clock, etc. CHARLIE mimics OLLIE.
Their combined actions become a pas de deux, of sorts.
MAE, DORIS, PHYLLIS, enter. Note STAN/OLLIE'S undress.
DORIS adopts hammy, hands-on-hips, "outraged tomboy" pose.
DORIS
Well, if you two don't take the
cake, I'm not Rock Hudson's
beard!
MAE
You're not a tailor, are you?
CHARLIE nods.
STAN
He can't hear a word you're
saying.
CHARLIE shakes his head.
STAN
He's a deaf and dumb asylum
seeker.
CHARLIE suddenly takes PHYLLIS in his arms and kisses her
passionately. She struggles in his grip.
PHYLLIS
Yikes! Steady on! Steady on!
Steady on, dude!
DORIS moves into a second hands-on-hips stance.
DORIS
Well, if this doesn't beat all,
I'm not a married virgin with six
kids by different fathers!
MAE
I see you two know each other. Do
I know you too?
CHARLIE shakes his head.
PHYLLIS
He's in the front row every
night.
DORIS
(sings)
You made me love you, I didn't
want to do it..
PHYLLIS
Shut up, Doris. I'll deck you.
CHARLIE embraces PHYLLIS again. Kisses her neck.
PHYLLIS
Yikes!
MAE
How long has this been going on?
PHYLLIS
We're friends. I talk. He
listens.
MAE
The perfect couple.
PHYLLIS jumps, removes CHARLIE'S hand from her back pocket.
PHYLLIS
Short, are we?
CHARLIE displays numerous empty pockets. Then drops to his
knees and wordlessly declares his love, repeatedly.
PHYLLIS
No, you do not. We're friends.
Get up.
DORIS
We're leaving town tomorrow.
PHYLLIS
Ssh.
DORIS
Better get a move on.
MAE
Can you handle a broom, lover
boy?
PHYLLIS
Mae? No.
MAE
We need a good factotum.
(to PHYLLIS)
Especially you.
(to CHARLIE)
Broom? Sweep? Money?
MAE mimes sweeping - sexily - for payment.
MAE
Oh Mae, how many men have you
swept off your feet?
PHYLLIS
Mae. He's not my lover. We just
talk.
MAE
Red, white, and green tent, seven
o'clock. Don't be late. It's a
long time since Phyllis's
furniture was dusted.
CHARLIE pulls up his sleeve, revealing an armload of
watches, and sets numerous alarms.
STAN taps OLLIE on the shoulder: do you see what I see?
STAN and OLLIE'S eyes narrow. They fold their arms, tap
their fingers, wait for CHARLIE to realise he is tumbled.
CHARLIE realises, doffs his hat, pinches PHYLLIS'S rear -
PHYLLIS
Yikes!
- gives "the finger" to STAN and exits at pace. STAN and
OLLIE exit in pursuit.
PHYLLIS
It's not going to happen.
DORIS
(sings)
Que sera sera, whatever will be..
MAE, DORIS, PHYLLIS exit.
Scene 3.
Night. NEDDA - in guise of a fortune teller - sits at a
small table, lit by a kerosene lamp, dealing cards.
NEDDA
Red king. Black queen. Jack of
hearts. Here he comes. Ssh..
CURLY enters.
NEDDA
Ah. Pagliaccio.
CURLY
(as 'hello')
Pagliaccio!
NEDDA
We've been expecting you,
Pagliaccio.
CURLY
(in fear)
Na-a-ah.
NEDDA
Sit down, Pagliaccio.
CURLY sits.
NEDDA
On the chair.
CURLY sits on the chair. Jumps in fright. The plucked
chicken is on the chair.
CURLY
Your cushion needs recovering.
NEDDA
(shuffling cards)
Times are hard.
CURLY
Sorry, lady. I sat on your pet.
NEDDA
No matter. Chanticleer is dead.
CURLY
Na-a-ah.
NEDDA
My name is Nedda. I am a
Colombina.
CURLY
I'm Curly. I'm an asthmatic.
NEDDA
I know all about you, Pagliaccio.
For I was killed by passion. A
Pagliaccio's passion. Cut.
She places the pack of cards before CURLY. He cuts. NEDDA
deals nine cards, face down.
NEDDA
I have come to warn you,
Pagliaccio. Tragedy lies ahead.
CURLY
You've seen the show.
NEDDA
You must not perform tonight.
CURLY
Moe says we need all the fruit
and eggs we can get. You're fond
of that chicken, aren't you?
NEDDA
Rooster.
CURLY
Rooster.
NEDDA
One gets lonely. Chanticleer was
a gift. From a clown. In another
time.
NEDDA pats the chicken. It appears to jump.
NEDDA
Chanticleer possesses occult
powers. The secret is in the
basting. Embalming fluid.
Chanticleer was plucked and
anointed by Egyptian virgins
before being buried alive with
his master, the court jester, in
Nefertiti's royal tomb, but he
kicked his way out of the
afterlife - observe the
drumsticks!
- and fled to Israel to be the
very cock who crowed thrice when
Peter denied Christ thrice - the
only fowl in the Middle East who
could count - whence,
disillusioned, he fled to Europe,
fell in with gypsies -
vegetarians - suffered a series
of disastrous love affairs with
French hens, scratched around
Versailles looking at himself in
mirrors, gained selection as
mascot to all France, became
impossibly vain, pursued a career
in the theatre, was typecast in
Passion Plays, decided his forte
was comedy and joined a touring
Commedia del'Arte troupe, happily
passing the rest of his days as
Arlecchino's prop. Watch closely.
She grasps the chicken by the drumsticks. It levitates.
CURLY
Na-a-ah.
NEDDA
I use him to divine soup.
CHANTICLEER rises, circles CURLY, lands on his shoulder.
NEDDA
Chanticleer likes you.
CHANTICLEER taps CURLY's shoulder. He does not respond.
CHANTICLEER slaps him across the face.
NEDDA
He wants you to take the
controls. Chanticleer wishes to
tell you something.
CURLY
Are you sure?
CHANTICLEER slaps CURLY again.
NEDDA
Sure as eggs.
CHANTICLEER slaps NEDDA.
NEDDA
Sorry, old cock. Chanticleer is
touchy about his masculinity.
CHANTICLEER suddenly flies from NEDDA'S hands, into
CURLY'S. CURLY careers wildly under CHANTICLEER'S power.
CURLY
Is it winter? He's flying north!
NEDDA
You are being tested, Pagliaccio.
CURLY and CHANTICLEER execute several aerial manouevres,
before CHANTICLEER hovers above the cards on the table.
NEDDA
Pick a card. Any card.
CURLY indicates a card.
CURLY
That one.
CHANTICLEER hits him, reprovingly.
CURLY
All right, that one.
CHANTICLEER hits him again.
CURLY
Na-ah! That one?
And again.
CURLY
Mmm! Mmm! That one then!
Once more.
CURLY
OK, smart cock, you pick.
CHANTICLEER pounds a card.
CURLY
Are you sure?
CHANTICLEER hits him again. CURLY turns the card.
NEDDA
The Ace of Spades.
CURLY
Is that bad?
CHANTICLEER hits CURLY in the head and stomach, pokes him
in the eyes, whirls him round, throws him to the floor.
NEDDA
I tried to warn you. The Ace of
Spades is the card of death.
CURLY
Who's going to die?
NEDDA
Someone close to you.
CURLY
You?
NEDDA
I am close but someone is closer.
CURLY
I didn't pick the card of death.
He did! Chanticleer picked it.
NEDDA
Chanticleer is a medium.
CURLY
Medium schmedium. Your stupid
bald rooster picked the card of
death, lady. You can't fool me.
It's rigged! He's already dead!
He drops CHANTICLEER and exits.
NEDDA
Pagliaccio!
CURLY
(as "goodbye")
Pagliaccio!
NEDDA retrieves CHANTICLEER.
NEDDA
We try our best, Chanticleer.
CHANTICLEER knocks her unconscious.
Scene 4.
The tent, backstage. MAE, DORIS, PHYLLIS dress for the
performance.
MAE
Oh my god oh my god oh my god. I
look a thousand years old.
DORIS
You look absolutely beautiful.
MAE
Look at this old, old face. Old
old old. Oh my god oh my god oh
my god.
DORIS
This morning the ticket man said
you looked more beautiful than
he's ever seen you.
MAE
What did the ticket man say about
me?
DORIS
He said you looked more beautiful
than he's ever seen you.
MAE
Really? More beautiful? Really?
DORIS
Really. More beautiful. Really.
MAE
You tell the ticket man I think
he's a doll too.
PHYLLIS
I have crow's feet. On the end of
my legs. Ah ha ha ha. You think
this is my hair? It's my nerve
ends.
MAE
Charlie will relax you.
PHYLLIS
It's not going to happen, Mae.
DORIS
(sings)
Que sera sera..
PHYLLIS
Shut up, Doris. Curly'd go off
like a New Years Eve cracker. He
already has too many lumps on his
head. When a phrenologist
attempted a reading he retired
hurt with gravel rash on his
palms. Ah ha ha ha.
MAE
What he doesn't know won't hurt
him. You're an actress, aren't
you?
PHYLLIS
I'd tell him. If it happened.
Which it won't.
MAE
He doesn't want to know, petal.
DORIS
They say they want the truth but
they don't. Larry went round the
twist when I told him.
PHYLLIS
You?
DORIS
Me. The married virgin adultress.
Once. Larry was touring without
me. I shouldn't have told him. We
never got over it.
(sings)
Tell me now, I've got to know
Whether you want me to stay or go
Love me or leave me and let me be
lonely..
MAE
I knew I was destined for a
string of affairs on my wedding
night. I encountered Moe's
Dobermann Pinscher print pyjamas
It's not a big deal, Phyll
sweetheart. We can keep a secret,
can't we, Doris?
PHYLLIS
He'll find out. I have bad luck.
When I was fourteen I was
molested in Broken Hill and got
arrested for interfering with a
miner. Ah ha ha. Know how I
caught Curly? Shotgun marriage.
Dad said he'd blow my head off if
I didn't marry someone quick
smart. Ah ha ha ha.
MAE
Are you finished?
PHYLLIS
I'm not as unlucky as my sister
Chenille. As in bedspread. She
has facial hair. When she tried
electrolysis she blacked out
south west Sydney.
MAE
Finished?
PHYLLIS
I did have an accidental affair.
In a park. A weirdo fell out of a
tree and landed on top of me. He
was terribly apologetic. The
branch broke. Ah ha ha.
MAE
Finished? Curly is already
curdled with pre-emptive
jealousy. He needs a reason. Give
him one.
ROBIN enters, with a pillow and rope. And bottle. He has
been drinking.
DORIS stands, hands on hips, aggrieved.
DORIS
Robin. Please knock before you
enter.
ROBIN
Do we have secrets, do we?
DORIS
(sings)
Pillow talk, pillow talk..
ROBIN
I require assistance with my
humping. Double entendre. That's
a form of humour.
DORIS helps tie the pillow on ROBIN'S back.
ROBIN
Are we doing anything after the
show, ladies?
DORIS
We are bowing.
ROBIN
I thought we might steal away to
an adult location for a little
guilt-free sexual adventuring.
You are unhappy, ladies. Why not
push back the frontiers of
coupledom with Don Juan di
Viscount Millard Winnebago,
Casanova of the Caravan Parks?
PHYLLIS
I have a lot of beauty sleep to
catch up on, Quasimodo. Ah ha ha.
ROBIN
Harmless lewdness behind your
husband's backs is all I propose.
Group Twister with no clothes.
Nude Mormon For A Night. Back to
the free lovin' 70s without the
nightmare stench of sandalwood.
DORIS
Robin. You've been drinking.
ROBIN
Constantly. Heavily. Lovingly. I
wash down my smorgasbord of
medication. Ro-eys, moggies,
seccies, percodies, barbies.
Mayday! I'm marooned on a
psychotropic island. I send a
message in a bottle on the hour,
every hour: "Wanted: Girls girls
girls! Help a confused Satyr
convince himself he's not gay!
Industrial strength proof
required, in bulk. Apply Lost
Comic, All At Sea". Safety in
numbers, girls. No-one need feel
left out. How about it? I love
you all. Incoming!
ROBIN lurches at MAE, to kiss her. MAE throws him off.
MAE
Back to your bells, Quasimodo.
Your dingaling doesn't ring my
thing.
ROBIN
Treat em mean and keep em keen!
(sings)
"You just keep me hanging on."
Incoming!
ROBIN jumps DORIS, with similar intent. She repels him.
DORIS
Ugh! Don't touch me! I'm a
virgin!
ROBIN
Ham-next-door in moral danger.
That's a form of humour.
DORIS
You have a nerve, Robin!
MAE
And I know where it is.
ROBIN
Phyllis. How about a kiss? Just a
kiss. Give me a kiss.
He throws himself upon PHYLLIS.
PHYLLIS
Yikes! Down, Rover, down!
MAE and DORIS drag ROBIN off.
PHYLLIS
Get the mud! Get the Banksia Man!
Ah ha ha ha.
ROBIN
Just a little itty bitty kiss,
babe - !
He lurches at PHYLLIS again. She slaps him.
ROBIN
You don't understand. I love you.
I love you all! I can prove it!
All we have to do is take off our
clothes!
MAE and DORIS slap ROBIN, in turn.
MAE/DORIS
Get more mud! Get three Banksia
Men! Ah ha ha ha.
ROBIN
Don't laugh at me. Don't you
laugh at me.
CHARLIE enters, in a dressing gown, sweeping.
ROBIN
Don't you dare laugh at me.
ROBIN eyeballs CHARLIE. CHARLIE sweeps on. ROBIN exits.
CHARLIE doffs his hat to PHYLLIS. Underneath are 3 roses.
PHYLLIS
How long since you washed your
hair?
CHARLIE presents the roses to PHYLLIS. She backs away,
reluctant to take them. CHARLIE follows her.
PHYLLIS
My husband's ears are so dirty he
grows potatoes in them.
He hears with an Irish accent and
sees a specialist every six
months to be harvested. Ah ha ha
ha.
CHARLIE corners PHYLLIS. Thrusts the roses at her.
CHARLIE
(in one breath)
There you go, gorgeous, freshly
nicked from a garden down the
road, yeah, the old Akubra comes
in handy sometimes, yeah, silly
old bugger saw me but he rolled
his motorised wheelchair on a
tight bend -
He demonstrates turning a corner on the run, Chaplin style.
ROBIN enters, in shadow. He lingers, unseen, observing.
CHARLIE
- and I won't stay long, just
sweeping the stage before you
fairies do your dance, but thanks
for the job, I really need the
brass, haven't seen hide nor hair
of tucker in days, on the run
from some mad sheila with a
vicious chook from up the coast,
but so bugger me what she's on
about, and but I've also gotta
give that fella in the other
dressing room a miss, the thin
dandruffy one, Stan, yeah, Stan,
reckons I nicked his watch -
(checks arm of watches)
- but even if I did it doesn't
work anyway, but his slow fat
mate keeps following me real
close and stepping in my dirt,
and but that mean-looking one
with the Matilda strapped to his
back keeps giving me the hairy
eyeball, but I'm only trying to
do my job and what'd I ever do to
him, so I reckon he's onto us,
gorgeous, but anyway your old man
doesn't bother me, he just keeps
hitting himself and thumping his
brothers and making real weird
noises like a cow in lucerne, and
he won't mind I borrowed his
dressing gown, will he, so what I
reckon is, if you're a drifter
like me, a bit of a bum, let's
face it, people are always
getting on your back about
something when all you're trying
to do is rustle up a few bucks to
feed yourself, and keep your eye
on the ball, which is to get love
where you can find it, so what
I'm saying is, will you come away
with me tonight?
PHYLLIS
You speak.
CHARLIE
A bloke doesn't come across a
bird worth talking to every day.
Don't mind they're nicked, do
you?
PHYLLIS
A nicked rose smells sweeter than
a bought rose.
CHARLIE
So how about it? Hit the dusty
trail with me? Tonight?
PHYLLIS
Don't tempt me.
MAE
Tempt her. Tempt her.
CHARLIE
Show you a good time, gorgeous.
Inland. The open road. The wide
brown land. Beats poofy pantos in
twilight villages. You with me?
PHYLLIS
This is madness.
NEDDA enters, disguised as a mother, with swaddled baby.
She knocks ROBIN over in her haste. He exits.
NEDDA
(to CHARLIE)
You! You! Oh father! Your child!
Your six week old baby son! Your
child which you have not seen! Oh
father! Come home!
CHARLIE
Oh, come on, lady, not you again,
what are you on about? That's not
my baby.
NEDDA
Oh shield your innocent eyes,
your unscaled ears, my baby son.
Come home, father, please!
CHARLIE
That's not my baby. I swear on a
stack of Bibles higher than Mount
Kosciusko -
NEDDA
I may forgive you, but will the
child, when he is teased in the
playground? Who will take the boy
hunting and fishing?
CHARLIE
If I had a baby, I'd do the right
thing, may I burn in hell if I
lie, but that's not my baby.
NEDDA
Who will take him to the SCG?
CHARLIE
Jesus, lady, fair crack of the
whip, you see what I mean? Always
after you for something, always
on your flaming back -
NEDDA
Beautiful lady, please, give me
back my husband and the child his
father -
CHARLIE rips off the baby's clothing to reveal CHANTICLEER.
CHARLIE
That's not my baby!
NEDDA
Go for the throat, Chanticleer.
CHANTICLEER - in NEDDA'S grip - attacks CHARLIE. CHARLIE
hides behind PHYLLIS. Fracas ensues.
CHARLIE falls and drags PHYLLIS to the ground with him.
ROBIN and CURLY enter.
ROBIN
Ha! See! See!
CHARLIE conceals his face behind his hat.
CURLY emits a strange wounded elongated howl.
PHYLLIS
Curly -
CURLY
MOE! LARRY! Help! Drop the
spaghetti - !
CURLY exits, followed by ROBIN.
PHYLLIS
(pushing CHARLIE out)
Make yourself scarce. Go, go!
CHARLIE
Midnight. Behind the Carousel
PHYLLIS
Midnight. Behind the Carousel.
She pushes him out as CURLY, MOE, LARRY, ROBIN enter.
ROBIN
Ha! There!
They chase CHARLIE, foul each other, and fall over.
NEDDA
Which way, Chanticleer? Which
way?
CHANTICLEER divines the direction to be taken. NEDDA exits.
ROBIN laughs, darkly amused.
PHYLLIS
Snake.
MOE exits in pursuit of CHARLIE. LARRY peers after MOE.
CURLY runs in circles.
LARRY
Attaboy Moe! Curly, Moe's got
him!
CURLY hits his head on a wall, repeatedly.
LARRY
There goes Moe with a left hook.
There goes Moe with a right
cross. There goes Moe with an
uppercut.
(following trajectory)
There goes Moe.
PHYLLIS
Curly - it's nothing -
CURLY
Get away from me!
PHYLLIS
It's all in your head.
CURLY stops hitting his head. He stands, head bowed and
resting against the wall.
MOE staggers in.
LARRY
Did you see his face, Moe?
MOE
He had his hat over it. But I got
his dressing gown.
LARRY
Is there a name in it?
MOE
Stand back, boofhead. You're in
the light. Aha! Aha! There is
something..can you make it out?
LARRY
Onkaparinga. A scotsman, eh?
MOE
Numbskull! Give me that. Yes!
Aha! Here's the name. Moe
Caramello.
LARRY
Moe! You! Why, Moe, why? Curly is
your brother!
MOE
Imbecile. I was with you all the
time.
LARRY
I don't understand.
MOE
Listen, Einstein.
LARRY
Newton.
MOE
Listen, Newton. It's obvious. The
guy bought a dressing gown just
like mine and wrote my name in it
to throw us off the scent.
Dropkick! What's his name,
Phyllis? I want his name.
PHYLLIS
What?
MOE
Ah! Watt! So it's Watt, is it?
Watt! Aha! Watt!
LARRY
What's his name?
MOE
That's right.
LARRY
What?
MOE
That's what she said. Watt.
LARRY
What?
MOE
Yes.
LARRY
What's his name again?
MOE
Watt! Watt! Watt is his name!
LARRY
I don't know! Phyllis. What is
his name?
MOE
You don't have to tell her. She
already knows.
LARRY
Already knows what?
MOE
Intimately.
(This could extend to "who", "where", and "how"..)
MAE
Moe. Moe Moe Moe. We don't know
his name. He was nobody. Some bum
off the streets. He was wobbly on
muscat and knocked Phyllis over -
CURLY leaps at PHYLLIS and seizes her by the throat.
CURLY
Who is your lover? Tell me!
PHYLLIS
No-one!
MOE and LARRY drag CURLY off.
CURLY
Tell me his name!
PHYLLIS
It's all in your head. You know
me. I hate muscat.
CURLY exits, bumping into STAN and OLLIE as they enter.
STAN
Two minutes! Curtain in two
minutes! Places everyone!
OLLIE
Chop chop. Why aren't we dressed?
Goodness gracious, what an
imbroglio!
Scene 5.
The aria "vesti la giubba", from I Pagliacci, plays.
CURLY enters a single spot, downstage.
CURLY
To act, with my heart maddened
with sorrow
I know not what I'm saying or
doing
Yet I must face it. Courage, my
heart!
Bah! You are not a man! You are
but a jester!
On with the motley, the paint and
the powder
The people pay you and want their
laughter
If Arlecchino your Colombina has
stolen
Laugh, Pagliacci, the world will
cry Bravo!
Go hide with laughter your tears
and sorrow
Sing, be merry, play your part
Laugh Pagliacci, for the love
that is ended
Laugh for the sorrow that eats
your heart.
Scene 6.
MAE, DORIS, PHYLLIS sit at a large, cloth-draped table.
MAE is costumed as Brunhilde, operatic Viking lass. DORIS
is mad Lucia di Lammamoor. PHYLLIS is Carmen, with
mantilla, fan, and CHARLIE'S roses: one in her bosom,
another in her hair, a third gripped in her teeth.
Style of The Play is low budget comic opera, embellished
with mime and attempts at grandness.
MAE
(sigh)
Ah me, Colombina Lucia. Der scent
of jasmine hangs heady in the
still of summer, ja?
DORIS
(sigh)
Ah me, Colombina Carmina. The bum
of the humblebee calls the mart
to the headow, si? Non! The hum
of the bumblebee calls the heart
to the meadow, si?
PHYLLIS struggles to talk until DORIS removes the rose.
PHYLLIS
(sigh)
Ah me, Colombina Brunhilde. El
thorn of el rose stings with el
pain of foolish romance.
MAE
Ah, but love is worth das prick.
DORIS
Should not Arlecchino, our lover,
be with us by now, si?
PHYLLIS
We must stop meeting Arlecchino
in the casa. Will not our
husbands The Three Pagliacci one
day fail to step on the
rollerskates we leave in the
hall?
MAE
If Die Three Pagliacci avoid die
rollerskates, will they resist
die stuffed skunk on the landing,
die soda siphons up the stairs,
die custard pies and die bowls of
clam chowder at the top? Nein.
Der alarm system is foolproof,
meine kleine Carmina. Do nicht
trouble yourself.
PHYLLIS plucks a rose.
PHYLLIS
He loves me, he loves me not, he
loves me, he loves me not, yes,
no, yes, no, yes, no.
She tries a second rose.
PHYLLIS
Yes, no, yes, no, yes -
CHARLIE enters, by accident, lost in thought, sweeping. He
stops centrestage, wipes his brow, blows his nose.
The women roll their eyes, gesture for CHARLIE to leave.
DORIS
Should not Arlecchino, our lover -
not il cleanerino - be with us by
now, si?
CHARLIE realises where he is. He freezes.
MAE
Ah me. Der romance of summer is -
piss off! - in das air. Mother
Nature has finished her spring
cleaning, ja?
CHARLIE remains frozen. DORIS distracts the audience with
song and dance.
DORIS
(sings)
We were sailing along, on
Moonlight Bay
We could hear the voices
singing..
PHYLLIS
Lost in sweet fragrance, I dream
of my secret admirer who must
leave immediately. Si, I fear el
violent murderous jealousy of my
violent murderous husband,
Pagliaccio of el violent
murderous temper and access to
uno sharp axe. Oh restless
passions! Lover make haste!
MAE/DORIS
Lover make haste!
(sotto)
Piss off, will you?
CHARLIE remains frozen. DORIS tries distraction again.
DORIS
(sings)
Take me back to the Black Hills,
the Black Hills of Dakota..
MAE
(has an idea)
Gotterdammerung! What is der
statue doing inside das haus?
Achtung! Adonis lives in die
garden.
MAE/PHYLLIS lift CHARLIE bodily, intending to move him out.
MAE
Put him in das toolshed with die
other broken down rakes. Oh ho
Brunhilde, you are the card, ja?
ROBIN enters. Catches MAE/PHYLLIS en route with CHARLIE.
ROBIN
Ah.
PHYLLIS
Ah.
DORIS
(sings)
Oh, the Deadwood Stage is a
rollin' on over the plain..
PHYLLIS
Statue. Toolshed.
MAE/PHYLLIS try to bypass ROBIN. He tries to take CHARLIE.
Tussle ensues.
DORIS
With the curtains flappin' and
the driver slappin' his reins..
ROBIN
This is not the women's work,
madames.
DORIS
Beautiful sky! A wonderful day!
PHYLLIS
I need the exercise, Leonardo.
DORIS
Whip crack away, whip crack away,
whip crack awaaaay!
ROBIN wrests CHARLIE from PHYLLIS/MAE.
ROBIN
A surprise gift for the master,
si? Where will he live? Ah!
He positions CHARLIE in a corner.
ROBIN
Excellento. A feature coatrack in
the classic style, no?
MAE
It makes der room look like ein
cigar store in Brisbane.
CHARLIE inches towards sidestage. ROBIN brings him back.
ROBIN
The eyes, they follow you around
the room! But should he not be
naked? For sake of authenticity?
He removes CHARLIE'S belt. Ties his legs together with it.
MAE
Leonardo? Please take der statue
outside. We three will be
exceedingly grateful, ja?
ROBIN
How grateful?
MAE
Not that grateful.
PHYLLIS
I could be. That grateful.
Pause.
ROBIN
Leonardo will think about this.
While I think, shall I lay the
table, madame?
MAE
Aren't you afraid of die
splinters, Leonardo, boom boom?
ROBIN exits. The women rush to free CHARLIE.
PHYLLIS
Better hit the road, sport.
CHARLIE
How about it? You with me?
ROBIN enters, with a large platter.
ROBIN
The hors d'oeuvres, Madames.
Snails soixante-neuf. I find the
recipe in "Mrs Beaton Whips It
Out", sold in brown paper wrapper
under the counter at the DJs the
Homemakers. First, slaughter your
snails.
MAE
That will be enough, Leonardo.
ROBIN
Might I suggest you consume the
snails immediately, or the little
buggers will finish what they're
doing, have a quick satisfying
Gauloise, then whip over the top
into the side salad?
MAE
Danke schon, Leonardo.
ROBIN exits. The women return to freeing CHARLIE.
CHARLIE
You with me?
ROBIN enters with another platter.
ROBIN
The Swan Egg Pavlova, madames.
Topped with the choc-dipped,
cognac-steeped strawberries
arranged in depiction of a
Turkish odalisque at her toilet.
From the same cookbook. The
masters return soon, madames?
PHYLLIS
The masters are out hunting, Leo.
From where they will be rushed to
hospital as the Bunny Liberation
Front celebrates possession of
three automatic rifles. Ah ha ha.
ROBIN
Or perhaps The Three Pagliacci
will be stuffed and mounted in
flight over the mantlepiece on a
warren wall.
MAE, DORIS, PHYLLIS laugh.
ROBIN
Ah, Madames. You laugh again!
Lately your hearts are seeming
most heavy. Tears do not belong
on such beautiful faces!
Leonardo, he despises your cruel
and stupid husbands for this.
MAE
Leonardo forgets his station.
ROBIN
No. No no no! Leonardo sees! The
Three Pagliacci, they wound your
beauty. They murder your
laughter.
ROBIN drops to his knees.
ROBIN
Leonardo, he confesses. He is
fallen deep in love with the
Colombini.
DORIS
All of us? Tutti?
ROBIN
Tutti! Leonardo, he acts! Out of
his love for the Colombini!
DORIS
All of us? Tutti?
ROBIN
Tutti! Leonardo, he endeavours to
free the Colombini from their
marital chains.
DORIS
All of us? Tutti?
ROBIN
Tutti! Many many times, Leonardo,
he stuff the husbands' chicken
cacciatore with the ground glass.
But always the dead and naked
fowl, it flies round the room,
you know? Out the window! You
know? Leonardo, he conceals the
fish hooks in the lobster bisque,
but always the crustacean reaches
from the bowl and bites the
husbands on the nose before they
sup! Always! You know? Leonardo,
he sautes their eggs in arsenic,
but the imbeciles - imbeciles! -
take it upon themselves to toss
their own omelettes, and they
poison the ceiling! Ecco! Look
there! Tracks of the airborne
breakfast.
DORIS picks strawberries off the pavlova.
DORIS
Delicioso, Leonardo. There is
more, si? Did you say something?
ROBIN
Leonardo, he throws himself at
your feet.
PHYLLIS
The last man to do that to me was
an incredulous bootmaker.
ROBIN
Brunhilde, the lusty Valkyrie,
Lucia, the mad sweet lollipop,
Carmina, the Lady of Spain, I
adore you.
DORIS
All of us? Tutti?
(sings, eating)
When it snows, ain't it thrilling
Though your nose gets a chilling
We'll frolic and play the Eskimo
way
Walking in a winter wonderland..
ROBIN
Do not mock me. My heart is true.
DORIS
More strawberries, Leonardo?
PHYLLIS
Easy on the cognac, Leo. The
berries is going to her head.
A flurry of Spanish guitar. STAN - as picador, with guitar -
and OLLIE - a matador - enter, flourishing capes.
OLLIE
Ole!
STAN
Ole!
STAN and OLLIE bump into each other. Rebounding, they bump
the pavlova up and into ROBIN'S face.
PHYLLIS
(re ROBIN)
Get my sister Chenille on the
blower. I've found her a date.
ROBIN
Punctured dignity. That's a form
of humour.
ROBIN exits.
OLLIE
Arlecchino is here!
An overly long guitar flourish from STAN. OLLIE glares.
OLLIE
Ole!
A late guitar flourish.
STAN
Ole!
OLLIE
Arlecchino is here!
OLLIE tosses his cape over his shoulder. STAN fails to
catch it. OLLIE glares.
MAE
Who's your little amigo, grossen
boy?
OLLIE
This is my new faithful
manservant, Pancho. Pancho shall
serenade us and keep watch for
your husbands, The Three
Pagliacci, while we make love.
Ha! Toro! The matador presents
the beautiful signoras with the
ceremonial bullfighter's cap.
PHYLLIS
(re cap)
Mickey Mouse's glands are up.
DORIS
It is tradition to present the
bull's ears, for the beef stock,
si? You're late, Arlecchino.
OLLIE
My new faithful manservant lost
his watch.
STAN
Ole! Ha Toro?
OLLIE
Pancho. Hang my cape and post
yourself at the door.
STAN
Ole! Ha! Toro!
STAN hangs OLLIE'S cape over CHARLIE, and turns away.
CHARLIE removes the cape and drops it on the floor.
STAN turns and is puzzled to see the cape on the floor.
He repositions it over CHARLIE. Who drops it again.
The cape routine continues, with many variations, to
culminate in a cape hurling fight.
While OLLIE makes shy bullfighter love to the ladies.
Until STAN, teary, tries to tell OLLIE of the cape problem.
OLLIE
All right then, Pancho. I shall
hang up the cape.
He does so. And gets the cape in the back of the head.
OLLIE
Pancho!
A second cape routine results, intersperced with "Ole!",
"Ha! Toro!", "Pancho!", "Temper, temper". It ends with
CHARLIE triumphant. Yet still a statue, to STAN and OLLIE.
OLLIE
Pancho. I shall keep the cape.
You shall post yourself at the
door. Do not disturb us again.
STAN
But, but..
OLLIE
No buts. Save them for the
bullfight. Ho ho ho. Sweet
Colombini. How we have prayed for
this moment, and love has heard
our prayers. Arlecchino is here
to take you away!
PHYLLIS
Where to, Arlecchino?
MAE
I'm an antique lover. Any old
wheres is fine with me.
DORIS
(sings)
I know a dark secluded place
A place where no-one knows your
face
A glass of wine, a fast embrace
It's called Hernando's Hideaway.
Ole!
STAN
Ole!
OLLIE
Ole! On wings of love shall we
fly!
ROBIN enters with another pavlova. OLLIE spots the food.
OLLIE
We shall depart after dinner!
STAN
Ole!
OLLIE
Ole!
He gestures grandly. ROBIN collects a second facial pav.
OLLIE
Pancho. Find your brother in
manservice a clean towel.
STAN gives OLLIE'S cape to ROBIN.
MAE
OK, grossen boy, what is deine
plan?
OLLIE
I have purchased a sleeping
potion.
DORIS
Toro, that is silly. I'm not
tired at all. Don't you want to
be our lover, ole ha Toro?
OLLIE
Innocent insane Lucia, I fear you
have misconstrued my scheme.
PHYLLIS
Construe us, Toro, construe us.
STAN spots the husbands approaching, offstage. He taps
OLLIE'S shoulder, with urgency.
OLLIE
Not now, Pancho. My plan is this.
We pour the draught into your
husbands' wine -
STAN, agitated, continues trying to alert OLLIE.
OLLIE
Not now, Pancho! We don't care
about your altercation with a
statue! Return to your post!
STAN
But, but..
OLLIE
Pancho! Your husbands shall
imbibe the wine and fall asleep.
PHYLLIS
We will not need el potion. I'll
just wind the clock.
OLLIE
We shall conceal ourselves until
the draught takes effect, then
escape into the night.
Downstage, STAN points frantically, scratches head, cries.
STAN
Oh all right, Pancho. What is it?
STAN points, raises three fingers, pulls a horrid face.
OLLIE
The Three Pagliacci return!
STAN mimes violent aggression.
OLLIE
They are angry and suspect foul
play. Oh dear. What a brouhaha.
From which direction do The Three
Pagliacci approach?
STAN points.
OLLIE
Where did you hitch our horse?
STAN points in the same direction.
OLLIE
We must hide!
OLLIE dives under the table. STAN becomes a second statue.
PHYLLIS
(to CHARLIE)
Get out of here, el pronto.
CHARLIE inches towards the side of the stage.
CHARLIE
Midnight. Behind the Carousel.
PHYLLIS
Yeah, yeah. Midnight. Behind the
Carousel.
CHARLIE is too slow. MOE, LARRY, CURLY enter, in hunter's
outfits, Davy Crockett hats. CURLY'S is made from a skunk.
CHARLIE stays as a statue.
CURLY carries a rifle. He leans it against CHARLIE.
MOE
OK, Brunhilde. The game's up.
Someone has been here with you.
LARRY
Right, Lucia. Oh.
LARRY sees the wine. He rubs some into his hair.
LARRY
Hey, this is good.
MOE slaps LARRY.
MOE
Put that down, Boofhead. We know
what's been going on, don't we,
boys?
(to PHYLLIS)
We heard what you said.
(to LARRY)
Didn't we?
LARRY
(to CURLY)
We heard what you said. Didn't
we?
CURLY
(to no-one)
We heard what you said. Didn't
we?
MOE
You said: "Midnight. Behind the
Carousel."
LARRY
You said: "Midnight. Behind the
Carousel."
CURLY
You said: "Midnight. Behind the
Carousel."
MOE
We've heard that before.
MAE
Gentlemen.
LARRY
Who came in?
MOE
Who's been here with you?
MAE
Gentlemen.
MOE
Oh, Gentlemen! Gentlemen, were
they? Are you implying we're not
gentlemen? Hear that, Curly?
Their visitors were gentlemen.
Well, that's all right then. Why
you no good two timing Colombina!
MAE
Ruffle nicht die threads,
Pagliaccio.
MOE
Don't trifle with me, woman. Get
back in the kitchen. Come back
here!
DORIS
Did you shoot the rabbits,
Pagliaccio?
LARRY
My gun got stuck in the burrow.
MOE
Someone was here with you!
LARRY
Someone was here with you!
ROBIN enters with a third pavlova.
DORIS
Only the hunchback fool Leonardo.
ROBIN
Your wives speak the truth, sirs.
DORIS
(sings)
Oh the Deadwood Stage is a
headin' on over the hills
Where the injun arrows are
thicker than porcupine quills - !
DORIS bumps the pavlova into ROBIN'S face. He exits.
DORIS
Dangerous land! No time to delay!
So, whip crack away, whip crack
away, whip crack awaaaay - !
ROBIN returns with a fourth pav, collides with DORIS'S
flourish, and is disfigured again. ROBIN exits.
MOE
Do you think we're fools? Who
owns that horse downstairs?
MAE
What horse?
MOE
There's a horse downstairs. But
your lover's outsmarted yourself.
The horse is lame. Ha! It tripped
over some rollerskates in the
hall. And it's too fat to get out
the door anyway, because it's
stuffed itself on custard pies
and clam chowder. All the soda in
the world won't help that nag.
LARRY
And don't forget the skunk!
MOE
Yeah, and don't forget the skunk.
What?
LARRY
Who gave you these statues?
DORIS
They came in from the garden.
MOE
Oh, the statues walked in from
the garden all by themselves, did
they?
DORIS
No, they came on the horse,
silly.
STAN
(about to sneeze)
Ah ah ah ah -
CHARLIE puts a finger under STAN'S nose.
DORIS
AH CHOO! Ah choo. Ah choo.
OLLIE
(about to sneeze)
Ah ah ah ah -
PHYLLIS puts a finger under OLLIE'S nose.
PHYLLIS
Ah CHOO! Ah choo. Ah choo. On my
knees, Pagliaccio, I beg you to
believe me. No-one was here.
OLLIE sneezes.
MAE/DORIS/PHYLLIS
AH CHOO! AH CHOO! Ah CHOO!
PHYLLIS
Did you forget to close the door
downstairs, Pagliaccio?
CURLY
Someone was here with you!
PHYLLIS
Nonsense, my husband. You drink
too much el vino tinto y blanco.
CURLY
Perhaps I drink too much el vino
tinto y blanco.
PHYLLIS
Why do you return so early?
CURLY
Just in time, methinks! You were
not lonely, were you? Who has
been with you, my love?
PHYLLIS
No-one, Pagliaccio. I love only
you. You must believe me.
CURLY
I saw you with him. Tell me his
name!
PHYLLIS
No. No, Pagliaccio -
As on and offstage life start to merge, for CURLY, music
from the comparable part of the opera rises, under.
CURLY
No! Pagliaccio no moreo!
MOE/LARRY
No! Pagliaccio no moreo!
CURLY
Fool that I sheltered thee!
MOE/LARRY
Fool that I sheltered thee!
CURLY
And made thee mine by every
tender token
MOE/LARRY
And made thee mine by every
tender token
CURLY
Of the love that I gave thee,
what is there left to me?
MOE/LARRY
Of the love that I gave thee,
what is there left to me?
CURLY
What have I now but a heart that
is broken?
MOE/LARRY
What have I now but a heart that
is broken?
STAN
Bravo! Ole!
MOE
Tell me his name, Brunhilde. His
name!
MAE
Who?
MOE
Aha! It's Hoo, is it? Hoo! Aha!
LARRY
What's his name?
MOE
Hoo.
LARRY
What?
MOE
No, Hoo.
LARRY
Who?
MOE
Yes.
LARRY
What's his name again?
MOE
Hoo, dummy, hoo!
LARRY
I don't know! Lucia, what is his
name?
DORIS
Who?
LARRY
Hoo! A Chinaman, eh!?
MOE
Betrayed for a Chinaman!
MAE/DORIS/PHYLLIS
I never knew my dear, that you
Were such a tragic fellow
There's here to see no tragedy
My dearest Pagliaccio!
MOE/LARRY
Ah! Do you mock me?
My rage thou still defiest?
CURLY is no longer playing his part. He stares, befuddled,
at PHYLLIS.
MOE/LARRY
Say who's thy love - this moment
Or thou diest!
(sotto)
Ssst. Curly. Dagger.
(to the women)
Tell me his name!
MOE/LARRY draw rubber daggers and advance on MAE/DORIS.
CURLY stays put, continues to stare at PHYLLIS.
MAE/DORIS/PHYLLIS
No, Pagliaccio! I will not tell!
PHYLLIS
(sotto)
Stab me. Curly. Stab me.
MAE/DORIS
Only the harmless Arlecchino is
here!
STAN
Ole! Ha Toro! Arlecchino is here!
STAN reveals OLLIE'S hiding place OLLIE emerges.
OLLIE
Ole! Ha Toro?
CURLY snaps. He seizes the gun. STAN leaps into OLLIE'S
arms. CURLY advances on PHYLLIS.
CURLY
His name! Tell me his name!
PHYLLIS grabs at the gun. They struggle for possession.
PHYLLIS
It's only el harmless Arlecchino!
BANG! The gun goes off.
CHANTICLEER drops from the sky, onto PHYLLIS'S head. She
sinks to the floor, and into unconsciousness.
PHYLLIS
Charlie..
CHARLIE puts hat over face. CURLY recognises the look.
CURLY
You! You! You!
CHARLIE dives under the table. CURLY dives under the table.
Struggle ensues, unseen, under the table.
BANG! Under the table, the gun fires again.
Pause.
CHARLIE scrambles unscathed from under the table and exits.
Bumping into ROBIN entering. ROBIN garners another pavlova.
PHYLLIS
Curly!
PHYLLIS crawls under the table.
Pause.
BANG! Another shot from under the table.
Pause.
DORIS
(sings)
Que sera, sera..
The faces of CURLY and PHYLLIS - black, scorched, frizzled
hair standing on end - emerge from under the table.
PHYLLIS
We need to talk. This has got to
stop.
CURLY nods, ruefully.
PHYLLIS
Last night, Paradise Park in
Toukley. The night before, the
Bali Hai in Budgewoi. The night
before that..
LARRY
Shangri-La in Forster.
MOE
Satori in Tuncurry.
The troupe picks up the rhythm. A song and dance develops.
MAE
Nirvana in Umina.
DORIS
Utopia in Ourimbah
ALL
(sing)
This has got to stop! Oh!
Paradise Park in Toukley
Bali-Hai in Budgewoi
Shangri-La in Forster
This has got to stop! Oh!
Satori in Tuncurry
Nirvana in Umina
Utopia in Ourimbah
This has got to stop! Oh..!
As the song continues:
NEDDA enters. She collects CHANTICLEER.
The song comes to an end.
NEDDA
La commedia è finita.
(c) Tim Gooding
18 April 2007